Gardener

[Philatone]

V. 3
Adjusted: Title
1st stanza, removed birds of paradise, added the "shutters" bit.
S2. Trimmed adjectives down
S4. removed the two "their"s and "the" in the last line
S9. replaced "minute" with "time"


Not a Gardener (tentative)

When flower boxes bloom
Between my neighbor's shutters
I wish I were a gardener.

I could see sprouts hatch from the porch
And I would feel like a bearded, sunburned captain
Gazing at the tiny islands strung
To the end of a long and salted periscope.

To be a gardener:
To find a home
Not in doors and water faucets
But in the green bursting
Of the earth.

I am drawn to tapestries
Woven in mulch and hedge stones.
I even admire crumbs of earth
Sprinkled on gloves

So much,
One day I looked for tools
To build my own quarter of Eden,

But all I found were two hands
Stiff as steel
And a sun too cold
Above clouds too dry.

I am upset no longer
For not having the touch
That lifts petals to the sky.

I only wonder
If these things happen to other people

Who search for a garden
Without a thought
To a single seed,
Or the time it took
To place it there,

And how many holes it takes
To lay a poem for tomorrow,
Or even
How much shade.





----------------------------------------------

V. 2
Adjusted: line breaks throughout
S. 1 Added l's 2&3
S. 6 changed "heart" to "sun"
S. 7 changed "sun" to "sky"


Gardener

At times like these,
When flower boxes bloom above
Birds of paradise,
I wish I were a gardener.

Today would be the day
I could see sprouts hatch from the porch
And I would feel like a sunburned and bearded captain
Gazing at the tiny islands strung
To the end of a long and salted periscope.

To be a gardener:
To find a home
Not in doors and water faucets
But in the green bursting
Of the earth.

I am drawn to their tapestries,
Woven in mulch and hedge stones.
I even admire the crumbs of earth
Sprinkled on their gloves

So much,
One day I looked for tools
To build my own quarter of Eden,

But all I found were two hands
Stiff as steel
And a sun too cold
Above clouds too dry.

I am upset no longer
For not having the touch
That lifts petals to the sky.

I only wonder
If these things happen to other people

Who search for a garden
Without a thought
To a single seed,
Or to the minute it took
To place it there,

And how many holes it takes
To lay a poem for tomorrow,
Or even
How much shade.


--------------------------------------
Original.

Gardener


At times like these
I wish I were a gardener.

Today
Would be the day
I could see sprouts hatch from the porch
And I would feel
Like a sunburned and bearded captain
Gazing at the tiny islands strung
To the end of a long and salted periscope.

To be a gardener:
To find a home
Not in doors and water faucets
But in
The green
Bursting
Of the earth.

I am drawn
To their tapestries,
Woven in mulch and
Hedge stones.
I even admire
The crumbs of earth
Sprinkled on their gloves

So much, one day
I looked
For tools to build
My own quarter of Eden,

But all I found
Were two hands
Stiff as steel
And a heart too cold
Beneath clouds too dry.

I am upset no longer
For not having the touch
That lifts petals to the sun.

I only wonder
If these things
Happen to other people

Who search for a garden
Without a thought
To a single seed,
Or to the minute it took
To place it there,

And how many holes
It takes
To lay a poem for tomorrow,
Or even
How much shade.

[Aish]

At times like these What kind of times? It's too vague an opener for me.
I wish I were a gardener.

Today
Would be the day Why would today be the day?
I could see sprouts hatch from the porch
And I would feel
Like a sunburned and bearded captain
Gazing at the tiny islands strung
To the end of a long and salted periscope. I read 'salted periscope' as 'salted peanuts' the first time.

To be a gardener:
To find a home
Not in doors and water faucets
But in
The green
Bursting
Of the earth.

I am drawn
To their tapestries,
Woven in mulch and
Hedge stones.
I even admire
The crumbs of earth
Sprinkled on their gloves

So much, one day
I looked
For tools to build
My own quarter of Eden,

But all I found
Were two hands
Stiff as steel
And a heart too cold Too cold for what?
Beneath clouds too dry.

I am upset no longer
For not having the touch The slightly longer lines in this strophe are better for the enjambment imo.
That lifts petals to the sun.

I only wonder
If these things
Happen to other people

Who search for a garden
Without a thought
To a single seed,
Or to the minute it took
To place it there,

And how many holes
It takes
To lay a poem for tomorrow,
Or even
How much shade.

I like the theme running through this piece of writing. I personally am not a fan of capitalizing every line. It is a novice device IMO and detracts from the poem. Your lines are quite short and choppy, which is in direct contrast to the conversational tone of the poem.

[Philatone]

Thanks Aish! Will definitely have a look at the line breaks, as well as trying to specify a little more those opening stanzas. With regards to the capitalization, that is one thing I would prefer to keep, though I do realize it's not a preferred style to everyone.

