self-entitled

[billy]

reading them both;
i prefer the 1st of the revision and the 2nd verse of the original. but that's just me.

[heslopian]

I am a liar
a dry lizard on chlorophyll
such a prize in the crowd
of vegetables swaying
in sync with the monotonous breeze Is "monotonous" needed? Seems too telling. Otherwise an excellent image.

I blow a grin at them The vegetables?
tone tuned to
their laudatory laughter
emitting an eponymous tome I'm not sure "emitting" is the right word. What about "producing"?
of pure fiction

Original

I am a liar
a dry lizard on chlorophyll
lost in a crowd of vegetables
swaying in sync

tone tuned to
laudatory laughter
for an eponymous tome
of pure fiction

All JMHO of course. Thanks for the read, Mark.

[Wildcard]

Thanks for your opinions, Jack. I think you make some pretty good points.

My main point of debate before I revise again is making sure I didn't hurt myself in this revision. I can't help, but feel that Jill is right. The first version, to me has something that the second lacks. A punchiness, maybe. Todd suggested shorter lines, but somehow I wound up fattening them even more. I'm very uncertain how to proceed. I was very proud of the first version as a start, but I feel that I've gone off track.

[Todd]

Sometimes you need to let a revision sit for awhile. You're often too close to something when you just write it. I would suggest shelving the poem for at least a month (maybe three) and then looking at it again and considering what you need to do.

[Wildcard]

That's sound advice. I don't want to muck it up because I like it.

[billy]

i wasn't hurt that you didn't mention my name

i said i like the 1st vesre of the edit and the 2nd verse of the original...but i don't count...i see that now ...

just kidding of course. todd's advise is good about giving an edit time to settle before you do another one.

[grannyjill]

I will openly declare that I prefer the original version - I've just re-read my immediate reaction to it - and except for the leg-pulling I will stick with that.

I know how you feel about de-constructing and reconstructing a poem. It is how I felt after doing a rewrite to try and incorporate all the helpful suggestions I had received for my poem The Storm...I ended up not liking it very much. It is now put away (as Todd suggests to you) for me to read at some time in the future.

[Wildcard]

i wasn't hurt that you didn't mention my name

i said i like the 1st vesre of the edit and the 2nd verse of the original...but i don't count...i see that now ...

just kidding of course. todd's advise is good about giving an edit time to settle before you do another one.

Aww Billy you know I love ya :d

I actually agree with you about it the parts. The second part seems a little less potent than before. Shelved for now but I'll get back to it.

I will openly declare that I prefer the original version - I've just re-read my immediate reaction to it - and except for the leg-pulling I will stick with that.

I know how you feel about de-constructing and reconstructing a poem. It is how I felt after doing a rewrite to try and incorporate all the helpful suggestions I had received for my poem The Storm...I ended up not liking it very much. It is now put away (as Todd suggests to you) for me to read at some time in the future.

I think that your opinion is what confirmed to me that I was getting off track. I already felt that something was lost and you affirmed my belief. Thanks for your honest opinion.