The Silent Grooves

[heslopian]

When life serves you a hollow goose,
flesh crumbling like some old church,
and demands you strip the bones with nothing but your teeth,
it's easy to lean on despair.

Threaten suicide like one
would threaten cutting off a leech.
You're not brave enough to leave
that vampire alone, so pay his way

for small comforts, but threatening is cathartic.
An open window to the left
of your headboard, the silent grooves
of keys. This is my body and this is my blood.

You cannot exchange it for wine.
Drink nonetheless from these fountains of jet.
(Fables written by twenty-year olds are redundant.)
When a metaphor is born, what keeps it from drawing breath?

[billy]

i'm not sure if i love it or hate it hehe.
the last line is magical. and so is the title.
okay the 1st stanza is wicked and i love it.
the 2nd stanza while okay feels a little less, i think if "suicide" weren't there it would be a "love the 2nd" also.
the silent grooves line is impeccable
aprt from the one niggle i can';t see as how i'd alter any of it constructively speaking. i had a falter between the 2nd and 3rd verse
but it wasn't harsh. i think i'll go with really like
thanks for the read

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Bilbo
I don't know what word I could replace "suicide" with, but I'll have a think about it. What makes you lean towards hate? Does the poem come across as self-pitying or arrogant? I worried about that with the silent grooves line and the Biblical references.

[addy]

i think this is superb, Jack. It's hard to describe, but many of your lines and turns of phrase seem so perfect, so right, that I tense up when I read them. i love "a hollow goose", something large and fat rendered skeletal. I love "silent grooves of keys". I love love love your last line. If I absolutely had to pick a nit, maybe "some old church" is not as evocative as it could be... nevertheless, I understand that it serves to echo the religious overtones throughout the piece so I don't really mind it either. Wonderfully done Jack, imo. Bravo.

[billy]

Thanks for the feedback, Bilbo
I don't know what word I could replace "suicide" with, but I'll have a think about it. What makes you lean towards hate? Does the poem come across as self-pitying or arrogant? I worried about that with the silent grooves line and the Biblical references.

i think it's threaten suicide part (at the first glance) any poem i give a once over to and see the word suicide makes me think of the cutters handbook

i suppose it works but for me it really has to work really or else it's one of the fake words uttered but never followed that poets use. how about just removing it?

Threaten like one
would threaten cutting off a leech.
but it's just my ha pen'eth, as always the choice is yours

[abu nuwas]

I asked myself this question: in the privacy of your own home, would you really say you enjoyed this? The answer was simple: You are in the privacy of your own home, and if you had, you would not need to ask the question!

That is not to say it does not contain interesting, quite striking elements: the hollow goose, the keys.

I was taken also by the way in which, even now, so much of what is written, contains references to Judaeo-Christian, or Hellenic mythology -- that is fascinating. Aish recently referred to Jewish customs for New Year, and Yom Kippur, and in his critique, Todd mentioned the Eucharist. Which brings me to the big line you have about 'This is my body and this is my blood'. That alone, I suspect, made it difficult for the rest of the poem to stand; since it is such a powerful thing, it needs powerful support. As is, it seems a bit like painting a fierce swastika, surrounded by pretty flowers, or photos of your aunties.

The last line is meaningless to me. It seems like as question which is misconceived. If, when I say, I am monarch of all I survey', I instantly acquired a crown and some vassals, which should not be inhabiting the world which we do. We should be in a world where rubbing lamps was a normal way of achieving one's goals.

Sorry to be so negative, and disagreeable-- but I am by nature disagreeable.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Bilbo
I don't know what word I could replace "suicide" with, but I'll have a think about it. What makes you lean towards hate? Does the poem come across as self-pitying or arrogant? I worried about that with the silent grooves line and the Biblical references.

i think it's threaten suicide part (at the first glance) any poem i give a once over to and see the word suicide makes me think of the cutters handbook

i suppose it works but for me it really has to work really or else it's one of the fake words uttered but never followed that poets use. how about just removing it?

