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[kentucky-kid]

The sky so blue
And yet so dull.
Even the Sun
Had chosen to hide beneath the Clouds.

A wave of nostalgia
Swept over me,
As I gazed
At the unfamillar roads and streets.

The black strands
Untangled itself
As it tried to flee from the foreign land.

A shimmering pearl
Fell out the corner
Of my eye.
As If on cue,
the others cascaded
down my cheeks like a flowing waterfall.

A cringing sound
Awoke me from the depthss of my dream.
And then I realised,

I was home.

This was how I felt when I went overseas myself for the first time and it was then I realised how much I wanted to be home and also how much I wished this was but a Dream.

[billy]

The sky so blue
And yet so dull.
Even the Sun
Had chosen to hide beneath the Clouds.

A wave of nostalgia
Swept over me,
As I gazed
At the unfamillar roads and streets.

The black strands
Untangled itself
As it tried to flee from the foreign land.

A shimmering pearl
Fell out the corner
Of my eye.
As If on cue,
the others cascaded
down my cheeks like a flowing waterfall.

A cringing sound
Awoke me from the depthss of my dream.
And then I realised,

I was home.

This was how I felt when I went overseas myself for the first time and it was then I realised how much I wanted to be home and also how much I wished this was but a Dream.

nice little poem kk.
a few to many cliches ( phrases you hear a lot)
it reads well though and imparts what the writer says easily.
thanks for posting it.

[Gilberte]

"A wave of nostalgia" Hmm that is too much telling I think. I like the pearl falling from your eye…but not the waterfalls of tears (cliche). This poem looks a bit too much like a diary entry and not road ready. Best I like the sky is blue and yet dull because it's an unexpected an uncommon observation. Other than that, the poem lacks surprise or new thoughts about going away for the first time. Good luck if you're planning a 2nd draft. Going abroad is a tough experience for many. So it's a challenging topic.

[jeremyyoung]

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

There are some nice things in here, the sun choosing to hide, the transformation of the pearl to a flood of tears. 'Cringing' makes me cringe, but not in a good way.

The tone is a bit black background and cyan text.

[geoff]

Hey kentucky,

I like your sentiment in the piece. I also enjoyed the surreal elements added in the later stanzas.

In addition to the comments others have said, I was a bit thrown off by the first few stanzas. They introduced a pattern (groupings of 4 short lines) that fell apart as the piece progressed; I think the poem could have a regular form if you wanted it to. They also had some rhyming words which could be carried throughout the piece if so desired.

thanks for sharing

-geoff

[Carousal]

I agree about the cliches but then most of us use them when we start writing poetry, a useful tip is never to write anything you read in a gift card.

Even the Sun
Had chosen to hide beneath the Clouds.

The images are evident but think about the word ‘even’ and ask yourself where else would the sun find to hide in daylight unless it was behind the clouds.

Regards Carousal

[John Galt]

KK, your clarity was good, the poem had a (read it all before feel) to me because of the words used. IE. All the verse below.

"A shimmering pearl
Fell out the corner
Of my eye.
As If on cue,
the others cascaded
down my cheeks like a flowing waterfall".

There is no life in the poem, try for a richer imagery that can let me enter the poem so that I can feel what you felt.

Thank you....JG