Melancholia

[heslopian]

the light at the centre of the apple
can be gleaned from the eyes of a Jew
as he watches a door close behind his parents,
remembers leaves, remembers fruits,
swelling in the back garden
while summer licks his fingertips.

memories and endless night
mixing in the same paint pot,
until a colour unseen by
all artists up until this point
begs to adorn the canvas.

such a useless, grim landscape,
surrounded by thousands of lights
in an empty gallery. we are all that ever was,
and any thing will ever be.

six billion minds heading for bed
once the furnaces are cleaned,
the battlefields swept and the slaughterhouse washed,
prepared for use by those awaking.

[Aish]

the light at the centre of the apple
can be gleamed from the eyes of a Jew The Mogen David, how very clever of you! I wonder how many will read this and not know about the star shape in the center of an apple cut in half? Or the bastardization of the fruit of knowledge for that matter
as he watches a door close behind his parents,
remembers leaves, remembers fruits,
swelling in the back garden
while summer licks his fingertips.

memories and endless night
mixing in the same paint pot,
until a colour unseen by
all artists up until this point
begs to adorn the canvas. I adore this strophe.

such a useless, grim landscape,
surrounded by thousands of lights
in an empty gallery. we are all that ever was,
and anything will ever be. Melancholic, indeed. And quite true. We are what we have always been, and what we shall always be. There is nothing new under the sun.


six billion minds heading for bed
once the furnaces are cleaned,
the battlefields swept and the slaughterhouse washed,
prepared for use by those awaking.

This poem in its entirety makes me think of Tisha B'Av and mourning. But that may just be the mindset i am currently in.

[Leanne]

I can't add much to that But in the second strophe, I think just "until" instead of "up until" would do, and in the third, maybe you'd consider "grim, useless" instead of the other way around, for sonic value. The last stanza leaves me chilled (in a good way).

Wonderful, horrible stuff, Jack.

[addy]

Gorgeous stuff... it's a great philosophical piece that doesn't call attention to the fact. This is quite sophisticated work. Very well done.

the light at the centre of the apple
can be gleamed from the eyes of a Jew
as he watches a door close behind his parents,
remembers leaves, remembers fruits,
swelling love the word choice in the back garden
while summer licks his fingertips. This part is gorgeous, it's so full. It conjures up a reenactment of the garden of eden, and banishment with the door closing (I'm assuming that's what you were going for, but anyway it reads like that to me )

memories and endless night
mixing in the same paint pot,
until a colour unseen by this is all beautiful
all artists up until this point the phrasing tripped me up a little here
begs to adorn the canvas.

such a useless, grim landscape,
surrounded by thousands of lights I love how you turned an image like "thousands of lights" on it's head, using it in the negative context of dead space
in an empty gallery. we are all that ever was,
and anything will ever be. this seems grammatically incorrect? needs "that" after and, though I understand that would bother the rhythm

six billion minds heading for bed
once the furnaces are cleaned,
the battlefields swept and the slaughterhouse washed,
prepared for use by those awaking. i really liked the grimness of this, the juxtaposition of battlefields and slaughterhouses with the living/awaking

[heslopian]

Thank you all for your feedback and kind words. Addy, would the last line of the penultimate verse make more grammatical sense if I separated "any" and "thing" into stand alone words?
I'm glad you found the poem wonderfully horrible Leanne
And thanks again Aish for introducing me to the Mogen David! I learn all the time.

[addy]

Addy, would the last line of the penultimate verse make more grammatical sense if I separated "any" and "thing" into stand alone words?

yes, that would work perfectly

[heslopian]

Great, I'll change it now

[billy]

i read this a few times and meant to come back to it, i'm here now

the light at the centre of the apple
can be gleamed from the eyes of a Jew the 1st 2 lines are excellent, i get light and gleamed, but for me gleaned works better.
as he watches a door close behind his parents,
remembers leaves, remembers fruits,
swelling in the back garden
while summer licks his fingertips. great verse, i like the extended fruit thing you have going on, and the leaves and the whole biblical thing

memories and endless night
mixing in the same paint pot,
until a colour unseen by
all artists up until this point until this point is redundant, it feels a little tell as well
begs to adorn the canvas.

such a useless, grim landscape,
surrounded by thousands of lights
in an empty gallery. we are all that ever was,
and any thing will ever be.

six billion minds heading for bed
once the furnaces are cleaned,
the battlefields swept and the slaughterhouse washed,
prepared for use by those awaking.

apart from the few nits i mentioned, i can't add any constructive feedback.
as to the content; you have some good strong images in the poem.
for some reason the last verse made me think of dantes inferno,
the 3rd verse worked well at producing the feel of melancholy and was perfect in tying the title into the poem. jmo
thanks for the read

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback and kind words Bilbo I think I prefer "gleaned" as well. I'll make the edit in a mo.

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

Cool piece. A couple comments below:

the light at the centre of the apple
can be gleaned from the eyes of a Jew
as he watches a door close behind his parents,
remembers leaves, remembers fruits,--I think it would read better as fruit
swelling in the back garden
while summer licks his fingertips.--gorgeous line

Okay here's the thing I honestly think S1 could be the complete poem, aside from my one minor nit it's awesome. We have the Genesis account the light (creation, and more specifically here knowledge of good and evil locked in the fruit. The first two lines set the scene. L3 is the fall with the door closing behind the ultimate parents. The idea of swelling gives the sense of sex and the loss of innocence, and summer (maybe capitalized: I know you don't normally do that I just wonder if it might be proper when you're personifying summer) lets us know that we have moved away from spring (begginings) and the licking of fingertips also carries a sense of sensuality.

That's not to say there's no merit further down just this is its own poem (imo).

memories and endless night
mixing in the same paint pot,--I really like this image
until a colour unseen by
all artists up until this point
begs to adorn the canvas.

such a useless, grim landscape,
surrounded by thousands of lights
in an empty gallery. we are all that ever was,
and any thing will ever be.--do you need another that after thing

six billion minds heading for bed
once the furnaces are cleaned,--chilling image
the battlefields swept and the slaughterhouse washed,--maybe cut the and
prepared for use by those awaking.

The whole thing is strong Jack, and I can see how it holds together. I don't want to give you the wrong idea on how I feel about the total piece. It's more a sense of thinking part of it is sublime.

Best to you (hope something in all that is helpful),

Todd

[heslopian]

Thank you so much for your great feedback Todd. It's been fascinating for me to read people's different interpretations of this poem. For me the discussion of it is almost more interesting than the poem itself I'm delighted you like the first verse that much, though I'm not sure it would gel with the title if made its own piece.