girl watcher

[Wildcard]

nipply weather out
boyfriend's a dick-head loser
eyes back on the ground

[Leanne]

I don't remember seeing "nipply" on any kigo list , but three nicely self-contained lines give a fairly complete picture. You probably should lose the colon though.

I quite like the way the thought that "boyfriend's a dick-head loser" causes her to raise her eyes, perhaps a wistful glance at a house she's passing or a park bench once lovingly shagged upon... then back to the ground when she realises that it's just one step after another.

___________

hmm... my first reading was from the girl's standpoint but then I noticed your title (titles in 'ku act as an extra line and they're kind of cheating but in this case...) so I'm left thinking it's some pervert walking along checking out women as he passes, only glancing up from the ground when he notices a decent pair of legs I guess...

[billy]

i suppose nipply could denote cold aka winter hehe.
it makes a decent senryu. leanne's right with the colon, usually it's nothing or a - or -- to denote the cut.

i like the cut, and the perviness,

[Wildcard]

I forgot I posted this.

Leanne,
So in haiku the title shouldn't be necessary information to the meaning of the poem or am I taking you too literally? Thanks for reading, I admittedly have no idea about haiku, it just makes me feel happy I like your original interpretation more than my poem. If I change the title it will basically become a different poem . . . or maybe a more ambiguous poem. Would that be plagiarism?

Billy,
I was banking on the 'nipply' kigo :p Looking at it now it's more like somebody's thoughts. I'll edit the colon out (that just sounds nasty)

[Aish]

I think you should leave it at "Watcher". Although that might ring as more sinister.

It's been nipply weather here the past few days. I put my rings back in just so I could enjoy it a little more

[Wildcard]

I can't imagine enjoying cold steel impaling me. I think I might rename this, but Im gonna give it some time. The right name will come to me eventually . . . or not

[abu nuwas]

Until I read the comments of others, I thought it just related to a bloke who sees a girl who's a bit of a cracker, and as it would be inconvenient for any boyf to be a -really good bloke, he assigns any putative boyf the role of dickhead. Then, realising one does not get brownie points for gawping, he looks down.

Thjat's it!

[billy]

title are usually frowned on but basho used them now and again as did other haiku greats. like leanne said, it's a bit of a cheat having a line that's a third the length of the poem

i do use one now and again but normally i just call it Haiku.

[Aish]

I'm just used to naming things. So I need to erase my titles? I am ok with that, I would prefer to be using the form correctly.

---

I can't imagine enjoying cold steel impaling me.

"Impaling" is a bit more dramatic than a little piercing.
You don't know what you're missing

[billy]

leeway is leeway. if you feel comfortable with or without the title it's okay to go.
my choice is just call it haiku unless you really want to expand it a little.

one of the reasons no titles were used is the fact that it originates from renku (i think) where a poem was passed around in the three line 2 line 3 line game you started in the pig's arse. when it became just the 3 liner, it didn't seem right to add a title. western haiku writers often do though. hope it helps you whith your choice

[Wildcard]

Thanks Billy and thanks for plugging the game that no one plays

[billy]

hehe, the number of things i tried to get people posting, on'y to see it stagnate is infinite, give it time and if it doesn't work try something new

[Wildcard]

I think maybe simple is better