New Poem

[Larry]

Ok, so this is only half of a new poem that I made. I need to write the rest later...
Anywho, it uses mostly slant rhyme, but as of right now I am fairly unsatisfied with it, and would love some criticism. Thanks!
______________________________
The winter wraps the city elms
In coats of crystal wool.
Much like a mother making sure
Her children will be warm.
And in the moonlights opal ode
I am a poet’s word-
That’s etched upon the silent snow,
Within a winter storm.

A woman walks across the street,
And slowly turns her head.
She kicks up dust beneath her feet,
That floats this way, and that.
The powder settles on the path,
I shoveled out before
I watch her waltz into the black,
And shovel it once more.

[billy]

Ok, so this is only half of a new poem that I made. I need to write the rest later...
Anywho, it uses mostly slant rhyme, but as of right now I am fairly unsatisfied with it, and would love some criticism. Thanks!
______________________________
The winter wraps the city elms
In coats of crystal wool.
Much like a mother making sure
Her children will be warm.
And in the moonlights opal ode
I am a poet’s word-
That’s etched upon the silent snow,
Within a winter storm.

A woman walks across the street,
And slowly turns her head.
She kicks up dust beneath her feet,
That floats this way, and that.
The powder settles on the path,
I shoveled out before
I watch her waltz into the black,
And shovel it once more.

i have to have a nap cos it was my b/day yesterday so i'll leave a couple of comments and come back to it when i wake up refreshed ;

i've noticed you use the opal word in a lot of your poems. try and change it. as nice as it is a dedicated reader of your work, which i presume is what you eventually hope to acquire will tire of it. (it does work in this piece though.)



for me lines 6.7, and 8 need reworking. they sound to arty farty look at me i'm a poet. (hope that makes sense) and a bit trite. within a winter storm is real cliche. needs some of your originality. i know you have it, i've seen it.


in the second stanza you do with powder what you did with opal, making it feel cliche even if it isn't.

does the woman shovel it once more or do you. feels a bit forced.
i presumed it was snow around (crystal wool) and so the dust threw me a bit.

this second stanza needs a minimum of one good solid image. waltzing into the black is again a bit cliche. try and make her do something else instead of dance or sashay into the black. if you can give her a fresh image/action and create one more you'll be near a decent poem. the rhymes or flow work really well. so you should have a problem with that.
if you have to strip out all but the into the dark and make it fresh.

i'm really glad you posted this. larry. with look you'll have a thread that shows new less able poets how and what they need to do to workshop a poem. i'm very impressed. thanks.

i was only supposed to say i'll comment on it later lol.

[Larry]

Thanks!
In fact, I might just scrap this poem. It does sound very cliche, like you said.
Maybe I'll work on that other poem I posted on yahoo....Thanks!

[billy]

Thanks!
In fact, I might just scrap this poem. It does sound very cliche, like you said.
Maybe I'll work on that other poem I posted on yahoo....Thanks!

for what its worth. here's a quote;
paul valery;
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

even if you use just a small part of
the poem, don't abandon it. the poem has potential.
if you abandon it, you may get into the habit of abandoning every poem
put it away for a while by all means but don't scrap it.

why can't you work on two poems at once, or even a 100.

[addy]

Hi Larry. Again, a lovely poem you have so far

My main criticism would be that the first and second stanzas don't gel well together. There's a disconnect there in the story, like there's something you found fascinating about the woman in the street but it has little to do with the elms and your winter musings from before. If you're going to rework this piece (try not to abandon it, even just one line could serve as inspiration for something new), maybe you could write two separate poems from it. It's just a thought.

Not only are you talented for your age, you've also got a great attitude about reworking your poems. Keep up the good work!