boyfriends drudgery and piss

[heslopian]

"you can leave any time you know that"

i know

but i am lazy as Pinocchio
slouching by the busy road

i'd rather rot in this prison of air

my laughter and rage the wardens

than risk the traffic of life
boyfriends drudgery and piss

getting checked for AIDs each year
like it's a fucking birthday (i wonder if the doctors give out lollipops)

watching my family
swell like a grape with new life

an army of nieces and nephews
to hate me like all children do

death is no comfort

but if anyone dares to enrgave on my tomb
"HE DIED THE WAY HE LIVED"
i'll haunt them into suicide

[billy]

"you can leave any time you know that"

i know

but i am lazy as Pinocchio is 'but needed'
slouching by the busy road

i'd rather rot in this prison of air

my laughter and rage the wardens

than risk the traffic of life
boyfriends drudgery and piss

getting checked for AIDs each year
like it's a fucking birthday (i wonder if the doctors give out lollipops) for me the part in brackets lessen the impact of the line. i think this line is extremely powerful and poignant

watching my family
swell like a grape with new life

an army of nieces and nephews
to hate me like all children do

death is no comfort

but if anyone dares to enrgave on my tomb
"HE DIED THE WAY HE LIVED"
i'll haunt them into suicide

i like the layout of the piece jack. and the way it cuts out the need for quote marks. the white space in this, work pretty well for me.
the title could be a little more obscure but other than that and the point about the stuff in the ( )'s i really enjoyed the read.

[heslopian]

Thanks for your kind words and feedback Bilbo
Because I can't format the piece the original layout isn't quite as it appears here. This is how it's supposed to look: http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/p...read/1196/
Would it help if I separated the lollipop line from the AIDs couplet, like this:

"getting checked for AIDs each year
like it's a fucking birthday

(i wonder if the doctors give out lollipops)"

Thanks again for reading.

[billy]

"you can leave any time you know that"

i know

but i am lazy as Pinocchio
slouching by the busy road

i'd rather rot in this prison of air

      my laughter and rage the wardens

than risk the traffic of life
boyfriends drudgery and piss

getting checked for AIDs each year
like it's a fucking birthday       (i wonder if the doctors give out lollipops)

watching my family
swell like a grape with new life

an army of nieces and nephews
to hate me like all children do

death is no comfort

but if anyone dares to enrgave on my tomb
      "HE DIED THE WAY HE LIVED"
i'll haunt them into suicide

fixd/admin it's handy to keep 6 0r 6[sp]in notepad so you can just copy and paste them              where you want a space,                     . (make sure to leave a space before athe first one and after the                     last

if you keep it i prefer the original. see what a few other say

[heslopian]

Thanks Bilbo

[Wildcard]

"you can leave any time you know that" this is a nice opener. like the opening line of a short story, it draws me in. Should there be puncutation (a '.' or ',') after 'time'?

i know

but i am lazy as Pinocchio
slouching by the busy road

i'd rather rot in this prison of air

my laughter and rage the wardens i got lost on this line. it doesn't seem right, but it could just be me not understanding

than risk the traffic of life
boyfriends drudgery and piss love how brutally honest this line is

getting checked for AIDs each year
like it's a fucking birthday (i wonder if the doctors give out lollipops) great p.s. kind of thought

watching my family
swell like a grape with new life

an army of nieces and nephews
to hate me like all children do

death is no comfort

but if anyone dares to enrgave on my tomb
"HE DIED THE WAY HE LIVED"
i'll haunt them into suicide solid close. really got me thinking

   I can't say I completely understand this, but I am interested in it for sure. I got the gist of it, I think aits a really resigned fate that comes off the screen at me. Thanks for posting this. I will come back and have a look later in my journey and see what comes to mind then.

[heslopian]

You're right about the punctuation. The first sentence should have a full stop, but because I don't use any other indications to pause throughout the piece I didn't include one.
Thanks for your feedback and kind words, AA

[Wildcard]

I'm curious as to what is added to this by the deliberate lack of punctuation. I'm not very far along in understanding the choices a poet makes about these things. If it's not too much of a hassle, could you give me your reasoning?

[heslopian]

To me a poem should be all or nothing when it comes to punctuation. A lone mark looks sloppy and inconsistent. The point of full stops and commas is to indicate pauses, establishing rhythm, but some poems just use line breaks for this. The American poet ee cummings (he wrote his name like that, without capitals), for instance, eschewed punctuation altogether, like in this famous piece:

the boys i mean are not refined

the boys i mean are not refined
they go with girls who buck and bite
they do not give a fuck for luck
they hump them thirteen times a night

one hangs a hat upon her tit
one carves a cross on her behind
they do not give a shit for wit
the boys i mean are not refined

they come with girls who bite and buck
who cannot read and cannot write
who laugh like they would fall apart
and masturbate with dynamite

the boys i mean are not refined
they cannot chat of that and this
they do not give a fart for art
they kill like you would take a piss

they speak whatever's on their mind
they do whatever's in their pants
the boys i mean are not refined
they shake the mountains when they dance

[Wildcard]

I appreciate your quick response.
You make me google more than any other poster here, Jack. I'm not complaining. I'll just have to add 'ee cummings' to my reading list. It has grown very long recently you certainly always give me lots to think about.

[LaGitana]

Jack, I prefer the format from the link you included and love the overall "fuck you" attitude of the piece itself. It's stark and brutal to the point of being like an open oozing sore on the gaping thigh of society's street corner's hand me downs. The vacant eyes still trying to defy gravity while years hang like a noose around their scrawny grimy necks. Still, there is that chip, worn in the front tooth, like a boulder on their shoulder, just daring you to knock it off.....

You've captured it here. I've seen it on the mean street corners of Chicago.....

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words, La