On JR Hartley

[billy]

To write in metered foot and verse:
To cast a perfect fly mid stream
and with a tug of line coerce;
to write in metered foot and verse,
in which the reader could immerse
themselves and live. The poet's dream
to write. In metered foot and verse,
to cast a perfect fly mid stream

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wasn't sure about perfect being iambic, i pray it is changed can to could. in a small edit

[critical mass]

billy

Lots of form on the boards I think.


Really good lines here.


I think the first two lines starting with "To" kind of stands
out visually. It doesn't hurt the poem but it makes me wonder
if there isn't a better replacement for one of them.


to cast a perfect fly midstream
and with a tug of line coerce;

Best enjambment in the poem I think. It rolls of the tongue
when read out loud.

Well that's all I got.
Enjoyed the read.

David

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

The meter didn't sound clunky to me. It sounded like iambs (though I may be off). In any event it sounded good. I love the how you blended fishing through the lines. You held this together with one solid image and clean execution. Satisfying read.

My favorite line in it was: "and with a tug of line coerce;" It plays so well off of both refrains.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

thanks for the feedback guys.
it's appreciated. i think the form is leannes influence.
it's stemming from her practices

[Leanne]

I love those adverts

Iambs are spot on. I wonder if "can immerse" might be better than "could immerse"? A little flowy-er (shutup, it's a word).

Writing, fishing and loveable old men -- what a perfect combination for a poem.

[billy]

for me can or could would do so i did the can cos it's shorter hehe

thanks for the idea and the feedback. it works for me as well cos i used to spend many a day fly fishing.
i'll be doing a couple of free verse and blank verse poems. less i forget how hehe.

[heslopian]

Regardless of whether or not it's iambic it's an excellent triolet Bilbo, better than all mine put together, you git I especially love the line break after "immerse." It reminds me of what Thomas Hardy said about how a slightly imperfect flow can sometimes improve a poem. Same with the break after "dream." This really shows your gift for blending naturalistic lines with form.

[billy]

thanks for the kindness jack. though i'm not sure i'd agree about the comparison

[ICSoria]

Billy,
This is an absolutely well done Iambic Triolet. Besides that, the comparison of fishing to writing poetry--the "tug on the line" that every poet dreams of--just damn lovely!

Sid

[billy]

changed can to could in a very small edit. should have done so ages ago. thanks leanne.

[tectak]

To write in metered foot and verse:
To cast a perfect fly mid streamNo cap on this line. Only full stop needs capital following. Pedantic pollyIn fact, nice as this flows I am not sure about the full colon at all. Think maybe comma end line 1 so keeping the all the fish in one net.
and with a tug of line coerce;Oh, nice billy. Very nice indeed
to write in metered foot and verse,
in which the reader could immerse"The" reader singular, "themselves" plural.Make it "readers" for ease.
themselves and live. The poet's dream
to write. In metered foot and verse,
to cast a perfect fly mid stream

---

wasn't sure about perfect being iambic, i pray it is changed can to could. in a small edit

This is refreshingly clear. It sparkles.
Best,
tectak