Speculation

[heslopian]

We've always belonged here.
Anyone who's ever lived
will one day see these frame houses,
this old saloon, the creaking sign,
the yellow plains which cradle them,
more flat than undisturbed water.
You could watch someone walk a month,
twelve miles beyond the town,
until the dot becomes too small,
and they appear on the sidewalk again.

I will eat the last white sweet
and see you by the tavern door.
But I am terrified of sleep.
How will I know the path from rest
to eternal consciousness?
What if I grow lost?
Is nirvana's driveway long,
does it wind through trees;
are there stars between the earth
and the afterlife?

Perhaps I'm naive to assume the final stop
is such a place, a quaint old town
with sand and sun. Perhaps when we awake from death
a high window depicts four walls, on the other side
just light, endlessness you cannot reach.

[Todd]

Jack,

This is great. So much to like here. A few comments for you:

We've always belonged here.
Anyone who's ever lived
will one day see these frame houses,
the old saloon, the creaking sign,--maybe change the old to this old
the yellow plains which cradle them,--love this line
more flat than undisturbed water.--and this line is fantastic as flat gives a two-dimensional sense as if the speaker can't believe his own construct
You could watch someone walk a month,
twelve miles beyond the town,
until the dot becomes too small,
and they appear on the sidewalk again.--kind of a hotel California vibe

I will eat the last white sweet
and see you by the tavern door.
But I am terrified of sleep.
How will I know the path from rest
to eternal consciousness?
What if I grow lost?
Is nirvana's driveway long,
does it wind through trees; --great line
are there stars between the earth
and the afterlife?

Perhaps I'm naive to assume the final stop
is such a place, a quaint old town
with sand and sun. Perhaps when we awake from death
a high window depicts four walls, on the other side
just light, endlessness you cannot reach.--last two lines are the best in the poem

I really enjoyed this.

Best,

Todd[/b]

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind words Todd. I will use your suggestion and make the edit once I've finished this. Was Hotel California an album?

[Todd]

The Eagles

Album and Song

Line I had in mind: You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave

[heslopian]

Yes! That's the line that came to mind when you mentioned Hotel California, and made me wonder if it was a song.

[addy]

This is excellent, one of your best pieces in that it demonstrates very well your sensitivity as a writer. There's a homeyness to the scene you set but a great sense of flatness that isn't frightening at all: just curious and dreamy and tired. The old western town motif you chose is spot-on... a mapless refuge somewhere in the middle of hazy spans of light.

[heslopian]

Thank you for the kind words Addy. Glad you liked the analogy. I worried it might be a bit too strange.

[billy]

We've always belonged here.
Anyone who's ever lived
will one day see these frame houses,
this old saloon, the creaking sign,
the yellow plains which cradle them,
more flat than undisturbed water.
You could watch someone walk a month,
twelve miles beyond the town,
until the dot becomes too small,
and they appear on the sidewalk again.

I will eat the last white sweet
and see you by the tavern door.
But I am terrified of sleep.
How will I know the path from rest
to eternal consciousness?
What if I grow lost?
Is nirvana's driveway long,
does it wind through trees;
are there stars between the earth
and the afterlife?

Perhaps I'm naive to assume the final stop
is such a place, a quaint old town
with sand and sun. Perhaps when we awake from death
a high window depicts four walls, on the other side
just light, endlessness you cannot reach.

i'm struggling to give anything constructive here jack.
the questioning in the 2nd and 3rd verse is excellent.
i can't find lines i don't like. the concept of life after death you chose works well. i think it almost verges on prose poetry but that doesn't spoil it at all for me, a great poem (jmo)
thanks for the read

[heslopian]

Thanks for your very kind words Bilbo

[ckeo]

I don't have the knowledge or experience to critique... So I will just say that this is the kind of writing that holds my interest, I really enjoyed reading this.

[billy]

don't worry, we're going to open a forum for the novice poet and critic in the hope we can give gentle help on how to improve in both.