The Unknown Warrens

[heslopian]

"It is not to be thought that the life of darkness is sunk in misery and lost as if in sorrowing. There is no sorrowing. For sorrow is a thing that is swallowed up in death, and death and dying are the very life of the darkness." - Jacob Boehme

Life is all about movement.
The movement of the static soul
inside the ageing flesh.
From birth it grows like Henry VIII,
beginning as a handsome lad
with tender face and snowflake heart.
But then it strains against the skin,
a beef joint in a breakfast bowl.
So we eat, we drink, we smoke
transient balms to the eternal wounds. Until
the darkness of the soul's adieu
envelopes us like hot water.
There should be no sorrow in death,
the irrefutable knowledge;
scraped knees and the dawn
are one with dying, experiences
all shall have, sights impressed
upon the eye whether we want them or not.
But whereas knees can heal, be soothed,
and dawn comes every day,
death is a hole beneath a tree
which leads to warrens none can know
while moving near them constantly.




.

[Todd]

Yeah, that's really good. Jack, the stuff you've been writing recently has been excellent. I like that themes you're working with. Here are some comments for you:

Evocative title. Does what it should do, it makes me want to read the poem. I like the premise that life is movement. Instantly we think of living things moving, but the type of movement the poem seems to talking about is that of the eternal or at least pre-existent soul chaffing against a slowly-decaying body. I love the DES option of a young Henry (tender face and snowflake heart (wonderful). This heart is his touch of the ageless and it strains against the flesh. While there is a lot I like about a beff joint in Tupperware, I'm not sure about mixing a modern word in this image. It might be better if you kept it in period--unless you feel that you really want the dichotomy to make it pop more. My feeling is that the poem doesn't demand Tupperware and I would find something else to go with the
beefvjoint.

I think you can cut:

so intoxicants are sought,

And simply rework the lines like this:

So, we eat, we drink, we smoke
transient balms to the eternal wounds. Until
the darkness of the soul's adieu
envelopes us like hot water.

I love the imagae of us enveloped like hot water. You think it will be cold so hot is a real surprise. I also like that this conflict means that we look for transient balks. I take the eternal wounds to be dying itself.

There should be no sorrow in death,
the irrefutable knowledge;
scraped knees and the dawn
are one with dying, experiences
all shall have, sights impressed
upon the eye whether we want them or not.

Loved all those lines.

But whereas kneels can heal, be soothed,

Typo you Need to correct knees. Also, I think one or the other can heal or be smoothed I think the stutter there hurts the flow.

and whereas dawn comes every day,

I think you can cut this whereas.


death is a hole beneath a tree
which leads to warrens none can know
while moving near them constantly.

And these last three lines make the poem. They are fantastic. Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thank you for the kind words and feedback Todd.
Instead of tupperware, how about "like a beef joint in a breakfast bowl"?
I love the idea of eating, drinking and smoking the balms. It makes the balms seem more solid and real. I'll use your edit once I've finished this.
Thanks for the heads up on the typo.
I'll cut the second "whereas."
Thanks again for your great comment

[Todd]

Breakfast bowl sounds good Jack.

[billy]

"It is not to be thought that the life of darkness is sunk in misery and lost as if in sorrowing. There is no sorrowing. For sorrow is a thing that is swallowed up in death, and death and dying are the very life of the darkness." - Jacob Boehme

Life is all about movement.
The movement of the static soul
inside the ageing flesh. good opening lines. the body is just a carthorse.
From birth it grows like Henry VIII,
beginning as a handsome lad
with tender face and snowflake heart. great line
But then it strains against the skin,
a beef joint in a breakfast bowl.
So we eat, we drink, we smoke
transient balms to the eternal wounds. Until
the darkness of the soul's adieu
envelopes us like hot water.
There should be no sorrow in death, for me this line isn't needed. it's already been said in the intro
the irrefutable knowledge;
scraped knees and the dawn
are one with dying, experiences
all shall have, sights impressed
upon the eye whether we want them or not.
But whereas knees can heal, be soothed, is but needed?
and dawn comes every day, the 2nd dawn, can it be changed
death is a hole beneath a tree
which leads to warrens none can know
while moving near them constantly. great closing 3 lines that hook into the title.
.

i think this is an excellent read jack. a few nits but nothing big.
the idea of warrens made me think of something other than death.
.the last three lines were perfect.

thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback Bilbo Glad you liked the last three lines. I was going to pad them out with references to Alice in Wonderland but looking back I'm glad I kept it simple.