APPLAUSE

[heslopian]

Life could never work like this: every boy and girl a wit,
deflating any tension with a needle-like aside,
as the daughter's new boyfriend is thrown out by her dad.
But even more perplexing is how this unreality,
windows reflecting the studio lights, can be the ultimate comfort.

You know the cameras touch the edge of the carpets and lino,
formaldehyde preserving each mannerism, facial tic,
spectral laughter blundering like soldiers through a native camp.
But this can be forgiven if the phoniness is comforting,
floral womb enveloping the static multitudes. APPLAUSE.

[Philatone]

Hello Heslopian!
Here are my thoughts, I hope they find you well

Life could never work like this: every boy and girl a wit, like the rhythm here. good flow
deflating any tension with a needle-like aside, I get the idea with the needle. But I think the image is incomplete; is it the needle itself or the needle's deflating something like a balloon that is being compared? i might be too nitpicky
as the daughter's new boyfriend is thrown out by her dad.
But even more perplexing is how this unreality, mmhmm yummy
windows reflecting the studio lights, can be the ultimate comfort. The first half of this line made me think. I like how the windows show the disconnect; I feel that traditionally they have a more positive connotation (what with nature and sunshine and outdoors) but you've subverted it a bit and it is refreshing.

You know the cameras touch the edge of the carpets and lino,
formaldehyde preserving each mannerism, facial tic, I think the formaldehyde is a tough word to use in a poem, but here it feels effortless and completely correct to me
spectral laughter blundering like soldiers through a native camp. "blundering" is a strong word here; I think it captures that sense of intrusiveness well. I'm still not sure how I feel about the simile with the soldiers.
But this can be forgiven if the phoniness is comforting, got a bit distracted because a line already ended with "comfort" in the first stanza. I would also like some elaboration. Why is it comforting? What does that mean? I understand, and yet I want to understand more. I feel as though you were about to explain at the end of the first stanza, but instead the poem shifted to describing cameras monitoring the scene.
floral womb enveloping the static multitudes. APPLAUSE. great use of "applause"!

I enjoyed the bit about the cameras in the second half and the writing overall. It certainly was a pleasure to read. The similes i'm still debating on, and the message I think is lacking a little strength. I guess it seems like a battle between the falseness of it all and the need for it to feel relieved in life. I just want more on that comfort aspect. What about it is comforting for people? Or maybe I'm supposed to be left with that question, because I shouldn't be comforted by something so false?
Hmm.
I hope this helps to some degree!

[ICSoria]

Jack,
I personally like the imagery you attempt to convey in this piece. My main nits are usually with extraneous words such as “the,” not all of them necessarily but at least five (by my count), as per my suggestions pending your approval of course. This would allow a quick, natural tightening of your already compelling rhythm. I would also like to see “every” in S1L1 switched with "each" in S2L2, to smooth the rhythm further. JMHO, and it is all subject to your own final interpretation. I know at this point this is also subject to revision anyhow, so I hesitant to appear too much the form-pedant for now. Thanks for sharing,

Sid

Life could never work like this: every(each) boy and girl a wit,
deflating any tension with a needle-like aside,
as the daughter's new boyfriend is thrown out by her dad.
But even more perplexing is how this unreality,
windows reflecting the studio lights, can be the ultimate comfort.

You know the cameras touch the edge of the carpets and lino,
formaldehyde preserving each(every) mannerism, facial tic,
spectral laughter blundering like soldiers through a native camp.
But this can be forgiven if the[such?] phoniness is comforting,
floral womb enveloping the static multitudes. APPLAUSE.

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback guys I'll think about how I can strengthen the message (I may add another verse) and remove those extraneous "the"s.
One question for ICSoria: when I read the "each" and "every" lines in my head they flow well as they are, or at least better than they would the other way around, so is your suggestion based objectively on meter or a personal sense of rhyhtm?

[ICSoria]

One question for ICSoria: when I read the "each" and "every" lines in my head they flow well as they are, or at least better than they would the other way around, so is your suggestion based objectively on meter or a personal sense of rhyhtm?

Objectively:
S1L1 is Trochaic Heptameter, while S2L2 is Iambic Heptameter--after suggested changes. Additionally, S1L2 is Iambic Heptameter while S2L2 is Iambic Octameter, with suggested change. You might also consider removing “facial” to cut that line one foot shorter. It is clear what is meant by tic. This line is also Iambic, but only if you somewhat contort the last word’s stress.
I do not like to get into rewriting anyone’s poem but one such as this could benefit with a bit more consistency throughout. A bit of modulation in a longer poem is not unusual and usually prevents it from becoming overly tedious in reading but it should not be too obvious.

Sid

[heslopian]

Ah I see. Thanks for clarifying

[ICSoria]

Ah I see. Thanks for clarifying

I just edited my previous thoughts further. Please accept it as one man's opinion and take or leave as you will.

Sid