tarnish (My first poem)

[sansysans]

Any and all feedback is welcome!

toddling, touching, the room is mine
with window shut and sunlight scattered,
less gold than bronze,
across a veil of dust

I meet Myself;
He lifts the pane,
and the motes,
they settle

sitting, staring, must We share?
I feel the chill
and see the tarnish;
compact and cramped is this cage

Forget Myself.
I cannot bear.
Shut the window.
I'll return to my dust.

[milo]

First poem I've ever written, any and all feedback is welcome!

toddling, touching, the room is mine
with window shut and sunlight scattered,
less gold than bronze,
across a veil of dust

I meet Myself;
He lifts the pane,
and the motes,
they settle

sitting, staring, must We share?
I feel the chill
and see the tarnish;
compact and cramped is this cage

Forget Myself.
I cannot bear.
Shut the window.
I'll return to my dust.

For a first poem it is pretty good. There is some awkwardness and a little wordiness and the line breaks an periods in the last strophe are messed up but it is a nice start.

[svartrxdrone]

I think this poem is very good for a first, given my lack of experience I couldn't tell you what was wrong but I can say that it made me strongly contemplate what you were writing about and it's always a good thing when your audience is interested enough to try to translate what you are saying.

[sansysans]

For a first poem it is pretty good. There is some awkwardness and a little wordiness and the line breaks an periods in the last strophe are messed up but it is a nice start.

Thank you; I employed periods in the last stanza to give a sense of resolve, emphasis even. Any specifics as far as the awkward and wordiness?

I think this poem is very good for a first, given my lack of experience I couldn't tell you what was wrong but I can say that it made me strongly contemplate what you were writing about and it's always a good thing when your audience is interested enough to try to translate what you are saying.

Much thanks, contemplation is the goal!

[ThePinsir]

At first I thought it had a good meter, but then just stopped (after "he lifts the pane"). was this on purpose? Or am I seeing meter where none was intended?

[milo]

For a first poem it is pretty good. There is some awkwardness and a little wordiness and the line breaks an periods in the last strophe are messed up but it is a nice start.

Thank you; I employed periods in the last stanza to give a sense of resolve, emphasis even.

ok, that didn't work at all, it just reads poorly written instead

Any specifics as far as the awkward and wordiness?

with window shut and sunlight scattered
and the motes,
they settle
compact and cramped is this cage

[billy]

I think this poem is very good for a first, given my lack of experience I couldn't tell you what was wrong but I can say that it made me strongly contemplate what you were writing about and it's always a good thing when your audience is interested enough to try to translate what you are saying.

can you say why you thought the beginning was good, not all feedback has to be negative. can you say why it strongly made you contemplate etc? it doesn't have to be technical just use the words that come to mind.

---

first poems are kind of special aren't they. sadly they're also (probably) one of the worst poems we write

this is better than many so that's a plus. at least you're staying away from the dreaded cliche. try and make what you say accessible. i'm struggling to get a handle on the poem, it's a bit hard to know what's being stated.

Any and all feedback is welcome!

toddling, touching, the room is mine
with window shut and sunlight scattered,
less gold than bronze,
across a veil of dust

I meet Myself;
He lifts the pane,
and the motes,
they settle

sitting, staring, must We share?
I feel the chill
and see the tarnish;
compact and cramped is this cage

Forget Myself.
I cannot bear.
Shut the window.
I'll return to my dust.