Awakening

[peter6]

I was the youngest of the players,
content to give others the stage.
But in the waning days of summer,
the afternoon sun
painting long shadows
on the bustling playground,
there came a moment
when I reached for the ball,
stopped, gathered,
and rose like some god
above the asphalt
glittering with diamonds of broken glass,
high above the outstretched hand
of my defender,
the thunderous traffic,
the cloud of my father’s anger,
and the chaos that was my life.
Like a dark fish
single-mindedly tracking
a dragonfly scuttling low
over a silent pond,
breaking the surface,
finding itself exposed,
to a world of brilliant colors
exploding in the sun;
my body playing out some inner wisdom,
knowing it was my time;
alone with the bent metal rim;
its infinite circle beckoning,
offering a brief moment of clarity,
the world below stone silent,
the shot found its home,
the chain net jangled to life.

Revision 4 -


Here is the Original Version

Awakening

That summer,
I awoke early each day,
ran to the asphalt courts,
with my leather basketball,
and stayed there till dark.

We played one on one,
and two on two,
until late in the day
when the real players,
the ones who’d traded their chances
to play college ball in tiny upstate towns,
and far away junior colleges,
arrived in pimped out cars,
speakers blaring,
deep bass picking up the beat
of games already underway.

I was the youngest,
content to give them the stage;
but in the waning days of the long summer,
as the scorching sun dropped
in the afternoon sky,
there came a moment
when I stopped, gathered,
and rose like some god,
high above the outstretched hand
of my defender,
above the asphalt
glittering with diamonds of broken glass,
and the lost dreams of the others,
and the shouts coming from
the surrounding courts,
and the sounds of traffic,
and the cloud of my father’s anger,
and the chaos that was my life;
like a dark fish
single mindedly tracking
a dragonfly scuttling low
over a silent pond,
breaking from the water,
surprised to find itself exposed,
in a new world
brilliant colors exploding in sun,
my body playing out some inner wisdom,
knowing it was my time;
and there I was,
above it all,
alone with the bent metal rim;
a brief moment of clarity,
the world below, distant.

I released the worn ball,
and dropped back to earth,
surprised at what I had done.

The chain net jangled as the shot found its way home,
and the sweaty, shirtless,
black kid covering me,
turned away, and cursed under his breath.

[Todd]

Hi Peter,

I love basketball. I found the narrative engaging. I normally would go through the lines but I think I mostly have one suggestion. For the most part I felt this might work better as a prose poem set in paragraphs. It moves between prosey poem and prose with poetic elements. I'm leaning toward prosey poem. The dark fish/dragonfly sequence, the body playing out inner wisdom, and the asphalt glittering with diamonds of broken glass are excellent poetic images. I may come back to readdress them later, but for now my suggestion is to experiment with the structure perhaps abandoning the stanzas and line breaks.

Best,

Todd

[peter6]

Todd,
Thanks for reading and commenting. I tried trimming it a bit.
pete

[Todd]

Hi Peter,

So, let's consider your pared down edit. Here are some suggestions (mostly just options and opinions to pare it even further):

I was the youngest of the players,
shy, and content to give others the stage;--don't think you need "shy, and"
but in the waning days of a long summer,--you could cut "a" if you wanted
as the scorching sun dropped
in the afternoon sky,
there came a moment maybe the moment rather than a
when I stopped, gathered,
and rose like some god,--maybe add something like "forgotten" before god
high above the outstretched hand--I would maybe move "high above up a line so that you can have the next three lines hold a similar rhythm
of my defender,
above the asphalt
glittering with diamonds of broken glass,
and the lost dreams of the others,--maybe blend this line with the next one with a slight parallel edit: "broken dreams, the sounds of traffic,"
and the sounds of traffic,
and the cloud of my father’s anger,
and the chaos that was my life;--maybe "in this chaos that was my life"
like a dark fish[b]--really love this
singlemindedly tracking
a dragonfly scuttling low--great image, love scuttling
over a silent pond,
breaking from the water,
surprised to find itself exposed,--I don't think you need surprised. It's a little telling and "its brilliant colors" later sort of show the same idea
to a new world,
its brilliant colors exploding in the sun,--maybe of instead of its
my body playing out some inner wisdom,--great line
knowing it was my time;
and there I was,
above it all,--I don't think you need this or the previous line
alone with the bent metal rim;--love this

Here's where I think you can diverge. I would consider pulling up moments in the following two stanzas and place them under the bent metal rim. Something like maybe (purely optional opinion again) My alterations follow:

alone with the bent metal rim,
the worn ball,
the jangle of the chain net,
as the shot found its way home,
and the sweaty, shirtless,
black kid covering me,
turned away cursing under his breath.

