The Middle

[V. Dorn]

I was trying a slightly different style with this one, so any feedback in this little foray would be welcome!
--------------------------
This is the middle, they say,
where the West meets the East.
A simple hill, parched
and swelled in sepia
golden and browns
under a tardy summer’s
violent scorch,
crumbling trees,
and all the grass’s green bled out.
One would think,
indeed, upon the divide:
that there was nothing much to see.

But beyond, all shimmering,
and glistening in
miniature
towering hives protrude,
mirroring shards of the Indian sun.
The gun-metal citadel,
whose chrome and glass lines
have softened in the desert
haze, so thick
it’s slurping.

Below on the straw,
the sweltering mass are itching.
A swathe awash, in juices
squeezed, and sluiced,
and flowing
in their own decadence.
A city erupted, burst forth
to pool and moulder
In this strangers heat
where the West
meets the East.

So come join them,
revel, and drink in the middle of time
where they say the tick of the clock
met its tock.

But be sure to bring your camera.
----------------------------------------------
(In reference to Greenwich park I suppose)

[Leanne]

Well, I'd have to say it's a pretty effective style and your images are very clear -- some brilliant phrases here, like "swelled in sepia" (though I don't think you need "golden and browns" after it, the image is complete without that line), "so thick it's slurping", "flowing in their own decadence". Occasionally you have a word or two too many; there's the line I mentioned, as well as "shimmering and glistening" (pick one or the other, they're too similar in meaning to bother with both). I also don't think you need "but" in the last line.

I only have very small suggestions, as you can see -- I think it's a fine poem.

[abu nuwas]

First, 'shimmering' and 'glistening'. If this is indeed a snap, as it were, from Greenwich Observatory, then one does see much of the City and elsewhere shimmering, like a mirage. That is almost the opposite of 'glistening;, which, however, one also sees, in the steel and glass towers and cathedrals to money and capitalism. Shimmering here, glistening there, with all that shiny stuff.

After 'bled out' could you not just have on the next line,'nothing much to see'?

I always like a semi-conversational style -- thanks for that!

[billy]

it read quite well but i think you could take out a bit of the clutter, leanne mentioned golden and browns. and glistening.
with the shimmering i thought of a mirage. i'd add "it's slurping"
moulder means to decay or break down, did you mean smolder? i'm not sure the last 4 lines do anything for poem. Of course yo can remove some of thesmall words but i think my allotted feedback in the novice forum is used up.

all in all some good images, with an edit the poem could improve a lot.

don't forget to leave a bit of feedback on someone elses poetry please it's how we survive.
thanks for the read.

[addy]

I think the imagery is indeed very beautiful... the narration is enchanting. It tells a story and paints a picture very, very well.

I thought the penultimate stanza and onward ("So come join them..." etc) was slightly jarring, only because up til that point I didn't know the reader was supposed to be an audience it that sense so the call to action took me by surprise and seemed to shift the gears of the poem entirely, so late in the game. That might be just my impression though.

[Ca ne fait rien]

I liked this; the richness of the images and the contrasts between the gunmetal shininess and the golden shininess, the warmth and softness, and the cold hardness. The meridian actually passes about a mile and a half from where I recently came to live. I am marginally to the East of it, so I can apprecaite the weird sort of mystique of standing on it. I think you have captured it in a unique way here.

[Wildcard]

Hi,
   I think this is a well-written poem. The imagery is crisp and carries quite an impact. That being said, I thought there was a little too much repetition. The title might need to change to avoid rep. 'middle' and 'the west' and 'the east' meet one too many times IMO.

This is the middle, they say,
where the West meets the East. --I would cut this line entirely and save it for the end
A simple hill, parched
and swelled in sepia
golden and browns
under a tardy summer’s
violent scorch,
crumbling trees,
and all the grass’s green bled out.
One would think,
indeed, upon the divide:
that there was nothing much to see.

But beyond, all shimmering,
and glistening in
miniature
towering hives protrude,
mirroring shards of the Indian sun.
The gun-metal citadel,
whose chrome and glass lines
have softened in the desert
haze, so thick
it’s slurping.

