Posts: 168
Threads: 25
Joined: Aug 2011
As you can see, this is a very personal poem....so please "tread softly because you tread on my dreams"
Memories
The house is silent now
Not sadly silent, softly so.
But, if I sit and listen
I can hear
Bass boom from the attic room
Ben, again - House music's insistent beat
then
Michael Jackson's falsetto
"This is thriller, thriller night..."
The soft slide of John's moonwalking feet.
In Kirstie's room, a baby cries
"Go to sleep my baby
Close your pretty eyes"
Then the slamming of doors
as Laura storms
Upstairs to her room (again)
And there, just faintly
the quiet pad of a small cat's paws.
As each echo grows
Then softly fades and goes
I smile to myself
Though the house is silent now.
Posts: 259
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2011
(09-17-2011, 08:13 PM)grannyjill Wrote: As you can see, this is a very personal poem....so please "tread softly because you tread on my dreams"
Memories
The house is silent now could you combine the first two lines, something akin to 'The house is softly silent now'?
Not sadly silent, softly so.
But, if I sit and listen Is 'but' necessary?
I can hear
Bass boom from the attic room Do you need the upper case 'B' on bass?
Ben, again - House music's insistent beat
then
Michael Jackson's falsetto
"This is thriller, thriller night..."
The soft slide of John's moonwalking feet.
In Kirstie's room, a baby cries
"Go to sleep my baby
Close your pretty eyes"
Then the slamming of doors
as Laura storms
Upstairs to her room (again)
And there, just faintly
the quiet pad of a small cat's paws.
As each echo grows
Then softly fades and goes Is 'goes' necessary?
I smile to myself
Though the house is silent now.
I love the gentle familiarity and the glimpses you give us of your kids. It's a beautiful, home spun piece.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 168
Threads: 25
Joined: Aug 2011
Phew, Aish, I was scared to see what you were going to say! But, you have been very gentle with me. The only comment I can argue with is.....I like rhyme, you see, so if one presents itself to me I usually take it. Hence - grows and goes.
I don't think I can write esoteric, deep poetry despite my best efforts. This type of poetry is where I feel most comfortable (altho' I realise it is totally out of fashion to-day)
Thank you for your efforts, and positive response.
grannyjill
Posts: 259
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2011
Am I really that scary? Or you were just nervous since it is an openly personal poem?
I rather enjoyed it.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 168
Threads: 25
Joined: Aug 2011
I wasn't scared of what YOU would say....as I don't know you. No I was scared that who ever responded would pour scorn on my efforts. The site I've come from contained some really nasty trolls and they have knocked my confidence.
Posts: 259
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2011
I can certainly understand that.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(09-17-2011, 08:13 PM)grannyjill Wrote: As you can see, this is a very personal poem....so please "tread softly because you tread on my dreams"
Memories
The house is silent now
Not sadly silent, softly so.
But, if I sit and listen
I can hear
Bass boom from the attic room
Ben, again - House music's insistent beat
then
Michael Jackson's falsetto
"This is thriller, thriller night..."
The soft slide of John's moonwalking feet.
In Kirstie's room, a baby cries
"Go to sleep my baby
Close your pretty eyes"
Then the slamming of doors
as Laura storms
Upstairs to her room (again)
And there, just faintly
the quiet pad of a small cat's paws.
As each echo grows
Then softly fades and goes
I smile to myself
Though the house is silent now. Hi jill
it has a feel of home to it (though an empty one now) it doesn't sound as sad as it reads because it feels like the memories are good one. (plus it says so in the 2nd line) it reads well and though you say it's personal it has a universal feel. i really like the read. can it be improved, of course it can, but then it would stop being personal 
try to make every word count, use image instead of telling us, show us with words.
thanks for memories
Posts: 97
Threads: 13
Joined: Sep 2011
(09-17-2011, 08:13 PM)grannyjill Wrote: As you can see, this is a very personal poem....so please "tread softly because you tread on my dreams"
Memories
The house is silent now
Not sadly silent, softly so.
But, if I sit and listen
I can hear
Bass boom from the attic room
Ben, again - House music's insistent beat
then
Michael Jackson's falsetto
"This is thriller, thriller night..."
The soft slide of John's moonwalking feet.
In Kirstie's room, a baby cries
"Go to sleep my baby
Close your pretty eyes"
Then the slamming of doors
as Laura storms
Upstairs to her room (again)
And there, just faintly
the quiet pad of a small cat's paws.
As each echo grows
Then softly fades and goes
I smile to myself
Though the house is silent now.
Funny. yesterday, before I came to this site and before I read your poem, I had a similar experience in my old house, which I still own but no longer live in. I went from room to room, remembering 25 years of family growing up, good things bad things, just ordinary things. It is a weird thing how you become part of places and they become part of you, so that there are times when a memory of something you had completely forgotten about is sparked up. I like the way you build up the noise and then let it down through the cat's paws to the silence, how you separate each sound, when originally it was probably one big cacophony.
If was to make a suggestion, I might say, what about starting with
'In the soft silence of the house,,...
to take us in there with you right from the beginning?
I appreciate you are echoing first and last lines, but I think that the rest is strong enough to make the reader hear the echoes. Also 'soft ; implies that it is not sad, wistful perhaps, but no detriment to keep line 2.
Posts: 168
Threads: 25
Joined: Aug 2011
Thank you Ca - as you are the second person to find the opening lines lacking in some-way, I will certainly do a rewrite of them. It won't affect the nature of the poem, or its structure - so, I will have no problem with this.
This poem came to me almost completely whole, with only the need for minor adjustment...and it is one of my favourites.
I find it interesting that what one person says you should change "grows and goes" was actually one of my favorite lines. I hope you decide to leave it. I enjoyed the rhyme.
I personally enjoy a bit more vivid imagery. I like to take advantage of words like "pretty" eyes.. why are they pretty? Are they green? Are they heavy with thick black lashes? But, hey, that's just me and I really couldn't find anything else to criticize haha
I picture the ghosts of these people. Not that they aren't still living! Just perhaps I'm sitting in my recliner downstarirs.. and whisps of memories are comfortingly floating through my mind. Thank you for sharing.
|
