Tolerance

[heslopian]

Once he dimmed the lamps and walked
his beat in darkness every night,
as sirens sounded overhead,
sudden death the single light.

Now he bemoans his fellows' rights,
supports the BNP each year,
raves at the world from his old house,
Poisons any listening ear.

A sense of duty holds our tongues,
we cannot grasp his memories,
shattered neighbourhoods and lives;
we bear him like a sick baby.

Even his kids have left him now.
(He never quite learned how to love.)
But we can't grasp his memories,
shattered neighbourhoods, and doves.

[billy]

i like the underlying plea for understanding in this jack.
not sure you need the Once on the 1st line. the whole verse is an image for the once (an earlier time (war) when lights were dimmed by hand, and order) i think you could could lose a bit of the non essentials of the piece though not sure how far to take the strip (things like "each year")
i do like it, but feel it's verging to close to the prose side of writing.
thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback Billy What about the poem makes it feel like prose to you?

[billy]

apart from the enjambment and a a simile it's more or less devoid of any solid poetic devices (just my opinion of course) i see a half metaphor there and the doves in the end line but in general its pure narration that's carrying it. i think it's much better than much poetry on the net but by your own standard (that i've seen) it feels a little lacking, and no i don't think i can explain how or why.

[Leanne]

I can explain it... it's almost pure "tell", with quite a heavy hand. The only real irony employed is in the title and although it's a subject just begging to be satirised, you've instead gone a bit preachy, especially in the second and fourth stanzas. Sorry Jack, I can't sugar coat it, it's really not telling us anything new.

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback guys Leanne, I don't want you to sugar coat it. If I did I wouldn't put it up to be critiqued

[billy]

+1 jack +1

i only hope some of the newbs see your reaction.

[Patrick Traveler]

This feel like more caricuture than characterization and the poem doesn't allow me to get to know know this guy very well. I would have preferred a short story as there are so many unanswered questions. For example, have the kids left him just because he can't accept change or because he supports the BNP or did he abuse them?

I remember seeing a woman in a diner in the 1970s who had her hair styled just like I'd seen in movies made in the 30s. I promised myself that I would not let myself get stuck in time and have my hair cut the same way for forty years.

So your poem is about something I am interested in: the refusal of some people to adapt to a changing world. Bitter old folks railing at at immigrants and young people. I think you should write this again because it is worth showing how this man is a real problem for society and maybe you need to confront his type with a better poem.

Sorry for blathering.

[heslopian]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mention short stories. There's too much detail here for a poem, so what you're left with is an unfocused caricature. I may write this again in free verse and talk about these kinds of people rather than one specific character.
Thanks for the feedback, Traveler

[bogpan]

I like this poem, regardless of distance between author and lyrical character. Perhaps a bit like a story, but it is understandable why the difference in age - clearly shows the impossibility of empathy And yet final (pigeons) gives hope. I really like the accent, which is achieved by use of brackets.