Just As Well

[ICSoria]

In the end, it's just as well
you leave, suggest I "Go to hell!"
Your clock was fast, my mind was slow.
Had we reset them long ago,

by now you might have been aware
how skilled I am at solitaire.
I might have seen the games you played
of musical-cabs and masquerade

ICSoria
©2011

[Todd]

I think the lines that make this work for me are:

Your clock was fast, my mind was slow.
Had we reset them long ago,

(that's just clever phrasing. I think of a biological clock. I also like the idea of going out of sync with one another).

by now you might have been aware
how skilled I am at solitaire.
I might have seen the games you played
of musical-cabs and masquerade

The solitaire line is great to say how one partner is comfortable going on alone, and it's a good introduction to games. The final lines strikes me as code for deception and possible infidelity. The mights seem too weak. You would think in at least one case or maybe both they should be musts.

I thought this was a cleanly written, solid read.

Best,

Todd

[ICSoria]

Todd,
Good point about the "mights" and I agree. I will change at least one.

Sid

[addy]

I really like this... the game metaphors, coupled with the images of time, mixed very nicely into a picture of two people who tried to be in tune but went out of synch (or were out of synch all along). It immediately imbues the poem with a lively energy an pace that I like. Very clever, very fun.

[ICSoria]

It immediately imbues the poem with a lively energy an pace that I like. Very clever, very fun.

Addy,
Thanks for the comments and perspective. Sometimes I write and do not even have the total picture in my own mind. It is often nice to see how others view a poem and thereby gain new insight.

Sid

[billy]

In the end, it's just as well
you leave, suggest I "Go to hell!"
Your clock was fast, my mind was slow.
Had we reset them long ago,

by now you might have been aware
how skilled I am at solitaire.
I might have seen the games you played
of musical-cabs and masquerade

ICSoria
©2011

great 1st verse, i like the dry humour of it, the 2nd not as funny but still good. not sure about the repetition of might, would it better if one of them were changed? the rhyme scheme is good enough to not notice.

not sure if you meant the 1st line to have 3 1/2 feet and the last 4 1/2
(the rest all have 4.) it still works for me as is. just wondering?

thanks for an enjoyable read.

[ICSoria]

not sure if you meant the 1st line to have 3 1/2 feet and the last 4 1/2
(the rest all have 4.) it still works for me as is. just wondering?

thanks for an enjoyable read.

Billy,
I almost forgot to get back to you on this:
You are correct, in a sense, If you really wish to get technical (Not trying to be a smart-ass here, as I had to look it up myself) this line is actually only 3 feet, as I read it; the first two being trochaic and the last consisting of three syllables is actually Cretic
In my mind this is part of modulation, as it creates an inversion on the last syllable that allows the line to flow smoothly into the next. Yeeeah...well, truthfully, I didn't understand what the hell was going on with the meter when I put this together but I am glad you brought it up because often, I will write something without possessing total clarity on what exactly is at work, especially in light poetry. I simply read it while counting off the feet, not really giving any deep thought to technical issues. It is usually when someone with a keen sense of observation points something out to me that I look at it and go: huh?...OH! As long as it works, which I feel it does. Thanks for inducing me to study one more technical point. I repeat: Never too late to learn, eh?

Oh, and I may be wrong but, I read MU-si-cal as Dactylic, which would give the last line 4 feet. Feel free to correct me, anyone.


Sid

[billy]

tanks for pointing it out sid. i post depending on what i think i know
it's always good to find out something new.

[ICSoria]

tanks for pointing it out sid. i post depending on what i think i know
it's always good to find out something new.

That's OK, I post according to what I think everyone else thinks I know...and embellish accordingly.

[Leanne]

Well, I like it and have very little in the way of critique, but because I'm really anal about these things... Sid, I'd call the whole thing iambic tetrameter, with the first line starting on a headless iamb (acephalous). In the last line, "musical" pronounced clearly does produce a triple foot, though I would scan it as:

of MUS/ ical-CABS/ and MASQ/ uerADE
iamb/ anapaest/ iamb/ iamb

However, when it's read aloud, the last two syllables of "musical" are pretty much elided so they just slip in and it really doesn't affect the iambic tetrameter... unless you're really anal... which only a few of us are.

Having said all that, don't let ANYONE tell you that scansion is an exact science -- even the metric anoraks in their cloisters still find minutiae to bicker over

[ICSoria]

...Sid, I'd call the whole thing iambic tetrameter, with the first line starting on a headless iamb (acephalous). In the last line, "musical" pronounced clearly does produce a triple foot, though I would scan it as:

of MUS/ ical-CABS/ and MASQ/ uerADE
iamb/ anapaest/ iamb/ iamb

However, when it's read aloud, the last two syllables of "musical" are pretty much elided so they just slip in and it really doesn't affect the iambic tetrameter... unless you're really anal... which only a few of us are.
...don't let ANYONE tell you that scansion is an exact science...

Leanne,
I thank you for that succinct lesson. I indeed understand this is not an exact science but sincerely appreciate someone with a better perspective offering a more exact analysis of meter in a particular line.

Sid

[Leanne]

You might find this page on iambic substitutions handy -- or just plain frustrating

[ICSoria]

Excellent! Thanks, Leanne.

Sid

[billy]

i read it but will stick with iambs for the time being because i'm not that capable. i have booked it though for future ref. thanks also.