Elegy for England

[heslopian]

Join me below the pier tonight and I will show you verdant fields,
shining in a used condom lighted by a stray moonbeam.
Large and dumb the sea berates whining wooden legs. A
dog barks somewhere in the black, reminding me of home,
dirty dining room tables, televisions tuned to crap.
Once in Yarmouth we played crazy golf. The sun shone
fierce and the cars were merry. Though naught is permanent I
can still take pleasure from that day, as soldiers recollect first loves.
England never existed. Dover cliffs and bad singers cannot
save you from despair. Only memories and love carry such power.

[Leanne]

I like the overall feel of this Jack, especially "the sun shone fierce and the cars were merry", a very evocative line to contrast against the "verdant fields".

I think you've gone a little overboard with the telling, eg. "though naught is permanent I can still take pleasure from that day" -- this is implicit in your previous lines.

Those used condoms look so lambent and lovely in the moonlight

[addy]

Nice piece, Jack. The imagery had a great mood to them and were nicely accentuated. I thought some line breaks were placed oddly, but upon re-reading i do appreciate the run-on, train-of-thought quality it gives. Though the imagery is strong it is smothered just enough by the structure to give it a unified, blanketing feel.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback guys

[billy]

i like verdant in this instant, it's normally a little overused but here it's a great image.
L7, is my favourite though for me the 'I' would work better on the next line.
i think it verges on 'that side of too much to take in' but i'm sure it's just me.
perhaps if you broke it's back between L5, and 6, it would look a little less heavy. jmo
all in all a good read.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Bilbo What do you mean "broke its back"?

[billy]

split it,

[Wildcard]

Hi Jack,
   Your poem caught me off guard for sure. The first line lead me to believe it would be an entirely different kind of poem. By the second read, I was already finding a good balance in the words. I love how the sea is large and dumb and implicitly ignorant of it's berating nature Only one little nit, I thought 'naught' a little contrived sounding - I mean out of place kind of . . . not sure how to say it . . . JMO

Thanks for sharing.

[abu nuwas]

To use rather tired language myself, I found it rather didactic. A part of me wanted to answer back -'Sez who?' but the little cameo of a seedy seaside town carried it. Might have been Lowestoft, or Margate. Places which are always striving to find a role in the modern world. Yet one day, in the silliest of circs, can leave such a memory.

5/10

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Mark and Abu