***(I write)

[bogpan]

I write –
on autumn leaves,
when the sun is
alive
The grass
is still
fragrant.
And you are a dream which
I won’t
tell about.
My eyes are collecting colorful rains.
As in the mad years,
when
I ran with a cloth
to bandage the light.
The wings have left
and the golden sparkles which
you are writing with today,
without even knowing…

A shed
feather of Fujiyama.

[billy]

you have two "which" one on line 8 and one on line 17. neither of them are needed.
other than that, it's absolutely beautiful and i can't remember saying that about a modern poem.
i love the enjambment (apart from the which's)
i thought about the enjambment on the last two lines and they really do work on more than one level.
the poem starts slow then poignantly gathers a tsunami of beauty. (jmo)
it get's a wow from me, that this is your 2nd language gets a huge mexican wave

thanks for one of best reads i've had in a long times.

[Wildcard]

Great job, bogpan. I don't have a lot to say critically as I love your choice of language. 'collecting colorful rains', 'cloth to bandage the light' and the last two lines are marvelous (imo). As far as the 'which'es, I liked the last one, but thought the first one should be cut or replaced with 'that'. Thanks for sharing.

[Philatone]

Ey bogpan!

I write – ...I like the dash
on autumn leaves,
when the sun is
alive
The grass
is still
fragrant. ...in one of these lines (3-7), some punctuation would help to guide me, unless you prefer the openness of meaning
And you are a dream which
I won’t
tell about.
My eyes are collecting colorful rains.
As in the mad years, ...I like mad here, but I think an even more specific adjective could make the "years" stand out even more; something to suggest more "craziness" or more "anger" depending on preference.
when
I ran with a cloth
to bandage the light. ...beautiful image, the light needing aid or just shielding
The wings have left
and the golden sparkles which ...is the "and" needed? I could be misinterpreting the line
you are writing with today,
without even knowing…

A shed
feather of Fujiyama. ...great ending!

just were my thoughts. I hope they find you well

[addy]

You've got a real gem with this one, i think.

I write –
on autumn leaves,
when the sun is
alive
The grass
is still
fragrant. Up til about this point it edges a little on cliche, but it does work well. It might be just me, but I think I would like it more if the arrangement of sun and grass was switched... only because "sun is alive" strikes me as the stronger line and the sequence of "leaves-grass-sun" makes sense to me. That's just my take on it, though.
And you are a dream which
I won’t
tell about.
My eyes are collecting colorful rains.
As in the mad years,
when
I ran with a cloth
to bandage the light. Line after line of perfection. Personally I like "mad years", and the bandage line is truly inspired. Honestly, this made me tear up a little. very beautiful.
The wings have left
and the golden sparkles I'd like this better as "golden sparks", but that may be just me which
you are writing with today,
without even knowing… lovely lines, but I do agree with Philatone that there might be something wrong with the grammar? It reads like an incomplete sentence to me. I'm not sure I'm reading it correctly so not really sure how to correct it either.

A shed
feather of Fujiyama.

[bogpan]

you have two "which" one on line 8 and one on line 17. neither of them are needed.
other than that, it's absolutely beautiful and i can't remember saying that about a modern poem.
i love the enjambment (apart from the which's)
i thought about the enjambment on the last two lines and they really do work on more than one level.
the poem starts slow then poignantly gathers a tsunami of beauty. (jmo)
it get's a wow from me, that this is your 2nd language gets a huge mexican wave

thanks for one of best reads i've had in a long times.

Thanks for reading, Billy. Unfortunately I am not able to assess your proposal, because I am weak in English grammar, and I doubt that your proposal will lead to problems in the rhythm. The poem is largely literal translation, but in the Bulgarian language is the meaning of the word is different.>: D <

---

Great job, bogpan. I don't have a lot to say critically as I love your choice of language. 'collecting colorful rains', 'cloth to bandage the light' and the last two lines are marvelous (imo). As far as the 'which'es, I liked the last one, but thought the first one should be cut or replaced with 'that'. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for your opinion. I am glad that you liked the language. Please for your version of the poem. With respect.

---

Ey bogpan!

I write – ...I like the dash
on autumn leaves,
when the sun is
alive
The grass
is still
fragrant. ...in one of these lines (3-7), some punctuation would help to guide me, unless you prefer the openness of meaning
And you are a dream which
I won’t
tell about.
My eyes are collecting colorful rains.
As in the mad years, ...I like mad here, but I think an even more specific adjective could make the "years" stand out even more; something to suggest more "craziness" or more "anger" depending on preference.
when
I ran with a cloth
to bandage the light. ...beautiful image, the light needing aid or just shielding
The wings have left
and the golden sparkles which ...is the "and" needed? I could be misinterpreting the line
you are writing with today,
without even knowing…

A shed
feather of Fujiyama. ...great ending!

just were my thoughts. I hope they find you well

"in one of these lines (3-7), some punctuation would help to" guide me, unless you prefer the openness of meaning
I could be misinterpreting the line "
I think that there is no misunderstanding of the meaning of the reader, but every stihotovorenie should retain a particle effect visible only to the author.
"I like mad here, but I think an even more specific adjective could make the" years "stand out even more; something to suggest more" craziness "or more" anger "depending on preference."
I see no need for harsh words to remember speaking with a smile.
". is the" and "needed?" here could be considered. I'm not sure if there will be no probem in rhythm. Perhaps it is more expressive?
Many thanks for the careful reading!

---

You've got a real gem with this one, i think.

I write –
on autumn leaves,
when the sun is
alive
The grass
is still
fragrant. Up til about this point it edges a little on cliche, but it does work well. It might be just me, but I think I would like it more if the arrangement of sun and grass was switched... only because "sun is alive" strikes me as the stronger line and the sequence of "leaves-grass-sun" makes sense to me. That's just my take on it, though.
And you are a dream which
I won’t
tell about.
My eyes are collecting colorful rains.
As in the mad years,
when
I ran with a cloth
to bandage the light. Line after line of perfection. Personally I like "mad years", and the bandage line is truly inspired. Honestly, this made me tear up a little. very beautiful.
The wings have left
and the golden sparkles I'd like this better as "golden sparks", but that may be just me which
you are writing with today,
without even knowing… lovely lines, but I do agree with Philatone that there might be something wrong with the grammar? It reads like an incomplete sentence to me. I'm not sure I'm reading it correctly so not really sure how to correct it either.

A shed
feather of Fujiyama.

"Up til about this point it edges a little on cliche" I agree, but the problem is in the translation. The word that is used in the original is derived from the air, but I could not find a synonym in English. Your arrangement makes sense, but here it is a symbolic meaning of words.
I'd like this better as "golden sparks" - just as in the original, but Bulgaria is not considered a good technique to use words that way. I do not know how to accept the American reader.
"lovely lines, but I do agree with Philatone that there might be something wrong with the grammar? It reads like an incomplete sentence to me. I'm not sure I'm reading it correctly so not really sure how to correct it either" Unfortunately I can not speak on this issue. I can say that the original is also quite specific.
Thanks for reading. Very nice look at this text.
>: D <