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Joined: Sep 2011
I wanted just
a little bit of beauty
a feather on the edge of the bed
the light of drops
noise of leaves in hollows
I didn't dare telling you
The original:
мъничко
исках само
мъничко красота
перо на ръба на леглото
светлината на капки
шум на листи във шепи
не посмях да ти кажа
'Because the barbarians will arrive today;and they get bored with eloquence and orations.' CP Cavafy
Posts: 805
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A beautiful piece indeed, bogpan. Subtle, and it made me ache a little. My nit with it is just about translation-- I believe "drops" needs to be qualified ( "rain drops", "dew drops", that sort of thing...just the way it goes). Also, this could use punctuation for the grammar, but if you don't want to just use stanza breaks which work well too.
Thanks very much for the read
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 32
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Joined: Sep 2011
Good work! The last line is not correct English however. Maybe instead of what you have there you could change it to "I didn't dare tell you" ? I agree with addy above about the drops too. However I like poem overall. Good luck with your writing.
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10-23-2011, 05:38 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-23-2011, 05:39 PM by billy.)
i also thinks drops needs a modifier.
and with john about the last line; tell is the correct syntax.
i id enjoy the softness of the poem, thanks for the read.
happy birthday, hope you have many more.
Posts: 478
Threads: 56
Joined: Oct 2011
hey bogpan!
haven't looked at the other crits, so that being said...
(10-20-2011, 03:13 PM)bogpan Wrote: I wanted just
a little bit of beauty
a feather on the edge of the bed..I toyed with the idea of dropping "of the bed" to the next line, to 1)break the symmetry a bit, as the poem as whole does keep the same kind of flow and may get too predictable, and 2) it would play on that word "edge". only a thought of course
the light of drops..felt incomplete to me here
noise of leaves in hollows ..I found the zero article interesting before "noise", after having started with the indefinite, shifting to the definite. I found it fitting in how it captures noise, but it also stood out to me a lot in a poem that repeats its style often
I didn't dare telling you
The original:
мъничко
исках само
мъничко красота
перо на ръба на леглото
светлината на капки
шум на листи във шепи
не посмях да ти кажа
it was a pleasant read for sure!
Written only for you to consider.
Posts: 342
Threads: 49
Joined: Sep 2011
Hi bogpan,
I really like to way this feels. It's elegant but still has a hard edge to it.
(10-20-2011, 03:13 PM)bogpan Wrote: I wanted just --I'd like to see 'just' dropped down to the next line
a little bit of beauty
a feather on the edge of the bed
the light of drops --this line makes me think of so many different things. I'm aware that you are translating here, but am unclear as to your original meaning. Do you mean the raindrops are light and (on the next line) make noise in the leaves? It's hard to make suggestions on this because I am unclear on the intent.
noise of leaves in hollows
I didn't dare telling you
Maybe I am reading the last line wrong, but to me it looks like 'I was afraid of telling you.' I skipped the other crit so forgive me if I am repeating anything previously stated.
Thanks for sharing.
