Carnival, a haiku

[heslopian]

Rides and cotton candy stalls.
Field of dying summer grass.
Parents lose sight of chidren.

[billy]

i like it jack, though i'm not sure dying grass denotes a season. but it's good.

[heslopian]

It denotes the changing of seasons though, doesn't it? Or does the kigo have to reference a specific season?

[billy]

grass tends to grow all year round but slower, but if you said dry grass i suppose it could denote summer.
i think sometimes i go too far hehe.

[heslopian]

Nah it's fine. Attention to detail helps me write better haiku

[billy]

for a short poem, it can be effin hard to write at times.

[Leanne]

The change of seasons etc doesn't have to be obvious -- it's implied here just fine.

I really dislike enjambment in a 'ku though. I would like to see you get rid of "on" in the second line and have three simple, discrete statements. To me, the syllable count is the least important part of a 'ku (though if you were really determined, it wouldn't be hard to find an extra syllable for that line).

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback Leanne
How about this:

Rides and cotton candy stalls.
Field of dying grass.
Parents lose sight of chidren.

[Leanne]

Better

If you wanted to, you could probably go with

"field of dying summer grass"

[billy]

it works a lot better without the 'on' jack

[heslopian]

I love your additional adjective, Leanne. I'll make the change now.

[billy]

nicely worked jack

[LaGitana]

The original piece works the best, IMO. I also believe that keeping the syllable count true is important. Unless I am stepping into a private joke here. And there is no "on"... Just "of" and it should stay.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, La