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Climbing up my naked leg,
this intrepid ant should be
squashed flat for his temerity.
My hand is poised above the brake of hair
in which the struggling pilgrim tickles me.
Ignorance has surely led him there,
which must explain why I still hesitate
to end his foolish trek--
as hopeless as my own.
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i have to agree that last lines, which try to give a comparison or insight often fail. (of course they don't always fail) but i think it does here.
before that, the poem is more of a snapshot that holds the fate of the ant in the palm of your hand, it has a feel of fun about the thing. a shall i shan't i. the last line seems to take all those qualities away. i really like everything above the last line. i don't think "is" is needed in L4,
thanks for the read.
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This poem flows beautifully. It's a sweet and whimsical piece, which reads like banter translated to carefully considered verse. Thanks for the read
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Very interesting write... the language is polished and controlled, and perfectly balanced between emotive and thoughtful. I love how you've phrased certain things, like "brake of hair". I found the ending poignant as well, and saw it more as a possible parallel to the relation-chasm between god and man... at least, the sobering and not so pretty version.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Hey Patrick!
(10-16-2011, 06:45 PM)Patrick Traveler Wrote: Climbing up my naked leg,
this intrepid ant should be
squashed flat for his temerity. ..I find your word choice interesting. the shift from words like "intrepid" and "temerity" (among others in the poem) did not mix well with "squashed" for me.
My hand is poised above the brake of hair .."brake of hair" is great
in which the struggling pilgrim tickles me. ..don't understand the "struggling". can it be shown? is he having a hard time climbing?
Ignorance has surely led him there,
which must explain why I still hesitate
to end his foolish trek-- ..why "foolish"?
as hopeless as my own. [b]..going to agree with billy on this last line as being a little lacking. I think another line or two may make it work. Having more comparisons between you and the ant might better incorporate it into the poem
i found myself just a little unsure about why you used several adjectives/ word choice in general. Overall, the poem made me smile; it's a relatable, light topic
Written only for you to consider.
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I loved it. I'm not sure about your leg but my leg is so hairy the ant would think he had ventured into the Amazon. A nice strong poem with a dash of humour.
