Please rate and critique my poem.

[Logan]

Russian Roulette
by Logan Glenn

We found a gun to play Russian roulette
Looked around and found one bullet
Sat in a circle and began the game
Pulled the trigger and nothing came
I’m hating the moment ill hear the sound
Of somebody hitting the ground
How could I pull the trigger
Killing the love of my life
No matter how this ends
It will cause great strife
I tell her I love her
Then the moment came
Pulled the trigger
And ended the game
With blood on my hands I look in the mirror
The only reason to live is gone
No love, Only pain
I look by the sink and find one bullet
Two people died playing Russian roulette

[billy]

hi Logan
we don't rate poetry here we just like it.
remember this is the serious critique forum and as such you'll get in depth feedback of what some (me at least ) think. do not take anything personally and know that you don't have to use and advice given.

i'll put the feedback in the body of the poem.

Russian Roulette
by Logan Glenn

to start with it's too telly and lacking in imagery.
you need to show the reader as opposed to telling them

IE An image (not necessarily) the right one:

the Russian wheel of fortune
dressed itself in pearl and lead
the circle sat, alabaster scared
waiting for that iconic death
click...

my hole puckered
with instructions
don't you dare pull that
click...



We found a gun to play Russian roulette the first line like many tells us a
Looked around and found one bullet story, they need to show it.
Sat in a circle and began the game
Pulled the trigger and nothing came
I’m hating the moment ill hear the sound the rhyme scheme is erratic
Of somebody hitting the ground
How could I pull the trigger it starts off AABBCC
Killing the love of my life then goes way off course.
No matter how this ends
It will cause great strife
I tell her I love her
Then the moment came
Pulled the trigger
And ended the game
With blood on my hands I look in the mirror
The only reason to live is gone
No love, Only pain
I look by the sink and find one bullet
Two people died playing Russian roulette

some of the lines are old phrases. you need to try and be original.
if you've heard a phrase such as; the love of my life, it usually means it's cliche.

at this point in your writing i'd suggest you post your poems in mild critique section and that way i'll concentrate on a specific point. it will make it easier for you to take in and you won't feel like the world is o your shoulders.

thanks for posting the poem logan. as a poet we don't need ratings, we only need to want to improve and to write.

[addy]

Hi Logan! Welcome to the forum

Okay, first the comments. I think your poem starts out strong, where you're just describing the scenario. The simplicity, the almost innocence of the way you said you "found the gun" and "found the bullet" lying around... the singsonginess gave an interesting contrast to the bleak menace of your subject matter. i quite liked it.

But when you begin the moment "I'm hating the moment I hear the sound..." the poem started to weaken just a bit. This is because rather than spelling out how you feel, in poetry it's always better to come up with more creative ways to express that emotion without being too literal. Also as billy pointed out, in the first few lines you had a very definite rhythm and rhyme scheme, that you abandoned after around the fifth line. If you're decided on a form, try as much as possible to be consistent with it.

Well, sorry for the long comment :blush. I liked the poem, and I think it would be great with a few edits, so don't let the length of the comments discourage you. This is all meant to be constructive, which is what the pig pen's about.

Thanks so much for sharing your poem, and welcome!