Unspoken Words

[billy]

Unspoken Words 2nd revision. some minor changes based on Aish's feedback. and the removal of the last line

Mere words cannot convey a pea
or pod of what it is we share,
although I try, with verbal charm.
My speech is eloquent and yet;
the showing of this soul whose search
has found a place to rest in love
is more a thorn of sharpness borne
by stem enhancing bud and bloom.
With boulders in my mouth i try,
but can't express a verbal ounce
of ink, I'm not a poet fair.
To capture feelings with a fire!
A task I fear beyond my means.
I beg of you, cast eye to eye
and in the depth of our delight
see words not scribed or spoken--

---

Unspoken Words 1st revision.

Mere words cannot convey a pea
or pod of what it is we share,
although I try, with verbal charm.
My speech is eloquent and yet;
the showing of this soul whose search
has found a place to rest in love
is more-- A thorn of sharpness borne
by stem enhancing bud and bloom.
with boulders in my mouth i try,
but can't express a verbal ounce
of ink, I'm not a poet fair.
To capture feelings with a fire!
A task I fear beyond my means.
I beg of you, cast eye to eye
and in the depth of our delight
see words not scribed or spoken--
In their absence may thoughts be shown

---

Unspoken Words.

Words--
mere words cannot, I plainly see
explain to me what we both share
though I try, with verbal charm
my words to you, would not permit
the showing, of a soul whose search
has found a place to rest in love
a thorn of sharpness here to stay
sharpness that enhances life
how do I mention all the things
written by poets through the age
and capture feelings with a fire?
a task I fear beyond my means
I beg of you, cast eye to eye
and in the depth of soul’s delight
see words not scribed or spoken
just know their silent meaning

---

this is another early poem and a personal one but don't worry. just treat it as any other poem.

[abu nuwas]

I am the sort of bad critic who finds plenty to carp about, or cannot bring himself to say censorious-sounding things to someone I like. In my defence, I never have, and never will, use 'awesome' unless I see two moons circling the Earth, or just possibly, the merry Dancers (Northern/Southern Lights/ Aurora Borealis/Australis). With that brief caveat out of the way, and with an earnest wish to improve------

Perhaps these feelings do not arise with many people in our lives, but the hope that there will be understanding through the eyes, where otherwise, as brilliantly eloquent as we might normally be, language fails -- that is a universal thing, i hope. You say it is an old poem, and personal at that, so I doubt you will change a thing; I wouldn't. As an exercise, however, I would suggest that it could be tightened up, to make it more effective, and more impelling.

Are 'mere' words and 'plainly' see cliches? i think so, but even if not, they are prolix.

The third line is out of kilter with what goes before, and follows, which are iambic, and four feet. This one is half a foot short, and has turned into a trochee. Were you to change 'though' to 'although', it would jump back into line on both counts. For the same reasons, a change to 'a sharpness that..' would perform the same surgery. Then later, it would have to be something like :

'.........................................................................................................things
Which poets wrote throughout the Age'

Phew! I think I had better let some other bright soul finish off. I find 'I fear' a little trite-- but perhaps the emotion is so intense that fear really does enter. However, the remaining 'odd' line, the penultimate, could be fixed thus: 'see word unscribed I could not speak'

Of course you may have intended these changes in meter etc, and it is conceivable, just, that i am being crass!

[billy]

(the good thing here is it's also the novice feedback forum as well. not that this is feedback a novice would give.)

i will edit on what people say because that's the purpose of a poem that's posted here. specially on points that make sense
i looked up cliché on the flash cars, here on the right. and i think you're right. i'm not too knowing about meter
but i'll try and do some reading on the matter. thanks for helping me with the poem.

[addy]

I really like this... the idea behind it is so charming . One of the sweetest and most refreshing love poems I've read.

AN made some good suggestions... you can help keep your meter consistent by reading the poem out loud; then you can "hear" which parts don't match because phrasing is just as important as the number of syllables (ideally it should flow as easily and consistently as if you were reading "Mary had a little lamb ). But it's only minor spots... in terms of meter you've made a good crack at it. Also, just imo, I don't think you need "Words--" as your beginning line... your title is good enough to set up the idea and is a good support to the succeeding lines. But other than small things that can be improved, this is very much a success

[billy]

thanks for the help addy. i'm going to see if i can do something with the meter and with two cliche lines AN pointed out.
hopefully it will be done presently. (i've been working on it)

[billy]

the edit is done...i'm still having a little trouble with the last line though.

[Aish]

I think it's lovely, except for that final line.

---

Unspoken Words 1st revision.

Mere words cannot convey a pea
or pod of what it is we share,
although I try, with verbal charm.
My speech is eloquent and yet;
the showing of this soul whose search
has found a place to rest in love
is more-- A thorn of sharpness borne shouldn't 'A' be lowercase?
by stem enhancing bud and bloom.
with boulders in my mouth i try, 'with' should be capitalized.
but can't express a verbal ounce
of ink, I'm not a poet fair.
To capture feelings with a fire!
A task I fear beyond my means.
I beg of you, cast eye to eye
and in the depth of our delight
see words not scribed or spoken-- I keep reading this as 'see not words scribed or spoken'
In their absence may thoughts be shown I am not fond of this line. Perhaps something along the lines of 'in their absence whisper gentle actions?

---

Unspoken Words.

Words--
mere words cannot, I plainly see
explain to me what we both share
though I try, with verbal charm
my words to you, would not permit
the showing, of a soul whose search
has found a place to rest in love
a thorn of sharpness here to stay
sharpness that enhances life
how do I mention all the things
written by poets through the age
and capture feelings with a fire?
a task I fear beyond my means
I beg of you, cast eye to eye
and in the depth of soul’s delight
see words not scribed or spoken
just know their silent meaning

---

this is another early poem and a personal one but don't worry. just treat it as any other poem.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback Aish

[maddie4u]

no critique here...I really liked it...I understand it.

[billy]

thanks maddie, most of all thanks for the reason, (that's the most important part of feedback)