She

[Loveblind]

I don't really like this poem, I think it's one of my worst ones. But, what the heck, every poem has some type of hope. It was post to be based on a best friend I had, which I was jealous of. I would like to fix it up and make it much better than what it is now. Thanks guys.


She

The warmth of her smile,
upsurge the envy in my heart,
her success brought tears to my eyes,
animosity hurtled through my bones,
insecurities gnawing my soul,


She had a solid esteem,
while, I felt hollow in my stomach,
She had everything I craved,
I tried to become her
but, fell flat on my face,


time wasted focusing on her,
a jaded look upon my face,
each observations caused more troubles,
Hatred I felt within the flesh,
She had the most I wanted
Self-Esteem.

[Larry]

For future reference, steer clear of cliches such as "The warmth of her smile" or "gnawing my soul"
This does show flashes of originality, such as "animosity hurtled through my bones", so remember
Poetry is not about "what" you say, rather, "how" you say it! Make sure to express yourself in an
Engaging and creative way each time, pour your soul and mind into your poetry, and I'm sure the
Finished product shall be great! I struggle with it often, but one phrase I try to keep in the back
Of my head is: "Show, don't tell" Rather than droning on about the situation, illustrate it!
Tell me of the way her lips curled, the movement of her hair, all while using plenty of verbs and straying away from
Redundant adjectives or run-ons.

She had a solid esteem,
while, I felt hollow in my stomach,
She had everything I craved,
I tried to become her
but, fell flat on my face,

Do you need a comma in front of while?
Give examples of her self esteem,
Illustrate it, please.

time wasted focusing on her,
a jaded look upon my face,
each observations caused more troubles,
Hatred I felt within the flesh,
She had the most I wanted
Self-Esteem.

Watch out for grammar and spelling errors in your poetry.
I would revise this entire paragraph:

Time wasted focusing on her,
a jaded look upon my face,
each observation caused more trouble,
Hatred I felt within my flesh,
She had what I wanted most
Self-Esteem.


I'll write more in a bit, overall, not too bad.
Just keep trying!

[billy]

I don't really like this poem, I think it's one of my worst ones. But, what the heck, every poem has some type of hope. It was post to be based on a best friend I had, which I was jealous of. I would like to fix it up and make it much better than what it is now. Thanks guys.


She

The warmth of her smile,
upsurge the envy in my heart,
her success brought tears to my eyes,
animosity hurtled through my bones,
insecurities gnawing my soul,


She had a solid esteem,
while, I felt hollow in my stomach,
She had everything I craved,
I tried to become her
but, fell flat on my face,


time wasted focusing on her,
a jaded look upon my face,
each observations caused more troubles,
Hatred I felt within the flesh,
She had the most I wanted
Self-Esteem.

i think every poet does a poem called she sooner or later. i know i did
you say;
the warmth of her smile:
how was it warm?
show us with an image, ie;

her smile could melt dark chocolate.

you said;

upsurge the envy in my heart.
show us what envy is with an image;
green bile fueled the pump to full

third image;

my eyes bled verdigris.

so you then have three images that read as;

Her smile could melt dark chocolate.
Green bile fueled the pump to full
my eyes bled verdigris.

next try a metaphor;
Icarus soaring
too close to the sun.
Daedalus himself could
not cool my flight.

so now we have a first verse;

Her smile could melt dark chocolate.
Green bile fueled the pump to full
my eyes bled verdigris.
Icarus soaring
too close to the sun.
Daedalus himself could
not cool my flight.

what i've written is way over the top i think (too arty farty)
but it's done that way to show image and metaphor.

always try and show us the poem.

always try and write wit proper syntax unless it's in an archaic style. (olde english).
so Hatred I felt within the flesh, becomes;
i felt hatred within my flesh

i always say to people you have a poem in there. and i really mean it.
just keep doing edits and keep reading and writing poetry. jmo

and big thanks for posting

[addy]

Yep, every poem can be worked on. Even if you don't like this now, with a few rewrites you might change your tune

The other comments already tackled the biggest points... use unique imagery. Show, don't tell. And, though it seems like a minor consideration, grammar and spelling is important, too. I noticed that at many points you used a comma, when in fact a period would have been more appropriate.

I think you could also do a lot to strengthen that ending: "She had the most I wanted... Self-esteem" is just a version of something you've already mentioned elsewhere in the poem "She had a solid esteem... While I felt hollow in my stomach", so at best it has no impact, and at worst it's just repetitive. Pick a different idea to end the poem on, or at least give a unique take on that idea .

I'll assume you're trying to do the poem in past tense, so I'll correct it as such. You can do it in whatever tense you like

The warmth of her smile , no comma
upsurged the envy in my heart, period here. Try choosing a more appropriate word than upsurged, or better yet change the lines into images
her success brought tears to my eyes, semicolon instead of comma. Try upping the drama of this line: "Each success was a sting...", just do your own thing
animosity hurtled through my bones,
insecurities gnawed my soul, period. Also, challenge yourself to build these last two lines into stronger, more unique images


She had a solid esteem, no need for comma
while, remove comma I felt hollow in my stomach, period
She had everything I craved, period. Get's a little telly at this point
I tried to become her
but, no comma fell flat on my face, period here. I think this could be said in a more interesting way. "I try on her faces... like a clown to the world" or something much better


time wasted focusing on her,
a jaded look upon my face,
each observations remove s caused more troubles remove s, put period. But I think you should rephrase this anyway. Choose less awkward words, more flowing and poetic ones. ,
Hatred I felt within the flesh, I notice you often describe feeling as 'some reaction you felt in your body'. Try to describe your feelings beyond that. Stretch your sensitivity, your imagination.
She had the most I wanted
Self-Esteem.

Just keep working on this, and keep writing!