Eggshell Dance (Slight Revisons)

[ICSoria]

Figured I should post the revision on a new thread to avoid confusion

I have attempted with this revision to take advantage of what I consider great feedback on these forums.
I hope with the revision this poem is a bit less vague. I do not mind leaving much to the reader’s interpretation but wanted to be more clear on each character’s perception of the situation. I tried various substitutes for “conspiratorial” and could not find one that expressed any better what I was attempting to convey, not to mention, fit the meter I want. I admit I may still be off on this, as I often feel much of my poetry is the result of so much shooting in the dark anyway. You are free to say so and suggest further. I would like to get this one right. I appreciate all your thoughtful suggestions. I did try all suggestion but this is what I ultimately decided on...for now.

Sid

Eggshell Dance Revised:

She danced on eggshells at the edge
of veiled indifference, feigned exception
to his subtle lies and sophistry--
conspiratorial partners of deception,

masked in clever conversations.
She weighs the options, even while
he watches her and simply wonders
when she lost the enigmatic smile.

ICSoria
© 2011

Original Post:
This is one I wrote a few years back.
I always liked the first, last, and penultimate lines but was never sure how to properly reconcile the rest. I have come to respect the various perspectives on this forum. Therefore, any critiques, comments, suggestions, or assertions that it is total crap...will be carefully considered. Thank you.

Sid

Eggshell Dance

She danced on eggshells, on the edge;
accrued indifference, feigned exception
to the lies and sophistry--
conspiratorial partners of deception

masked in clever conversations.
She weighs the options, even while
he watches and discreetly wonders
when she lost the enigmatic smile.

ICSoria
© 2011

[billy]

normally it's just done in the one thread but it's okay as long as both are in the same opening post

for me the 'at' works and because of the change in the 2nd (though 'veiled indifference' has been fairly well used) L's 5 and 6 now become (for me) more logical.
a def edit for the better. jmo

thanks for the read.

[Leanne]

Eggshell Dance Revised:

She danced on eggshells at the edge
of veiled indifference, feigned exception -- the assonance of veiled/feigned works a treat here, and the soft c sounds throughout are understated but certainly tie this stanza together sonically
to his subtle lies and sophistry--
conspiratorial partners of deception, -- well, I like conspiratorial, it plays trippingly on the tongue and the consonance of the p sounds is a lovely partner to the soft sibilants

masked in clever conversations. -- now we start some harsh c/k sounds, so the mood turns from musing to accusing
She weighs the options, even while
he watches her and simply wonders
when she lost the enigmatic smile.

Sid, I really like this -- technique-wise I think you've done a wonderful job marrying up your word choice with the subject matter.

[ICSoria]

normally it's just done in the one thread but it's okay as long as both are in the same opening post

for me the 'at' works and because of the change in the 2nd (though 'veiled indifference' has been fairly well used) L's 5 and 6 now become (for me) more logical.
a def edit for the better. jmo

thanks for the read.

Billy, Sorry about making an extra thread. I will make a point of keeping everything together next time. Thank you for taking the time and for advice about "veiled indifference." I will try to find something better but you have already helped me improve this so maybe I can afford not to get too rushed.

Sid

[billy]

it's de ja vu :p

[ICSoria]

Eggshell Dance Revised:

She danced on eggshells at the edge
of veiled indifference, feigned exception -- the assonance of veiled/feigned works a treat here, and the soft c sounds throughout are understated but certainly tie this stanza together sonically
to his subtle lies and sophistry--
conspiratorial partners of deception, -- well, I like conspiratorial, it plays trippingly on the tongue and the consonance of the p sounds is a lovely partner to the soft sibilants

masked in clever conversations. -- now we start some harsh c/k sounds, so the mood turns from musing to accusing
She weighs the options, even while
he watches her and simply wonders
when she lost the enigmatic smile.

Sid, I really like this -- technique-wise I think you've done a wonderful job marrying up your word choice with the subject matter.

Whew!
Leanne, I admit, yours is the opinion I most worried about--no slight intended towards anyone else because everyone I have met here has his/her strong points. But, based on threads and posts I have read so far, when it comes to form and cadence, I consider you an expert. Thanks for the kind words, and for another lesson.

Sid

[Leanne]

Sid -- or anyone else, for that matter -- if there's something specific you'd like me to take a look at, please don't hesitate to just send me a PM. I'm sometimes a bit distracted (that's code for "really rather slack") when it comes to critiques, but I'd hate anyone to think I was ignoring them

As to expertise, chalk it up to a misspent youth that sadly involved no sex, drugs OR rock 'n' roll

[billy]

normally it's just done in the one thread but it's okay as long as both are in the same opening post

for me the 'at' works and because of the change in the 2nd (though 'veiled indifference' has been fairly well used) L's 5 and 6 now become (for me) more logical.
a def edit for the better. jmo

thanks for the read.

Billy, Sorry about making an extra thread. I will make a point of keeping everything together next time. Thank you for taking the time and for advice about "veiled indifference." I will try to find something better but you have already helped me improve this so maybe I can afford not to get too rushed.

Sid

it's no biggy