Then maybe reinsert these final two lines.

a brief moment of clarity,
the world below, distant.

Okay so I know I suggested some strong alterations, but I do like the piece, and they are again only meant to be suggestions to consider. Use what you like, ignore the rest.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

hi peter,
after a few reads, it get struck by the wasted words. words that don;y add, anything and in some cases detract from making it a more powerful read. i'be made the words i think could be done away with in the body of the poem bold. another thing i noticed was the length of text without periods. where i thin a period would help in allowing the reader to gain his marbles i put a [.] next to your comma

I was the youngest of the players,
shy, and content to give others the stage; [.]
but in the waning days of a long summer,
as the scorching sun dropped
in the afternoon sky,
there came a moment
when I stopped, gathered,
and rose like some god,[.]
high above the outstretched hand
of my defender,
above the asphalt
glittering with diamonds of broken glass,
and the lost dreams of the others,
and the sounds of traffic,
and the cloud of my father’s anger,
and the chaos that was my life;[.]
like a dark fish
singlemindedly tracking
a dragonfly scuttling low
over a silent pond,
breaking from the water,
surprised to find itself exposed,
to a new world,[.]
its brilliant colors exploding in the sun,
my body playing out some inner wisdom,[.]
knowing it was my time;
and there I was,
above it all,
alone with the bent metal rim;
a brief moment of clarity,
the world below, distant.

I released the worn ball,
and dropped back to earth,
surprised at what I had done.

The chain net jangled
as the shot found its way home,[.]
and the sweaty, shirtless,
black kid covering me,
turned away cursing under his breath.

(revision 1 - having pared down the original)

sorry i got here after the revision
at this moment i'm just concentrating on tightness and a little bit of grammar, which isn't a forte of mine for you to consider.

i really like the pride of the poem, the tallness of it grows with each read, the achievement in it is palpable. there's definitely a good poem in there, thanks for the read

[addy]

I second the gentlemen's suggestions, the poem could benefit from some pruning. But otherwise I think this is stunning... though i've never been good at sports I think this captures a universal feeling, that special feeling of pride, strength, clarity, and purity. It is a baptism in its own right

I was the youngest of the players,
shy, and content to give others the stage;
but in the waning days of a long summer,
as the scorching sun dropped
in the afternoon sky,
there came a moment
when I stopped, gathered,
and rose like some god,
high above the outstretched hand
of my defender,
above the asphalt
glittering with diamonds of broken glass,
and the lost dreams of the others, remove all these succeeding "and's", I think
and the sounds of traffic,
and the cloud of my father’s anger, I love that you included this line... it elevates the feeling of freedom to something deeper
and the chaos that was my life;
like a dark fish
singlemindedly tracking
a dragonfly scuttling low
over a silent pond,
breaking from the water,
surprised to find itself exposed,
to a new world,
its brilliant colors exploding in the sun,
my body playing out some inner wisdom, great line
knowing it was my time;
and there I was,
above it all, I don't think these last few lines say much of anything. From what I see they only act as a placeholder to imply the sensation pause... maybe lines about "suspension", or anything expressing that sentiment (being "out-of-time", yet at the realized pinnacle of it). Just a thought.
alone with the bent metal rim; I don't know if it's just me being crazy, but it made me think of a moment of nirvana, with the metal rim as a lotus or something. Either way it's cool
a brief moment of clarity,
the world below, distant. Don't think these last two lines are strictly necessary...they reiterate what has already been so beautifully expressed before

I released the worn ball,
and dropped back to earth,
surprised at what I had done.

