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All that talk of Devotion.
A beautiful sentiment, yes,
and one which i abide by,
but for what, do i wait?
Do i save myself through clear choice-
because i made a promise,
or simply because
another hasn't crossed my path yet?
Either way, I do not give to anyone.
But then, the choice is not mine really,
I do not belong to me anymore.
Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.
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not sure where you wanted it violet, so i placed it here for the time being.
i'll give some feedback to it later as my head is full of crap at the moment.
if you want it putting somewhere else let's know and i'll sort it out for you.
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(06-27-2011, 07:36 AM)violet Wrote: All that talk of Devotion.
A beautiful sentiment, yes,
and one which i abide by,
but for what, do i wait?
Do i save myself through clear choice-
because i made a promise,
or simply because
another hasn't crossed my path yet?
Either way, I do not give to anyone.
But then, the choice is not mine really,
I do not belong to me anymore.
hi violet, sorry for not getting back to this.
it reads well and flows well.
and fits the title. i feel the dullness of the reflection, that said i'd have liked to have seen a couple of images.
while the introspection works well, i think it needs to brought out a little more.
thanks for the read. jmo.
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I think the first stanza works fine, since at that point you are still establishing the idea you are ruminating on... but by the second and third for me it was a little too much POV exposition and could be zinged up a little with poetic imagery. Nevertheless, I think you've put your thoughts down well, and I like the tone of it. It should polish up beautifully
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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All I can really say is that I like it
What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?
-Bertolt Brecht
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(06-27-2011, 07:36 AM)violet Wrote: All that talk of Devotion. Does this need capitalising?
A beautiful sentiment, yes,
and one which i abide by, The "i" should be upper case.
but for what, do i wait? Is the comma needed?
Do i save myself through clear choice- "I" again.
because i made a promise, Ditto.
or simply because
another hasn't crossed my path yet?
Either way, I do not give to anyone.
But then, the choice is not mine really, Is the comma after "then" needed?
I do not belong to me anymore. Excellent last line Sarah. Sharp and profound.
A soft and delicate confessional poem which conveys the narrator's internal dialogue with enviable finesse. Thanks for the read.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
