Untitled

[Loveblind]

A rough draft of something I wrote an class.

sweat slowly drips
fear in my bones
ahead waits big white cotton balls
pondering on the effect this will have

but, all I hope is to find
an exit
not the easy way out
but, the way that will remove the pain
of the permanent purple bruises on my arms
or stopping in between crying sessions
just to catch a breathe


no more feeling insufficient
and carrying the burden others
have placed on my shoulders
my ending is quickly approaching

a series of flashbacks attack my mind
sliding the razor, with hopes to catch a vein
walking through a long lane
no purpose, only a desire to escape

but, no matter how far I travel
the animosity is already planted in my heart
and let this be the moment
my face will finally be floating above

[billy]

A rough draft of something I wrote an class.

sweat slowly drips
fear in my bones
ahead waits big white cotton balls
pondering on the effect this will have

but, all I hope is to find
an exit
not the easy way out
but, the way that will remove the pain
of the permanent purple bruises on my arms
or stopping in between crying sessions
just to catch a breathe


no more feeling insufficient
and carrying the burden others
have placed on my shoulders
my ending is quickly approaching

a series of flashbacks attack my mind
sliding the razor, with hopes to catch a vein
walking through a long lane
no purpose, only a desire to escape

but, no matter how far I travel
the animosity is already planted in my heart
and let this be the moment
my face will finally be floating above

many many people write angst poetry, in fact it's the most common amongst teenagers. sadly it's also an earmark of the new poet.
we think poetry should be about emotions and it should. because of this we often write about the most vivid of emotions. the slash poem, the suicide poem etc. if you write this kind of poem it has to be really really original. 99.9% of this kind of poetry is pretty much the same stuff.

all i can say is this; if you continue to write poetry the angst poem will become less in your tool box. i do know it can be so hard to be young. believe it or not i was young once myself, though it ws very long ago

my comment on the poem are this; it's much like all the angst poems i've read or will read. it has to be original to work on non teenagers,

try if possible to write about how nature effects you, why you like your push bike, what an apple taste like? the fish in your imaginary fish tank. if you have to write angst, make sure it's well done. and standing out of the crowd.

ps
always give the poem a title. it can always be changed.
the title means you have somewhere to start. it also means you cared enough about the poem to name it. (even in a draft)
if you don't care enough to name it why should people care enough to read it.
jmo

[Loveblind]

Thanks for the feed back, I will take that into consideration.

[billy]

Thanks for the feed back, I will take that into consideration.

you're maturity in accepting feed back is def worth another rep point.

sadly i've already used up my allotted allowance on ya but i'm sure someone else with one spare will lay one on ya.

[addy]

I think angst poems are okay. Lots of great writers were (and are) emotionally troubled people, and for them writing is a way to vent. It actually is. It can have the same use as a diary, except its not literal, it's just you breathing your emotions.

The thing is, if the piece is meant to be read in a professional light, then the challenge for the writer is to not go on an emotional journey by himself/herself, but to be able to take the reader to that place as well. To rattle them into a different perspective. In a way that's why suicide poems are hard, because you end up going to a place where the reader can't follow

A way to make this work for the audience is to keep it short and visceral:

'with this razor
I slice free
from my skin
to the sky'

But it's important to keep writing and letting out that emotion.just keep writing.