The chain net jangled
as the shot found its way home,
and the sweaty, shirtless,
black kid covering me,
turned away cursing under his breath. Don't think this is the strongest ending for the piece... it's too far removed from the narrator: focusing on the black kid rather puzzlingly gives weight to another player when in fact our interest should lie with the narrator and his profound experience. Add something else to refocus the POV, perhaps?

(revision 1 - having pared down the original)

Thanks for sharing this

[peter6]

Todd, Billy, Addy,
Thank you for the many great suggestions. I have incorporated some of them in my latest revision. I'm not sure the new ending works and would be interested in additional feedback. I think the poem is getting tighter in many spots. I hope I didn't overdo the revisions.
pete

[Todd]

Peter,

The poem seems tighter. Each time I read the new revision things pop out to me. I like how this is developing. Here are some comments for you:

I was the youngest of the players,
content to give others the stage.
But in the waning days of summer,
as the scorching sun--don't know if you need the as here
painted long shadows
on the restless playground,
there came a moment
when I reached for the ball,
stopped, gathered,
and rose like some god
high above the outstretched hand
of my defender,
above the asphalt
glittering with diamonds of broken glass,--I'm reading this and thinking maybe moving some lines around may help. Perhaps move above the asphalt and this line below the god line.
the breathless dreams of the others,--maybe simply their breathless dreams
the thunderous traffic,
the cloud of my father’s anger,
and the chaos that was my life.--I think you could cut this line. It's more of a generalized statement than some of the images you are using. It falls a little flat in comparison
Like a dark fish
singlemindedly tracking
a dragonfly scuttling low
over a silent pond,
breaking the surface,
finding itself exposed,
to a new world of brilliant colors
exploding in the sun;
my body playing out some inner wisdom,
knowing it was my time;
alone with the bent metal rim;
its infinite circle beckoning,--I like this though an interesting twist to it might be: "its beckoning circle infinite"
offering a brief moment of clarity,
the world below stone silent.

The shot found its way home;--I wonder if you even need this line it's mostly informational. You could probably just go with the chain net ending on heart unbound implies that the shot went in
The chain net jangled,
I dropped back to earth,
heart unbound.

Revision 2-

I found this a good, effective rewrite. Its good to see the work you're putting in.

I hope these comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Wildcard]

Hi Peter,
I like what you are doing here. I like the perspective and the movie I'm watching in my head while I read. I have a few suggestions and most of them are about the content and not really the form.

I was the youngest of the players,
content to give others the stage.
But in the waning days of summer,
as the scorching sun (the scorching sun doesn't paint long shadows, long shadows are painted by the setting and rising sun which is a cooler part of the day)
painted long shadows
on the restless playground, (by restless do you mean, busy?)
there came a moment
when I reached for the ball,
stopped, gathered,
and rose like some god
high above the outstretched hand
of my defender,
above the asphalt
glittering with diamonds of broken glass, (nice line. You made me see it)
the breathless dreams of the others, (is this worded right? and do the next three lines all need to start with 'the'?)
the thunderous traffic,
the cloud of my father’s anger,
and the chaos that was my life.
Like a dark fish (the next three lines are nice and took me completely by surprise. I like surprise.)
singlemindedly tracking
a dragonfly scuttling low
over a silent pond,
breaking the surface,
finding itself exposed,
to a new world of brilliant colors
exploding in the sun; (still on a great track, no crit at all)
my body playing out some inner wisdom, (good line, playing it down by handing the glory to the subconcious or instinct)
knowing it was my time;
alone with the bent metal rim;
its infinite circle beckoning,
offering a brief moment of clarity,
the world below stone silent.

The shot found its way home;
The chain net jangled,
I dropped back to earth,
heart unbound.
Revision 2-

'Heart unbound' I don't know about, though. Can't quite figure out the right words, but it just feels a little mainstream for this underdog story.
Overall I really like your work. Keep posting, sir.

[peter6]

AvariciousApathist, Todd, Billy, Addy,
All I can say is thank you for taking the time to provide feedback for this piece. I know what a commitment it is to comment on the poetry of others. Your input has been invaluable. I think the latest revision puts the piece on its way to being presentable. Any input on the new ending on any other aspect is welcomed.
Gratitude,
pete

[grannyjill]

May I make one small suggestion? Leave out the 'sun' line altogether

But as the waning days of summer
painted long shadows
on the bustling playground,
there came a moment
when I reached for the ball,...........

bye, grannyjill

[Todd]

Hi Peter,

I like Jill's suggestion a lot. You mention the sun later (exploding even) and that is a good expressive line. You really don't seem to need the afternoon son.

