Free

[ICSoria]

I drink my weight in empty dreams;
fed by a feeble fantasy
that life is still as sweet and full
as when your heart belonged to me:
when all my hopes were wrapped in you
before you chose to be set free.

ICSoria
©2011

[critical mass]

good stuff here.
short and not too mushy.

I drink my weight in empty dreams;
fed by a feeble fantasy

like these lines the best.

David

[ckeo]

I get a broken flow from it on the end of the third line, the forth feels like its continuing without a tiny break
its subtle but dosnt feel right. I tried it with this as the third line: "of a life so full and sweet" seems to play better in my mind, but I am far from an expert.

the last line confuses me. Was she the one that ended it or was he ? sounds like she choose to have him end it which I cant wrap my mind around... it is really good thanks for posting it.

[ICSoria]

the last line confuses me. Was she the one that ended it or was he ?

Yes.

...there is no right or wrong answer to your question. I am quite comfortable with whichever way a reader cares to view and interpret according to the direction his or her mind chooses to go. I am happy knowing that he or she at least cares enough about it to ponder the various possibilities with me. Thanks for doing so.

Sid

[billy]

I drink my weight in empty dreams;
fed by a feeble fantasy
that life is still as sweet and full
as when your heart belonged to me:
when all my hopes were wrapped in you
before you chose to be set free.

ICSoria
©2011

a few good things going on. the insinuation of drinking to forget in the 1st line, yet the ambiguity can lead in a different direction, such as a metaphor for daydreaming about her/him still being with you.
it feels a little weak and lacks any solid imagery but it still works for me. jmo
thanks for the read.

[ICSoria]

Billy,
Thanks for the honesty. It is always appreciated. I never had illusions about this being anywhere near a strong write. It mainly began as one more Really Rotten Poetry submission--for me, a fun write and good practice.

Sid

[billy]

it's certainly not worthy of being really rotten

[ICSoria]

it's certainly not worthy of being really rotten

Perhaps, but not much better, whenever I compare my writing to that of others with an uncanny ability to toss out the metaphors like so many loose bills causing an uncomfortable bulging of the wallet.

Sid

[billy]

i saw the simile,

you're right though, i look at some poetry on the net and feel really good, then i read a poem by someone whose a better than average net poet like yourself or many others on here and i think bastards, what utter bastards showing me up like that, but inside i'm refreshed to see a bit of decent poetry. i have to say i much prefer reading good feedback to some of the poetry out there, i also love seeing those new t poetry having a go at giving feedback. but i digress

if you have any haiku in this forum sid, can you move the thread to the haiku thread,
at the end of the week this forum will be incorporated into the mild critique forum.
i have the feeling we have to altogether too many forums and i'm trying to cut down on them and tighten the forum up a little.
can anyone else who reads this reply take note