Brother Death

[John Holland]

This may shock some, but I never consciously count syllables or stresses. I don't mind that a poem "jars" in places. It helps to wake the critics up.

Brother Death is a departure from my usual style. I usually write free poetry that may or may not contain some internal rhyme, alliteration or other devises.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I haven't yet had time to consider everyone's suggestion and revise.

John

Hi John,
   Time is sometimes hard to come by so it's taken me a while to get around to posting, but I have read this one a few times already and I like it. I'll be honest, the rhythm that's happening feels interrupted to me at time. I count four stresses per line, but the syllables between seem erratic. The first couplet, to me is in perfect rythym, but some of the shorter lines felt awkward to my newbie toungue.

 of women wooed and battles fought.
(of WOMen WOOED and BATtles FOUGHT.)?

   I am reading this as iambic tetrameter . . . It makes me think that I am missing something here. Are you counting stresses only and varying the unstressed counts?

[Todd]

I guess this begs the question John, do you think the jarring adds to the poem? If it doesn't than I consider this method a bad choice on your part. Who cares about the critic's response. The issue should be is the poem the best it could be. If the jarring serves then let it jar. Are you sure you aren't simply resisting learning the rules before you break them?

When I read comments like that I tend not to waste my time commenting. What's the point if things are put in there just to tweak critics. I would have felt better about your comment if you had said I set the meter that way for the purpose of making the poem better. This sort of reasoning strikes me as a bit of a cop out.

Just my thoughts,

Todd

This may shock some, but I never consciously count syllables or stresses. I don't mind that a poem "jars" in places. It helps to wake the critics up.

Brother Death is a departure from my usual style. I usually write free poetry that may or may not contain some internal rhyme, alliteration or other devises.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I haven't yet had time to consider everyone's suggestion and revise.

John

Hi John,
   Time is sometimes hard to come by so it's taken me a while to get around to posting, but I have read this one a few times already and I like it. I'll be honest, the rhythm that's happening feels interrupted to me at time. I count four stresses per line, but the syllables between seem erratic. The first couplet, to me is in perfect rythym, but some of the shorter lines felt awkward to my newbie toungue.

 of women wooed and battles fought.
(of WOMen WOOED and BATtles FOUGHT.)?

   I am reading this as iambic tetrameter . . . It makes me think that I am missing something here. Are you counting stresses only and varying the unstressed counts?

[John Holland]

I think you may have misunderstood my statement and failed to notice that a lot of it was "tongue in cheek". Particularly the jarring part.

When you say "who cares about the critic's response", my response would have to be that everyone who posts here cares. Why else are we posting if not to be read and have our work critiqued?

I see I will have to be more careful of how I word my responses, if I am to post poetry on this site.

You all seem to take yourselves very seriously.

I guess this begs the question John, do you think the jarring adds to the poem? If it doesn't than I consider this method a bad choice on your part. Who cares about the critic's response. The issue should be is the poem the best it could be. If the jarring serves then let it jar. Are you sure you aren't simply resisting learning the rules before you break them?

When I read comments like that I tend not to waste my time commenting. What's the point if things are put in there just to tweak critics. I would have felt better about your comment if you had said I set the meter that way for the purpose of making the poem better. This sort of reasoning strikes me as a bit of a cop out.

Just my thoughts,

Todd

This may shock some, but I never consciously count syllables or stresses. I don't mind that a poem "jars" in places. It helps to wake the critics up.

Brother Death is a departure from my usual style. I usually write free poetry that may or may not contain some internal rhyme, alliteration or other devises.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I haven't yet had time to consider everyone's suggestion and revise.

John

Hi John,
   Time is sometimes hard to come by so it's taken me a while to get around to posting, but I have read this one a few times already and I like it. I'll be honest, the rhythm that's happening feels interrupted to me at time. I count four stresses per line, but the syllables between seem erratic. The first couplet, to me is in perfect rythym, but some of the shorter lines felt awkward to my newbie toungue.

 of women wooed and battles fought.
(of WOMen WOOED and BATtles FOUGHT.)?

   I am reading this as iambic tetrameter . . . It makes me think that I am missing something here. Are you counting stresses only and varying the unstressed counts?

[billy]

text is very flat. often all we take is what we see. while an author may giggle at a tongue in cheek, the recipient may fume

the line in question? it reads iambic to me as well as it does to you but a lot of lines, read as something else,
L1,4,8,10 and 14 are not iambic. so in the respect of not counting the stresses or syls, you're quite correct, you didn't bother

[Wildcard]

Hi John,
   I don't mean to 'pile on' at all, but I did want to say that I don't write poetry to have it critiqued, I write poetry for the same reason I program computers and work with wood. In the end, I just want to feel like I've done a good job. When I ask for someone's opinion on a bird house that I've built, I never intend to break it apart and rebuild it if they don't like it, but their comments might help me build a better bird house next time. If their nit is something small like the color, though, I might repaint it, but mostly the advice is to make me a better bird house builder.
   To me, that's what this forum is all about. Whether you edit your current poem or not, you will have gained insightful knowledge on how other people receive your work.
   As far as taking ourselves too seriously, I think you may need to visit the sewer to see how wrong that is. There are some personalities here. I think I speak for everyone when I say that you are very welcome here. Think of Todd's comment as a way to help you get better feedback.
   I hope to see more of your work, John. See ya around.

[John Holland]

No problem.

Hi John,
   I don't mean to 'pile on' at all, but I did want to say that I don't write poetry to have it critiqued, I write poetry for the same reason I program computers and work with wood. In the end, I just want to feel like I've done a good job. When I ask for someone's opinion on a bird house that I've built, I never intend to break it apart and rebuild it if they don't like it, but their comments might help me build a better bird house next time. If their nit is something small like the color, though, I might repaint it, but mostly the advice is to make me a better bird house builder.
   To me, that's what this forum is all about. Whether you edit your current poem or not, you will have gained insightful knowledge on how other people receive your work.
   As far as taking ourselves too seriously, I think you may need to visit the sewer to see how wrong that is. There are some personalities here. I think I speak for everyone when I say that you are very welcome here. Think of Todd's comment as a way to help you get better feedback.
   I hope to see more of your work, John. See ya around.