The Story

[heslopian]

Revised

"I wish I was like you, easily amused
Find my nest of salt, everything is my fault." - Nirvana, All Apologies

Life is a short story
written by a poor student,

with swear words,
needless violence,
sex without joy
and endless cliches
claiming your parents,
your youth.

I started drinking tea again
this afternoon.

Milk. One sugar.
Then I made another cup
with milk and no sugar.

It reminded me
of being a child drinking tea
at my grandmother's house.

Her house was so warm
I wondered how the flowers
on the carpet didn't burn.

Even then
the familiar twists
were being prepped
by ballpoint pens
on cheap notepads.

Original

"I wish I was like you, easily amused
Find my nest of salt, everything is my fault." - Nirvana, All Apologies

Life is
a short story
written by a poor student.

Filled with swear words
needless violence
sex without joy
and endless cliches
claiming your parents
your youth.

I started drinking tea again
this afternoon.

Milk. One sugar.
Then I made another cup
with milk and no sugar.

It reminded me
of when I was a child
and would drink tea
at my grandmother's house.

Her house was so warm
I wondered how
the carpet flowers didn't burn.

Even then
the old plot twists
were being prepped
by ballpoint pens
on cheap notepads.

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

Let me give you some feedback on this. Hopefully, it will be helpful.

"I wish I was like you, easily amused
Find my nest of salt, everything is my fault." - Nirvana, All Apologies

Life is--I'm not sure what this break does for you, I would consider pulling up a short story. I don't think life is with a pause is a strong enough opening (imo). I do like that life is a short story not a novel.
a short story
written by a poor student.--this makes the first line fun

Filled with swear words--you could maybe cut the period above and just flow into these lines. I don't think you need filled.
needless violence
sex without joy--good line
and endless cliches
claiming your parents
your youth.--claiming your parents your youth feels a bit awkward to me. Maybe claiming your parents (ruined, destroyed, undermined, etc something) your youth.

I started drinking tea again
this afternoon.--this is such an odd non-sequitor but I like it. I think I like it because you have the started and again in there

Milk. One sugar.
Then I made another cup
with milk and no sugar.--Again not sure what this adds but I like the quirky conversational tone of it.

It reminded me
of when I was a child
and would drink tea
at my grandmother's house.--maybe: it reminded me of being a child drinking tea at my grandmother's house. Just seems like a little filler in there.

Her house was so warm
I wondered how
the carpet flowers didn't burn.--I like this. It might be more interesting though if you pulled up "the flowers" to the end of the above line than did a break and redid line three with something like: on the carpet didn't burn. It's a cool idea though what a child might think

Even then
the old plot twists--maybe familiar instead of old
were being prepped
by ballpoint pens
on cheap notepads.

I'd like the ending to hit a little harder but it's still satisfying so that could just be me. I like this Jack. Thanks.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback Todd I think I'll do a revised version with all your proposed changes.

[billy]

can i give my feedback on the revised version please?

[heslopian]

Yeah sure. I'll write up the revision later today.