Trees

[Patrick Traveler]

The trees conspire in company
to cut the power to our house
for there is something in the woods
that hates electric wire
and trees have reason, certainly
to fear the reach of our desire.

The firs that circle round our place
seem confounded by the glare.
Our floodlights float a misty scrim
that dulls the ancient sky,
and when the power died tonight
I thought I heard a sigh.

[Todd]

Hi Patrick,

This sort of reminds me of Simic's The White Room, in the sort of looming presence of the trees and the hint of madness. I'm hesitant to suggest any cuts because I like the sonics so much. One I kept considering was L1 "in company" but I liked how it sounded with certainly and I didn't like the triple end rhyme the change would leave in it's wake. I absolutely love L3-4 and your final four lines. Our floodlights float a misty scrim that dulls the ancient sky is so good.

No nits from me. I really enjoyed this piece.

Best,

Todd

The trees conspire in company
to cut the power to our house
for there is something in the woods
that hates electric wire
and trees have reason, certainly
to fear the reach of our desire.

The firs that circle round our place
seem confounded by the glare.
Our floodlights float a misty scrim
that dulls the ancient sky,
and when the power died tonight
I thought I heard a sigh.

[Leanne]

I love the rhythms you've created here as well -- my only suggestion is to add a syllable to S2, L2, perhaps "they seem confounded by the glare". The atmosphere is wonderful, blending the modern with very primal nature. Nicely done, Patrick.

[grannyjill]

Hey, this is great! It is weird and commonplace, too - which makes it even more weird. By commonplace I mean the matter of fact way you have written it with no flights of fancy, or fanciful words.

Weird and creepy...yep, that's it.

'conspire' implies that it is with others.Yes? So, 'company' could be jettisoned. How about 'secrecy' to take its place?

[Ca ne fait rien]

The trees conspire in company
to cut the power to our house
for there is something in the woods
that hates electric wire
and trees have reason, certainly
to fear the reach of our desire.

The firs that circle round our place
seem confounded by the glare.
Our floodlights float a misty scrim
that dulls the ancient sky,
and when the power died tonight
I thought I heard a sigh.

I have no suggestions for improvement.
The poetical devices are well used, the rhymes and rhythms enhance the subject matter. The sonics suggest the wind in the firs, I can hear the sounds of the night in the trees. I can actually physically hear the night in the woods here, too, and I can relate to the poem. The trees here interfere with the telephone lines and thus my internet connection. Little animals have been known to gnaw through the electricity cables on occasion, too. I like the ambiguity and slight sinister tone to 'Something in the woods.'
I can also relate to how the floodlights 'dull the ancient sky', (splendid line btw, and sympathise with the sigh of relief to feel the darkness when the halogen goes out - (I have come to dislike light pollution of any kind interfering with the stars, and have been tempted to shoot out my nneighbours' security lights with an air rifle from time to time. Have resisted of course ) ).
This reader certainly likes this poem.

[billy]

The trees conspire in company
to cut the power to our house
for there is something in the woods
that hates electric wire
and trees have reason, certainly
to fear the reach of our desire.

The firs that circle round our place
seem confounded by the glare.
Our floodlights float a misty scrim
that dulls the ancient sky,
and when the power died tonight
I thought I heard a sigh.

i can't remember the name of the form or even if it has a name but the meter almost perfect: as Leanne pointed out L2 S2, is in need of a syl
i thought the last two lines were fantastical. the sigh is audible. it has a touch of something magical, and reads really well.

thanks patrick

[John Holland]

Wonderful poem Patrick. You know I'm "different"... so I'm going to say something diferent. Leanne and Billy are correct about the syllable count... but... sometimes a small error strengthens a poem. Poetry doesn't have to be chamber music. It can be jazz. I like to add a "jar" or two... keeps the critics on their toes.

[Patrick Traveler]

[quote='Todd' pid='79044' dateline='1316923463']
Hi Patrick,

This sort of reminds me of Simic's The White Room, in the sort of looming presence of the trees and the hint of madness. I'm hesitant to suggest any cuts because I like the sonics so much. One I kept considering was L1 "in company" but I liked how it sounded with certainly and I didn't like the triple end rhyme the change would leave in it's wake. I absolutely love L3-4 and your final four lines. Our floodlights float a misty scrim that dulls the ancient sky is so good.

No nits from me. I really enjoyed this piece.

Best,

Todd

Thank you, Todd. The "in company" bothered me too--a bit eccentric, ain't it? I'll think about that one.
Patrick

[billy]

Wonderful poem Patrick. You know I'm "different"... so I'm going to say something diferent. Leanne and Billy are correct about the syllable count... but... sometimes a small error strengthens a poem. Poetry doesn't have to be chamber music. It can be jazz. I like to add a "jar" or two... keeps the critics on their toes.

no it doesn't unlike a planned or premeditated error, which is usually spotted, an error is usually just that, an error. take you spelling of different for instance, while i'm not a grammar nazi, the error doesn't enhance the sentence, to do that you would have had to type something like, "Diff 'o' rant"
while an error may add something it isn't something that should be encouraged. that you think meter akin to chamber music is another misconception
and if you write to keep us on our toes you're losing the reason for poetry. critics are much more likely to pass over poets who add jars to test them
my advice to anyone who feels they should post in mild critique is to learn as much of the poetry craft as you can before breaking it.
we have three maybe four people here capable of that. i'm not one of them and neither is anyone else here. we have to help other poets, not nudge em to jar the critics. and again, don't take offence, this is honest feedback without any malice. ><

[heslopian]

This is an excellent poem. A unique concept explored with elegance and focus. The way you personify the trees is subtle. They're neither benign or especially malevolent, but like neglected creatures haughtily opposed to how they're at once used and ignored. Like a woman whose grandchild expects his five pounds every birthday but never wants to be with her.
Thanks for the read, Traveler