A short story of imagination

[Larry]

This is my first *real* attempt at any visual free-form. If there are any spelling errors, I sort of wrote it a bit of a strange, hazy state.
I digress....Anything about this you would scratch out or repair, please, please, let me know!
Thank you, and God for this awesome forum!


My Lawn in Winter



“Go out to shovel the driveway!

A wave of rolling snow,
Frozen in an arched position
Like a white jaguar in mid-pounce .
Glancing at it, I set a bargain, and
With a little bit of mental urging
Coax it out of a petrified lurch
And send it slamming upon
The shore of shoveled sidewalk,
Then, sauntering up, up, up into the street,
The film of waster nestles next to the opposing curb,
Pooling under my neighbors red catalac
Parked beneath a streetlight.

For a moment, it stays there
Almost in momentary slumber
Or like a photograph capturing motion.
Then, as if forgetting something,
Moseyed back (with the car)
And, swallowing itself
Up the amorphous lawn and
Into the azalea twigs,
Ploughs lacidasically into my home
In a tempest of wood and water.

The sea returns some things, though
Grandma happens to be ejected
Still fast asleep in her rocking chair
Along with our yellow dog, yowling
As he is spat out like a lugi onto the street.
Some expensive Tupper wear, too
Mostly broken into needles
On the adjacent driveway

“What a scene!”
The neighbors exclaim.
Hands in pockets,
Gathered like pesants around flashing
Police lights and my shaking grandmother
As for The family,? Well
They probably won’t forgive me.
But come to think of it….
The snowflakes do look like quarters…

[billy]

This is my first *real* attempt at any visual free-form. If there are any spelling errors, I sort of wrote it a bit of a strange, hazy state.
I digress....Anything about this you would scratch out or repair, please, please, let me know!
Thank you, and God for this awesome forum!
if you have any friends who write like you do, please invite them

over all. i love the poem.
love the content first off my comments in the body of poem.
weed and the smoking of it is a poor excuse for spelling mistakes


My Lawn in Winter



“Go out to shovel the driveway! is the 1st line needed?

A wave of rolling snow,
Frozen in an arched position show dont tell (frozen, arched) in an not needed
Like a white jaguar in mid-pounce . no need for like
Glancing at it, I set a bargain, and no need for and no commar
With a little bit of mental urging
Coax it out of a petrified lurch its instead of a
And send it slamming upon
The shore of shoveled sidewalk, period not comma
Then, sauntering up, up, up into the street, is this line needed?
The film of waster nestles next to the opposing curb, waster or water?
Pooling under my neighbors red catalac cadilac
Parked beneath a streetlight.

For a moment, it stays there
Almost in momentary slumber
Or like a photograph capturing motion. or like not needed.
Then, as if forgetting something,
Moseyed back (with the car)
And, swallowing itself this stanza needs to be more
Up the amorphous lawn and understandable the transition feel off
Into the azalea twigs,
Ploughs lacidasically into my home lackadaisically
In a tempest of wood and water.

The sea returns some things, though
Grandma happens to be ejected
Still fast asleep in her rocking chair
Along with our yellow dog, yowling
As he is spat out like a lugi onto the street.
Some expensive Tupper wear, too
Mostly broken into needles
On the adjacent driveway nothing much to change here

“What a scene!” no need for speech marks
The neighbors exclaim.
Hands in pockets,
Gathered like pesants around flashing peasants
Police lights and my shaking grandmother
As for The family,? Well no question mark
They probably won’t forgive me.
But come to think of it….
The snowflakes do look like quarters…

last two stanza need little doing.
love granny and the dog

the second stanza needs a little work.
i struggled to see the car moving at first
you have some long sentences which could be made shorter.

all in all a great read larry. all it needs is a little tightening up.
some really good images. the style of your poetry directs it to being a tad telly but that works. it loses very little because of the fact. the reason is you temper the tell with some decent images.

well done and thanks for the read/ jmo.

[addy]

Hi Larry. Your poem was a pleasure to read as usual. Glad to see you trying your hand at something new, not only with the form but with the subject, which was honestly hilarious at parts

I guess if this has a fault it's that it is indeed a little too freeform; you put in lots of filler words that may be needed for prose, but are unnecessary for poetry. Instead of a non-rhyming but still elegantly structured poem, you ended up having what looks like run-ons. Trust the thoughts to segment and break naturally, but still flow. Use the line breaks to your advantage, like panels in a comic book. You don't need to feel pressured to explain everything. Just tighten it up a little

I'll skip the comments already pointed out

My Lawn in Winter



“Go out to shovel the driveway!

A wave of rolling snow,
Frozen in an arched position it's a matter of taste, but personally I think "frozen in an arch" or frozen arch" should be enough
Like a white jaguar in mid-pounce .
Glancing at it, I set a bargain, and not really a bad line, but could be improved. "I stare it down, set a bargain"... you could definitely do it better, but something to that effect
With a little bit of mental urging personally I would rework this line. "mental urging sounds formal and telly
Coax it out of a petrified lurch
And send it slamming upon
The shore of shoveled sidewalk,
Then, sauntering up, up, up into the street, I like this line, but I think "then" and "into" is unnecessary
The film of waster nestles next to the opposing curb,
Pooling under my neighbors red catalac
Parked beneath a streetlight. This line kind of took me out of the scene... I ended the stanza thinking about the streetlight instead of the pooling snow on the curb. Maybe you can rework it to make it a more relevant image (example: "Past guarding streetlights"). Just a suggestion

For a moment, it stays there
Almost in momentary slumber Don't be repetitive with the word "moment". Again, this might just be a taste thing, but remember that this isn't prose; no need to be too wordy to make a point. ("It stills a moment, caught in slumber..." again you can do much better )
Or like a photograph capturing motion.
Then, as if forgetting something,
Moseyed back (with the car) Say "moseys", keep it in present tense like the rest of the stanza
And, swallowing itself I don't think you need "and"
Up the amorphous lawn and
Into the azalea twigs,
Ploughs lacidasically into my home
In a tempest of wood and water.

The sea returns some things, though
Grandma happens to be ejected
Still fast asleep in her rocking chair
Along with our yellow dog, yowling
As he is spat out like a lugi onto the street.
Some expensive Tupper wear, too Tupperware, I believe
Mostly broken into needles
On the adjacent driveway AGAIN might be just a taste thing, but you can try to reevaluate some of your word choices: "ejected", "adjacent", etc... just a nitpick. And keep tightening your lines

“What a scene!”
The neighbors exclaim.
Hands in pockets,
Gathered like pesants around flashing I'd put "flashing police lights" in one line. Also, maybe a word other than "peasants"... I think you mean to describe unruly onlookers,but the connotation of "peasant" is just "poor"
Police lights and my shaking grandmother
As for The family,? Well I guess you can capitalize "Family", if that's the intent
They probably won’t forgive me.
But come to think of it….
The snowflakes do look like quarters…

I think for a lot of this you just lay down your run-on thoughts to paper. But remember, just because a poem doesn't have a rigid rhythm and rhyme structure doesn't mean its just prose split into lines. That said, your grasp of good imagery still shines through. A very good job for a first attempt freeform