"Frozen Ink" (Revised)

[ckeo]

(1st Revision)

I press so hard leaving scars
my fucking pen wont write

my mind is reeling a frenetic pace
as I move over the lines but twice

sometimes I want to sanitize
and jump right off the brink

my words fall with a helpless call
written in frozen ink.


** Just a small change on line 6 changed "fall" to "jump"
-------------------------------
(Original)
I press so hard leaving scars
my fucking pen wont write

my mind is reeling a frenetic pace
as I move over the lines but twice

sometimes I want to sanitize
and fall right off the brink

my words fall with a helpless call
written in frozen ink.

[billy]

i love the first two lines craig.
after that i think you need to cut away some stuff;

I press so hard leaving scars
my fucking pen wont write

my mind is frenetic
as I move over the lines

sometimes I want to sanitize
and jump right off the brink

my words fall, helpless
written in frozen ink.

jmo thanks for the read.

[ckeo]

i love the first two lines craig.
after that i think you need to cut away some stuff;

I press so hard leaving scars
my fucking pen wont write

my mind is frenetic
as I move over the lines

sometimes I want to sanitize
and jump right off the brink

my words fall, helpless
written in frozen ink.

jmo thanks for the read.

So, your way there I like, it slows down the pace, comes across more like a thought than a rant.

[heslopian]

(1st Revision)

I press so hard leaving scars
my fucking pen wont write "Won't"

my mind is reeling a frenetic pace Shouldn't that be "at a frenetic pace"?
as I move over the lines but twice

sometimes I want to sanitize
and jump right off the brink

my words fall with a helpless call
written in frozen ink.


** Just a small change on line 6 changed "fall" to "jump"
-------------------------------
(Original)
I press so hard leaving scars
my fucking pen wont write

my mind is reeling a frenetic pace
as I move over the lines but twice

sometimes I want to sanitize
and fall right off the brink

my words fall with a helpless call
written in frozen ink.

A pretty good poem ckeo. Tense and strange, with some genuine emotion. I'd recommend tightening up the structure, perhaps make each line a complete thought, and giving us more specifics about the narrator and his torment, but other than that this is quite effective. Thanks for the read.