Armchair Slasher

[heslopian]

Daylight shots of hanging bones. Wire baskets filled with skulls,
a clucking chicken in a cage suspended from the roof.
Sunbeams catch the dust. The girl's a good screamer;
tight red hot pants, flowing hair, she embodies teenage love
below the Woodstock sky. After he catches her in his front room

one of the killers sticks her on a cold, shining meat hook.
The second to die in the lonely farmhouse, years of memories
are wiped; things she planned one day to tell her children
now forgot. More deaths will come, followed by a final girl
who escapes covered in blood, her limbs almost stiff,

throat hoarse with screaming. To read her script must be
a treat: Make as much noise as you can. Nothing else
encourages my nihilistic side like a slasher film.
They begin with an image of youth, laughter and sunlight
through hair, making love, girls who like astrology,

tolerant boyfriends. (Straightaway I'm picturing
the power tools and spleens.) It's as though
they expected to be in a plot, but thought it would be
something light; a coming-of age-story, perhaps.
They'll never grow old now. I rewind the tape.

[Philatone]

Hey jack, just wanted to share

Daylight shots of hanging bones. Wire baskets filled with skulls, ..now this does seem to introduce a meter. not sure if it was intentional or not, as it only slowly disintegrates as the stanza continues
a clucking chicken in a cage suspended from the roof. ..I think the scene is already established; i'm not sure if this line adds a whole lot besides being an unusual image
Sunbeams catch the dust. The girl's a good screamer; ..good line and transition
tight red hot pants, flowing hair, she embodies teenage love ..got caught up in "embodies". it's a word like "represents" or "is similar to". why not just say "is" to strengthen the comparison? just a thought. or maybe "captures"?
below the Woodstock sky. After he catches her in his front room ..line is good as is. thought about playing with the enjambment so the line would end on "her" instead of "room"

one of the killers sticks her on a cold, shining meat hook. ..I felt I didn't want to be told this. could it be expressed more subtly? one option would be to use the passive (she is hung on a hook) or to switch the agent to the girl even (she finds a hook)? again, only a suggestion. the introduction of "the killers" stole some momentum you had carefully crafted in the previous stanza
The second to die in the lonely farmhouse, years of memories
are wiped; things she planned one day to tell her children
now forgot..."forgotten"?. More deaths will come, followed by a final girl
who escapes covered in blood, her limbs almost stiff, ..these last 4-5 lines told me more than I would have liked, over showing. maybe you could have her flashback to the actual things she can no longer share?

throat hoarse with screaming. To read her script must be
a treat: Make as much noise as you can. Nothing else
encourages my nihilistic side like a slasher film.
They begin with an image of youth, laughter and sunlight
through hair, making love, girls who like astrology,

tolerant boyfriends. (Straightaway I'm picturing
the power tools and spleens.) It's as though
they expected to be in a plot, but thought it would be
something light; a coming-of age-story, perhaps.
They'll never grow old now. I rewind the tape....like the bit on the tape, adds a whole new component to the piece

again, my biggest thing was showing vs. telling, but i'm curious to see what others think about it. hope you can connect with some of the suggestions[/b]!

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Philatone The opening images are taken from a scene in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

[grannyjill]

Hi, I came back to add something to my previous response....but, I find it isn't here.

I can't remember exactly what I said - something along the lines of not feeling capable of doing a critique of the poem...but, I wanted to say how it affected me.

I am a timid avoider of horror ....and found it truly 'ughy!' if there is such a word.
The images are so stark and terrible (especially 'the hook' reference) that I didn't want to read on after the second verse....but, I'm glad I did, especially to find that this wasn't real life. Which is why I returned to my original 'lost' comments.

I am always jumping straight into poems without taking any notice of their title! Bad move. Of course, Armchair Slasher gives the game away.

I am timidly, now going to say something about how you have written it.....
"More deaths will come, followed by a final girl
who escapes covered in blood, her limbs almost stiff,".........this doesn't fit somehow. It loses something because it seems like a 'and this happened, and then this happened' (is that what everyone means by 'telly'?)
ps the first time some-one used that about one of my poems, in my newbiness, I thought it meant something to do with television (we use 'telly' in my neck of the woods as a shortened form for tv)
Any way
Good write (even tho' it scared the pants off me)
Last line is genius

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, and soldiering on through this poem, grannyjill I like classic horror movies from an age before the BOO! machine, where a loud music chord is suddenly played to startle the audience, took over, cheapening and making the genre (for me) unenjoyable.
"Telly" as used in reference to poetry is an abbreviation of "telling". When you "tell" in a poem you flatly state something instead of using your craft to show the reader what you mean. I can see how those lines you mentioned are "telly" (a word also used to mean television in my neck of the woods too) and will have a think about how I can change them. Thanks again for your thoughtful feedback, and sorry I scared you

[Leanne]

So that's why people watch those slasher flicks... I must confess I've never really found them more than ridiculous and a little bit ick. I do tend to cheer a little bit when the annoyingly perky girl ends up on a meathook or something though. I fear that may be a psychological issue Anyway, to the poem: I think the "telly" component of the second stanza could be easily overcome with a few short flashes of imagery, just quick phrases like "meat hook", maybe separated by commas or full stops. The "forgot" instead of "forgotten" issue bothers me as well.

I really like "they'll never grow old now" -- it reminds me of soldiers, and gives a more parodic dimension to the "nobility" of the victims.