[billy]

seems i missed this one, i'll comment on the edited version
i think the title could be be beefed up a tad. would abovein L2, work better in L3?
i think poems like this should be wordy but (there's always a but) i think a bit of the wordy could be cut and in doing so make it a little deeper. i see a 'but' in v 6 and an i am, in v 7. there are more but i think it best if you really strip out (prune it like a gardener would)what you think should go.

i love the twist from gardener of the soil to gardener of the words. in the last verse. you say in one line;
To their tapestries,
whose tapestries? is 'their' needed?

i think this has a deep poem inside it that could bloom with cut back. i thought the 4th verse the best, and very good. jmo

thanks for the read

[addy]

Critiquing version 2

I really like the little adjustments you made to some of the line breaks; slowing down the flow complements the theme of this particular piece. I like the alteration from "sun" to "sky" as well.

I hate to say it, but... I think the two new line additions in stanza 1 let you down. They are very pretty, but in the context of the opening they are a bit pat and express little. For me they kind of dampen the more layered interpretation you are building up to in the piece (envying the gardener for gifts and qualities that a writer can metaphorically resonate with), where the narrator admires experiential details of horticulture in a way that's removed from superficial "lovely flower" observations in many garden-variety poems. Just my two cents.

Thanks for the read, i enjoyed this immensely.

Gardener

At times like these,
When flower boxes bloom above
Birds of paradise, Maybe change these two lines
I wish I were a gardener.

Today would be the day Not sure this line is necessary? Maybe you could just lead into "I would see sprouts... // And feel like a...." etc. Just a thought
I could see sprouts hatch from the porch
And I would feel like a sunburned and bearded captain
Gazing at the tiny islands strung
To the end of a long and salted periscope. I'm very fond of this description; it's unexpected, and you captured something wide-eyed and adventurous

To be a gardener:
To find a home
Not in doors and water faucets
But in the green bursting
Of the earth. Lovely. Nicely paced as well.

I am drawn to their tapestries,
Woven in mulch and hedge stones.
I even admire the crumbs of earth
Sprinkled on their gloves

So much,
One day I looked for tools
To build my own quarter of Eden,

But all I found were two hands
Stiff as steel
And a sun too cold
Above clouds too dry.

I am upset no longer
For not having the touch
That lifts petals to the sky.

I only wonder
If these things happen to other people

Who search for a garden
Without a thought
To a single seed,
Or to remove "to", I think (there are too many in these few lines) the minute it took
To place it there,

And how many holes it takes
To lay a poem for tomorrow,
Or even
How much shade. Fantastic close

[Todd]

Hi Philatone,

I missed this initially. So, these comments will focus on the revision.

Gardener

At times like these,--not really needed. You could easily start on L2.
When flower boxes bloom above--Optionally, you could pull up birds
Birds of paradise,--If you do that adjusted break you could pull up I wish
I wish I were a gardener.

Today would be the day
I could see sprouts hatch from the porch
And I would feel like a sunburned and bearded captain--maybe bearded, sunburned
Gazing at the tiny islands strung
To the end of a long and salted periscope.--love this line

To be a gardener:
To find a home
Not in doors and water faucets
But in the green bursting
Of the earth.--love these two lines

I am drawn to their tapestries,
Woven in mulch and hedge stones.
I even admire the crumbs of earth
Sprinkled on their gloves

So much,
One day I looked for tools
To build my own quarter of Eden,

But all I found were two hands
Stiff as steel
And a sun too cold
Above clouds too dry.--again, two solid lines

I am upset no longer
For not having the touch
That lifts petals to the sky.

I only wonder
If these things happen to other people

Who search for a garden
Without a thought
To a single seed,
Or to the minute it took--minute doesn't quite seem right
To place it there,

And how many holes it takes
To lay a poem for tomorrow,
Or even
How much shade.

I enjoyed the poem. I hope the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[Philatone]

Hey guys
Once again, your feedback has been invaluable!
Aish-I think this version tackles 90ish% of your areas. Thanks for the comments; they were pretty heavily reinforced by the others. I know it's not perfect, but I do hope you enjoyed.

Billy- I tried to trim! If there are cases where I can do more, I'm open to hearing. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

addy- you actually hit on something I was thinking about with the altered intro- the flowery bit did not mesh with the actual poem at all, and that was a mistake to try and include it. the nitty-gritty bits (e.g., removing the "to") were very useful! thanks for the good eye; you gave me the confidence to change things I was debating.

todd- I think the new elements of the first stanza take away some of the problems. Really appreciated your help with calling "minute" to my attention towards the end of the poem, and offering a suggestion for those adjectives for the captain. Thanks as always for the feedback.

As always, I'm much happier with what I have after there is red pen everywhere. Thanks for everything; always open to more suggestions of course.

[addy]

I agree, I love the result of the edits : lots of little things, but the end result makes a big difference. I think the only thing I could suggest in final is to re-add a time context to the first stanza, so something like: "On days when flower boxes bloom// Between my neighbor's shutters"... but really that's a nit. Very nice job Philatone

[billy]

i'd say it's that time when you need to hold back a lot now PT.
let it sleep for a short while before it becomes to changed. think you have a decent balance edit-wise so far. jmo

thanks for the work shoppng.