The Only Thing I Gained Was Three Mosquito Bites

[Vika]

Today, I had this brilliant idea that I
would sit outside
to let the wind dry
my tears
and the bird's lullaby soothe
my aching mind

But...

like most of my brilliant ideas,
this one
backfired

because the wind reminded me
of the freedom I lack

and the birds made me realize
no one is here
to listen to my song

[billy]

hi vika.

i like the sentiment of the poem,
that sometimes what we think will cheer us up
often has the opposite effect.

for me i think a good image would enhance what you have.
try not to be repetitive, the two 'me's' feel weak.

thanks for the read.

[Leanne]

Vika, I like what you're saying here, the birdsong motif is particularly poignant.

One thing to consider is where you place your line breaks. Your lines all seem to begin with prepositions/conjunctions and this tends to break the natural flow of the words -- you could try breaking in different places, or alternatively, you could probably cut a fair few of those little words altogether.

[Vika]

Thank you both for the feedback. I took out one of the "me's" and I took out a few small words.

Where would you suggest the line breaks Leanne?

[Leanne]

Today, I had this brilliant idea that I
would sit outside
to let the wind dry
my tears
and the bird's lullaby soothe
my aching mind

But...

like most of my brilliant ideas,
this one
backfired

because the wind reminded me
of the freedom I lack

and the birds made me realize
no one is here
to listen to my song

I've played a little with line breaks and some word order -- always bear in mind that a reader takes most notice to words at the beginnings and ends of lines, and lines at the beginnings and ends of poems.

[billy]

yeah vika, Leanne makes a good point about word order or word shuffling. often rearranging what we've all ready got can often produce better results. i know it's something i often do after i've written a poem.

the edit you did makes it much better, and it's great that you're editing
Leanne i noticed has some good ideas about how to start and end a line.

[Vika]

Thank you Leanne. I like the choice in lines breaks and I will change it to what you suggested. Thanks for the help

[Leanne]

I change my breaks all the time It's sometimes quite incredible how a very tiny change, a line break or a bit of punctuation, can alter the mood of the entire poem.