statement

[heslopian]

he left work at six o'clock.

we trapped him down the alleyway.
i hit the back of his head with a brick
hidden in my mum's stocking,
then harry held him down as I worked his spine.

a bird chirped somewhere nearby.
a leaf blew against my left shoe.
i kicked it off. it was like kicking off a dog.

i got a lot of blood on me but it was okay
because i was wearing my dad's mack,
and harry had brought his sport's bag
so i could stuff it inside.

we did it because harry's dad said he was a pervert.
he lived by himself and was always giving
sweets to kids. james said he looked at him once
as he was walking to school.
james had thrown a stone at his window
but still.

after we did it we left him there.
he kind of whined a bit but it was drowned out by that bird.
i kicked some more leaves then we went home for tea.

[billy]

i don't think it needs a warning.
the content somehow negate any feedback it may get.
would you put a brick in a stocking or a sock? i doubt a stocking with a brick in it
would last long
the 'but still' at the end of the fourth carries so much.
it read like a statement, as it should and it feels real.
i see you're still with ee cumin as afr as caps go hehe.
i enjoyed the poem, sorry i can't give you anything constructive as to how to improve it.

okay if i must; where you say "kicking off a dog" would "kicking of a terrier" or something more defined, work better?

thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback, Bilbo I'll remove the content warning in a mo.
There's a case from the fifties where two teenage girls murdered one of their mothers with a brick in a stocking, which is what inspired the detail: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parker%E2%8...lme_murder
As for the no caps thing, hey, at least I'm not using ampersands
Would "puppy" work instead of "dog"?

[Wildcard]

Hi Jack,
For me, this poem was the cause for much internal debate. As most, I have an extreme aversion to pedos, but I also hate those vigilante judge and jury types. As to the way the poem was written, I can't find anything to say negatively. The simple fact that I had so much drawn up from reading it causes me to believe that, for this reader, the poem doesn't need any changes. Thanks for sharing.

[abu nuwas]

Torn like Mark. Reminded me of case in this country, when an ignorant mob went and smashed up the house of-- a paediatrician.....

As to the poem itself, the line 'after we did it we left him there' could perhaps occur after the second stanza, and as a final line, while still remaining where it is. It would not alter the 'statement' quality too much. It is, incidentally, very like a police-statement.

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback, Mark and Abu I like your idea about making "after we did it we left him there" a refrain to repeated at the end of the poem, Abu.
I don't really know what the poem is about, nor why I wrote it. It was a spur of the moment piece. I crafted and polished it, but with no real purpose in mind. My own belief is that vigilantism has nothing to do with justice, but rather expressing the ugliest side of yourself in a way you think you can justify. No-one who takes pleasure from calmly and carefully inflicting great pain is good or moral IMHO. Maybe that's what the poem is about.

[grannyjill]

The casual 'I kicked some more leaves then we went home for tea' made shivers go down my spine. It is almost Enid Blyton-ish in style but with horrific content.

The strength of this poem, for me, is this commonplace, non-dramatic narration contrasted with the brutality.

When I got to the 'We did it....' verse, at first, I wasn't sure why it was different from the other verses....but, my idea is that the lad is gabbling, justifying what he's done, and not allowing the possibility of interruption (maybe a tiny bit of conscience shown here?)

I'm left pondering on the 'but still'......one thought being, the stone thrown wasn't sufficient a punishment and so they were forced to do something else to show how macho and heterosexual they were. But, I may be way off here.

[abu nuwas]

I'm left pondering on the 'but still'......one thought being, the stone thrown wasn't sufficient a punishment and so they were forced to do something else to show how macho and heterosexual they were. But, I may be way off here.

Jill.....I don't know what Jack had in mind, but to me it was first, accepting that James had thrown the stone, right, but that didn't excuse the bloke looking at him in a funny way, right, so they were justified in doing what they did even so, right? E

[Philatone]

Ey! some quick thoughts

he left work at six o'clock. ..corresponding to line 2, I like how "he" is alone in this stanza, much as he was when he left work I'm guessing". Adding the "we" in the stanza below is perfect. Also, by isolating the "he" up here, reiterates that sense of "trapping to come". great stuff! I may be reading too much into it though

we trapped him down the alleyway. ..I think the period works wonderfully here. really encloses the line, reinforcing meaning
i hit the back of his head with a brick
hidden in my mum's stocking,
then harry held him down as I worked his spine. ..interesting use of "worked"

a bird chirped somewhere nearby.
a leaf blew against my left shoe.
i kicked it off. it was like kicking off a dog...debating how much you needed the "off" in the line with the dog

i got a lot of blood on me but it was okay
because i was wearing my dad's mack,
and harry had brought his sport's bag
so i could stuff it inside.

we did it because harry's dad said he was a pervert.
he lived by himself and was always giving
sweets to kids. james said he looked at him once
as he was walking to school.
james had thrown a stone at his window
but still. ..nothing against the above 2 stanzas per se, but they did feel a little telly to me. think the "but still" is great!

after we did it we left him there.
he kind of whined a bit but it was drowned out by that bird.
i kicked some more leaves then we went home for tea. strong close I think

wouldn't call it a fun topic, but did like the read

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback, Philatone I like your idea about removing "off" in L8. Creates a more aggressive image.

[billy]

wierd how one word like off makes a big change. good call.