I think you've tightened the poem up and it's coming along well. My only concern with the ending and this may be just me is that it seems too pat. I don't mean this in a bad way but it's a little too movie-of-the-week. You have the cloud of your father's anger and while this event gave a freedom or an epiphany moment its probably going too far from the stated text to say that the life became a dream (which is also done a little much). If I can try rearranging your lines again and take some liberties with them, maybe I can suggest an alternative ending from your own words.

Let's take up the poem from this point for context. How about something like this leaving the speaker with infinite possibilities open to them?

my body playing out some inner wisdom,
knowing it was my time;
offering a brief moment of clarity,
the world below stone silent.

I dropped back to earth,
as the chain net jangled,
alone with the bent metal rim;
its infinite circle beckoning.

Whatever you choose to do, it's been fun working through the revisions with you. It's a good poem.

Best,

Todd

[peter6]

To All,
Many thanks. This is exactly the type of collaboration and feedback I was hoping for when I joined the forum. I hope I can be as much help to other writers as each of you has been to me.
pete

[heslopian]

I had to read this twice before I understood exactly what was going on. At first I assumed in my British way that you were talking about soccer. I was also helped by glimpsing Todd's comment first comment just below. I think mentioning the sport would help clarify the narrative tenfold. That aside, this is an awesome piece of work.

I was the youngest of the players,
content to give others the stage.
But in the waning days of summer,
the afternoon sun
painting long shadows
on the bustling playground, Nice image. I especially like "painting". Shows imagination when you could easily have gone with "casting".
there came a moment
when I reached for the ball,
stopped, gathered, Would "prepared" make more sense than "gathered" here, as the narrator's just about to jump?
and rose like some god
above the asphalt
glittering with diamonds of broken glass, Excellent simile. "Some god", instead of just "God" makes it more powerful I think.
high above the outstretched hand
of my defender,
the thunderous traffic,
the cloud of my father’s anger,
and the chaos that was my life.
Like a dark fish
single-mindedly tracking
a dragonfly scuttling low
over a silent pond, Another awesome simile, my favourite excerpt from the whole poem.
breaking the surface,
finding itself exposed,
to a world of brilliant colors
exploding in the sun; Gorgeous.
my body playing out some inner wisdom,
knowing it was my time;
alone with the bent metal rim;
its infinite circle beckoning, Love "infinite circle".
offering a brief moment of clarity,
the world below stone silent.

I dropped back to earth,
as the chain net jangled,
waking me from the dream
that had become my life. I don't think this last verse is needed. Everything it says is implied in what comes before it, and the end would be much more striking, even suspenseful I feel, if it were gone. "The world below stone silent" seems like a greater last line. Just my opinion.

Revision 3-

Aside from the few nits mentioned above this is a highly accomplished poem. Thanks for the read, peter6.

[LaGitana]

I loved this piece. It is a miraculous image of moment caught up in time's chokehold. There is such brilliant imagery, all that everyone has pointed out, that just astounds the reader and still you drive home the intense emotions throughout. You have done a wonderful job taking us into your life and making us spectators if even, just for a moment.

I can see where Hesplopian would need some guidance on the sport as we are dealing with a bit of cultural divide... but to point it out too directly might spoil the picture you've painted. Not quite sure how you could tie it in and still keep the piece you've created.

The last stanza does seem a bit superfluous to the poem overall yet I do like what it says on it's own... That is the quandary that I fall to often. IMHO, the poem is punchier w/o it....

[peter6]

Heslopian,
Thank you for your comments. I have to sit with that last stanza awhile longer and see what arises. It is clearly not satisfying. I've gotten some great suggestions on what to do with it, including cutting it completely.
Gratitude,
pete

---

LaGitana,
Thanks for the feedback. You've done a great job capturing the essence of the piece and some of its challenges.
I've learned a lot going through the editing process. My thanks to you.
pete