Threaten like one
would threaten cutting off a leech.
but it's just my ha pen'eth, as always the choice is yours

Thanks for your help, Bilbo. After some thought I'm going to keep the word because I feel removing it would make suicide the elephant in the room, something implied but never discussed, which I believe would ironically put more emphasis on it than is needed.
Just my take on it

---

I asked myself this question: in the privacy of your own home, would you really say you enjoyed this? The answer was simple: You are in the privacy of your own home, and if you had, you would not need to ask the question!

That is not to say it does not contain interesting, quite striking elements: the hollow goose, the keys.

I was taken also by the way in which, even now, so much of what is written, contains references to Judaeo-Christian, or Hellenic mythology -- that is fascinating. Aish recently referred to Jewish customs for New Year, and Yom Kippur, and in his critique, Todd mentioned the Eucharist. Which brings me to the big line you have about 'This is my body and this is my blood'. That alone, I suspect, made it difficult for the rest of the poem to stand; since it is such a powerful thing, it needs powerful support. As is, it seems a bit like painting a fierce swastika, surrounded by pretty flowers, or photos of your aunties.

The last line is meaningless to me. It seems like as question which is misconceived. If, when I say, I am monarch of all I survey', I instantly acquired a crown and some vassals, which should not be inhabiting the world which we do. We should be in a world where rubbing lamps was a normal way of achieving one's goals.

Sorry to be so negative, and disagreeable-- but I am by nature disagreeable.

Thanks for your feedback, Abu
What makes you not enjoy the poem? Do you find it too morose?
I see what you mean about treating spirituality lightly, as a closing metaphor, which I think is what you meant by the swastika analogy.
The last line is intended as a reflection on how the more you tell yourself something the more you believe it, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. So if I tell myself constantly that I'll end up attempting suicide, the more likely it is to happen.

[abu nuwas]

I think,Jack, that I begin with a blank sheet, on which have to be written some pluses for me to enjoy. So - it is not necessarily a matter of encountering things which make me dislike. If I am truthful, though, since you ask, I think there are things which make me not enjoy it, if enjoy would be the right word.

The first part, I could have said constructively, I found attractive. Once suicide make its appearance, I have a gut reaction, liking back to all those cutty people. That does not mean it could never be used, or referred to; but it is such a heavy thing, that the remainder would have to be outstandingly good. So rather as with the 'body and blood' bit, I think it is begging for greater stuff. These three things, then, (suicide, body and blood, and final line) would be the specific bits that put me off.

I read what you say about the metaphor, but do not even now see where the metaphor comes in. Finally, yes, it was a bit morose for me.

[heslopian]

Thanks for clarifying, Abu. Reading your critique has been really useful.

[Philatone]

hey heslopian
have to say, your title drew me in from the start. taking it from there here are my thoughts and suggestions (do as you please of course)

When life serves you a hollow goose,
flesh crumbling like some old church, .."crumbling" is a wonderful word. with the flesh, it really turns disgusting, moreso even with the church image. captured well
and demands you strip the bones with nothing but your teeth, ..I was wondering if you need the "your"
it's easy to lean on despair.

there is a decent-sized jump here between stanzas. could another one be added, or more of a transition?

Threaten suicide like one
would threaten cutting off a leech. ..i'm not sure of the way i'm supposed to take these first two lines--I think it stems from the "leech" and uncertainty about how it's being used: as medicine? as something awful? leads to drastically different interpretations
You're not brave enough to leave
that vampire alone, so pay his way



for small comforts, but threatening is cathartic. ..certainly a tiny grain of truth here
An open window to the left
of your headboard, the silent grooves ..like how the "grooves" have made their way here
of keys. This is my body and this is my blood. ..interesting. comparing a sacrifice of suicide to something biblical? am I interpreting it wrong?

You cannot exchange it for wine. ..charged, defiant line here
Drink nonetheless from these fountains of jet. ..really like the fountain image
(Fables written by twenty-year olds are redundant.)
When a metaphor is born, what keeps it from drawing breath?

If I was asked what this poem was about, I would respond "Desperation caused by life expecting too much of the speaker". But I'm not confident in that answer, as everything is abstract. The religious images here I found interesting in their decay, so I believe that has a larger role in the poem--maybe it could become even larger?

just my thoughts