Hunters Moon

[mroning tide]

This is the month of the death of the father,
this is the month of desultory grief.
October, tensile, resonates to
the tarnished metallic despair
of unlove, blunt stabbed into the gut.

This is the month of undigested sin,
sitting in the mineral sharp stomach of October.
Cut adrift from all names, nights
lying exposed on bone cold streets
dowsed in bitter acid light,
cold and callous pure.

These are the nights of flickering film stills,
the chaff that blows unhomely in
unanchored hours.

I have danced in the wake of a long past vessel, hidden
face down from the shadow echo spat out by fire
and the salt tears cried into walls.

This is the month of the Hunter's moon
holding me captive
all your years.

[Aish]

This is the month of the death of the father, I think "of the death of the father' could be moved down a line'
this is the month of desultory grief. Is 'this is' necessary?
October, tensile, resonates to
the tarnished metallic despair
of unlove, blunt stabbed into the gut I think 'blunt' would read better as 'bluntly'.

This is the month of undigested sin, I really like this line
sitting in the mineral sharp stomach of October. 'is October' necessary as a personified element?
Cut adrift from all names, nights
lying exposed on bone cold streets
dowsed in bitter acid light, I'm not convinced this line is necessary.
cold and callous pure. Perhaps 'cold and callously pure'?

These are the nights of flickering film stills, A nice way to describe memory
the chaff that blows unhomely in I am not understanding 'unhomely'.
unanchored hours.

I have danced in the wake of a long past vessel, hidden For the sake of enjambment I think 'of a long past vessel' could be dropped down a line.
face down from the shadow echo spat out by fire Beginning at 'echo' you should drop it down a line. The way it's reading without a break makes no sense to me.
and the salt tears cried into walls.

This is the month of the Hunter's moon
holding me captive
all your years. A very embittered end.

Overall this piece is uncomfortable to me as the reader, but that's good - it should be. It speaks to me of the cycle of death and mourning, both as autumn approaches as well as emotionally. There is an overtly spiritual component here as well, "This is the month of undigested sin". It speaks very strongly to me of Yom Kippur, but that is personal bias.
The steely embittered atmosphere is well rendered.

[mroning tide]

Hi Aish
Thanks for your generous feedback. I've tried out your suggestions below. I've kept 'unhomely'. There is a German word 'unheimlich' which literally means un-homely, ie not homely, but also is used to mean the uncanny or unfamiliar. I like the Yom Kippur association. It wasn't my intention but I do like the association. For some reason I hate October, I always have, and all I can think is that this is some echo memory from my father, whose own father died very suddenly one October when he was a boy.


This is the month
of the death of the father,
the month of desultory grief.
October, tensile, resonates to
the tarnished metallic despair
of unlove, bluntly stabbed into the gut

This is the month of undigested sin,
sitting in the mineral sharp stomach.
Cut adrift from all names, nights
lying exposed on bone cold streets,
cold and callously pure.

These are the nights of flickering film stills,
the chaff that blows unhomely in
unanchored hours.

I have danced in the wake
of a long past vessel, hidden
face down from the shadow
echo spat out by fire
and the salt tears cried into walls.

This is the month of the Hunter's moon
holding me captive
all your years.

[Philatone]

Hey mroning tide (note! these are based on the original!)

This is the month of the death of the father,
this is the month of desultory grief.
October, tensile, resonates to
the tarnished metallic despair
of unlove, blunt stabbed into the gut.

Agree with Aish about dropping the second "this is," from line 2. Playing with the line breaks could yield something interesting as well if you are keen on repetition. something like "This is the month of the/
Death of the father,/ Desultory grief" to play off of the hard /d/ sound, which can emphasis the melancholy tone. Also agree on shifting "blunt" to "bluntly." I don't have a lot to grab on here imagewise as a whole, it's abstract.

This is the month of undigested sin, I like this as well.
sitting in the mineral sharp stomach of October.
Cut adrift from all names, nights
lying exposed on bone cold streetsHere, I feel like you could really ground the reader on something as there is still little for me to hold onto concretely. Personally, I want a little more information about the streets
dowsed in bitter acid light,
cold and callous pure.

These are the nights of flickering film stills,
the chaff that blows unhomely in
unanchored hours. amazing line for me!

I have danced in the wake of a long past vessel, hidden
face down from the shadow echo spat out by fire
and the salt tears cried into walls. "salt" did little for me; struck me as unnecessary. Maybe "salt from tears"." I think it is stronger as a noun. Also agree with Aish on switching up the line breaks a bit

This is the month of the Hunter's moon
holding me captive
all your years. interesting. makes me want to know more

just some thoughts; I think you set the tone pretty well but I was left with a feeling that I had no one image to remember once I was finished.

[mroning tide]

Hi Philatone
Thanks for your feedback. I've played about with the second last verse. I think I'll take some time to think through the imagery as you mention.
Thanks again

This is the month
of the death of the father,
the month of desultory grief.
October, tensile, resonates to
the tarnished metallic despair
of unlove, bluntly stabbed into the gut

This is the month of undigested sin,
sitting in the mineral sharp stomach.
Cut adrift from all names, nights
lying exposed on bone cold streets,
cold and callously pure.

These are the nights of flickering film stills,
the chaff that blows unhomely in
unanchored hours.

I have danced in the wake
of a long past vessel, hidden
face down from the shadow
spat out, echoing tears reach, pressing unbearably
into the sockets of my eyes

This is the month of the Hunter's moon
holding me captive
all your years.

[abu nuwas]

I prefer the 'Aish' version. For all the disjointed nature of this piece, and for all its final outpouring, I had the strong impression that it was still written as it were not to disclose stuff. More simply, I would have had 'bluntly' preceded by a colon, or semi-colon, so as to catapult the meaning to the last words. I thought the 'acid light' lines were good, perhaps because I know that lights, like bike-lights, once drew their light from acid, acetic, I think.

[mroning tide]

Hi Abu Nuwas
Thanks for your comments. I've not long written this, so probably need to take some time to have a think about it. Thanks.