Below on the straw,
the sweltering mass are itching.
A swathe awash, in juices
squeezed, and sluiced,
and flowing
in their own decadence.
A city erupted, burst forth
to pool and moulder
In this strangers heat
where the West
meets the East. --to me, the poem should end here. I has a nice feel to it when I read it this way.

So come join them,
revel, and drink in the middle of time
where they say the tick of the clock
met its tock.

But be sure to bring your camera.
----------------------------------------------
(In reference to Greenwich park I suppose)

These are of course just my opinions. I might add that I am not an extremely skilled poet by any stretch of the imagination, just trying to help.

Thanks for sharing.

[V. Dorn]

Thanks for all the constructive feedback, I totally forgot I had posted!
Having taken into consideration what's been mentioned and my own personal feelings, here is the post-edit version of 'The Middle'

This is the middle, they say,
a simple hill, parched
and swelled in sepia
golden and browns
under a tardy summer’s
violent scorch,
crumbling trees,
and all the grass’s green bled out.
One would think
that there was nothing
much to see.

But beyond, all shimmering,
and glistening in
miniature,
towering hives protrude,
mirroring shards of the Indian sun.
The gun-metal citadel
chrome and glass lines
have softened in the desert
haze, so thick
it’s slurping.

On the straw,
the sweltering mass are itching,
a swathe awash, in juices
squeezed, and sluiced,
and flowing
in their own decadence.
A city erupted, burst forth
to pool and moulder
in this stranger’s heat
where the West
meets the East.

*Could happily end it here*

(So come join them,
revel, and drink in the middle of time
where they say the tick of the clock
met its tock).

Be sure to bring your camera.

----I happen to quite like the last bit, so I decided to keep it, but crowbarred in as almost a follow-up or a...footnote? Or something.

Moulder is the word I was, indeed, intending to use; decomposure organic rotting, as I imagined people do, in the poem, under hot sunny days. I feel that glistening and shimmering are compatible words, as shimmering is something hard and reflective, whereas glistening is a little more 'wet' or 'sweaty', with a sheen- but maybe my definitions here are a little screwy and contrived.-----

---

I should really try and provide feedback for others poetry, but to be completely honest, I really can't say I know the first bloody thing about what makes a good poem. I haven't the most confidence about my own writing, let alone someone else's! I would rather not provide any criticism than potentially useless, destructive criticism - disregarding the notion that poems are inherently subjective watchamacallems

I guess I could give it a shot...

[Leanne]

Welcome back! I quite like your edit, but I tend to think you should keep the last bit as part of the main body of the poem -- given it's about Greenwich, I really enjoy the playfulness of "the tick of the clock met its tock", and it sounds fantastic when read aloud as well. I am less keen on the camera line and think that's probably overkill.

On feedback, I've just read your comment on another poem and would have to say, that's pretty much right on the money for this forum. Negatives can and should be pointed out if you find them, even if it's only your opinion, because as you've discovered, nobody's forcing people to take their advice

[addy]

You could definitely save the last bit V. Dorn ... in the end its your poem, and we are only here to give guidance you may find helpful overall (but are not obligated to follow to a T). When as the author you decide to follow your gut, there's no real point in being half-hearted about it.

[billy]

i agree with the those two.

about the feedback; yes! give it a shot please. just say what you feel without being cruel, as in;
your poem sucks donkey balls, etc. if something doesn't seem right for you, say so. if we can't take it that something doesn't work for us, we should be in a back patting group. so yes, please give it a shot, we'll like you all the more for it

would you consider losing the very last line? (just a thought)
the *could end here* really doesn't work, either cut or leave the last part of the poem, but get rid of that line
the lines you removed do make a difference for the better. (jmo)

i will say it's better suited to one of the other forums.

[abu nuwas]

I think the gardening you have undertaken is effective, particularly following Ava's suggestion of dropping the East/West line to the end.

I note the compromise you have come to with yourself about those final lines: it's yours, and if you want to be an Eskimo, it's your right. Have your kayak and eat it too!