Sorrow for the Stars

[Vika]

As a little child
I loved to stare up at the moon
Imagining what it would be like
To sit and watch the blue planet
Rise on the horizon


I wished for nothing more at that time
Then to be up in the sky
Ride upon a shooting star
That would take me to a magical land
Created just for me


I used to tell you how I loved that moon
How the silver light would guide me
As I walked down the beaten road
On those nights when I had nowhere
Else to walk


Orion was my hero
He helped me through the nights
Sheilded me with his six stars
I felt safer when he was in my skylight
Knowing pain would only be distant


Now, I just wish they would go away


My love for them is not lost
It will always be there
But some love causes great sorrow
A stab deeper than words


Now everytime I look to the heavens
Spot Orion defending in the skyies
Or see the luminescent moon
I can't help but cry
Finding it hard to breath


A sharp pain goes through my chest
As if a screw is being twisted in
Deeper and deeper it imbeds itself
Until it is so far in
That it cannot be removed


I don't want the light of the moon
To be my guide any longer
I wish night would drape over me
Like black silk over
A gypsy's shew stone


The comfort I once found
In the expansive twilight
Has been replaced by a feeling
Worse than being held under water
Or being burned by fire


Now, I just wish they would go away


Because they remind me of you
Of how you will never be next to me
To hold my hand in yours
And admire their beauty
Together.

[billy]

hi vika, thanks for your first poem.

always best to start in the mild crit forum.
the poem to me isn't about a partner but maybe a parent or sibling.
one thing to watch out for are words used more than once, specially words like beauty, all words in general should be used sparingly so as not to create repetition. normally in this forum we try and show a couple of things that may help, my second thing is imagery,

this simile;
Like black silk over
A gypsy's shew stone

is a good image, i'd love to see more imagery included in some of the narrative, at least one per verse. the two lines above were my favourite because of the imagery they hold. jmo.

thanks for the read and for posting your first poem

[Vika]

Thank you for reading

I will fix the "beauty" repetition... it does sound a bit off. As for the imagery, that is a problem I have always seemed to have. My style is simple but I understand that I need to come out of my comfort zone. I normally try not to change my poetry too much after writing it, but I will try and reword certain parts of this one.

I appreciate your feedback

[billy]

listen vika,
when i started writing poetry i was the worst offender of telling without showing,
i'm probably not much better now but we get the hang of things if we leave ourselves open.
if you can always be prepared to change what you write, six moths form now, you'll look back on some of your poems and think...mmmm that should be written like that, i guarantee it. that's if you want to improve

[Vika]

Of course I want to improve

I do look back at my poems from just the beginning of this year (when I started writing), and it seems as if I am a completely different writer. I'm always trying to improve... it just takes one step at a time

Thank goodness for people like you, who will actually give good advice

[billy]

we have a few here who are prepared to help instead of just telling us how good we are.
your poem is better than many considering that you only started at the beginning of this year.
try and read some of the poetry on the reference boards and read some of the feedback on other peoples poetry.
also try your hand at giving a bit of feedback. it helps more than people think possible.
looking forward to more of your work

[addy]

This a sweet, heartbreaking piece... it speaks so much about disillusion (reminds me of the verses of the song "Both Sides Now", actually). One thing I might adjust is that I'd give a tiny hint of the disillusioning event that happened, just a hint... I know you're saving it for the ending, but it distracted me just a little from my enjoyment of the second half which is a considerable length because the thought "what's wrong? what's wrong??" kept bugging me . But that is a small nitpick though

[Vika]

Thanks for the feedback
So you think I should tell the reader why I feel this way, somewhere in the middle?

[Todd]

Hi Vika,

Nice to read your work. Here are a few comments to consider (use them if they work, ignore them if they don't):

I see a lot of good elements here. I think they would pop more with some careful editing though. I would challenge you to go back and ask yourself what can be cut without sacrificing meaning or tone. Ask yourself how can I say what I need to in the fewest words. I'll give you an example of things you could do in the text (again only for illustrating not to say THIS rewrite is the best )

Okay here's S3 as our first edited example:

I used to tell you how I loved that moon
How the silver light would guide me
As I walked down the beaten dirt road
On those teary nights
When I had nowhere else to walk

There are good bones in this writing. I really like the specific THAT moon. Here are some proposed cuts: I would cut "As I walked". I would consider cutting dirt because beaten road sounds cooler to my ear without it. I would consider cutting teary beause it's a bit too telling and the image of the beaten road and nowhere else to walk sort of conveys teary to me. After cutting teary I would pull up when I had nowhere to make the line more interesting.

I used to tell you how I loved that moon
How the silver light would guide me
Down the beaten road
On those nights when I had nowhere
else to walk

Again, I just want to provide you with something to think about whichever way you decide to go.

I hope it's helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Vika]

Thanks Todd

I really like what you came up with and I totally agree. I will try and reword what I have written and post it shortly

[addy]

So you think I should tell the reader why I feel this way, somewhere in the middle?

Hmm, I don't think it's necessary, once you do the edit Todd suggests and the poem get's a little leaner. Then the second half would be a nice, effective and shorter build-up.

[Vika]

Hi Vika,

Nice to read your work. Here are a few comments to consider (use them if they work, ignore them if they don't):

I see a lot of good elements here. I think they would pop more with some careful editing though. I would challenge you to go back and ask yourself what can be cut without sacrificing meaning or tone. Ask yourself how can I say what I need to in the fewest words. I'll give you an example of things you could do in the text (again only for illustrating not to say THIS rewrite is the best )

Okay here's S3 as our first edited example:

I used to tell you how I loved that moon
How the silver light would guide me
As I walked down the beaten dirt road
On those teary nights
When I had nowhere else to walk

There are good bones in this writing. I really like the specific THAT moon. Here are some proposed cuts: I would cut "As I walked". I would consider cutting dirt because beaten road sounds cooler to my ear without it. I would consider cutting teary beause it's a bit too telling and the image of the beaten road and nowhere else to walk sort of conveys teary to me. After cutting teary I would pull up when I had nowhere to make the line more interesting.

I used to tell you how I loved that moon
How the silver light would guide me
Down the beaten road
On those nights when I had nowhere
else to walk

Again, I just want to provide you with something to think about whichever way you decide to go.

I hope it's helpful.

Best,

Todd

Fixed

[Erthona]

This is a decent lost love poem. The idea is fresh although it touches on well traveled ground. The weak points are primarily those of execution and not content, a large portion of which could be taken care of with some judicious editing as Todd suggested. Some specific things I would look at is taking out the line "Now, I just wish they would go away", as you cover that in the poem, it seems redundant as well as distracting. The second to last stanza says nothing new or better than has already been implied, the last stanza is a wrap up that is probably not needed.

This stanza would make a good ending

"I don't want the light of the moon
To be my guide any longer
I wish night would drape over me
Like black silk over
A gypsy's shew stone"

Maybe with a few tweaks where the speaker takes a slightly more forceful stance, such as

Instead of "I wish night would drape over me"

"I want the night to drape over me"

and then something along the lines (not a suggestion, just an example)

like a heavy brocade curtain
cutting off their light and smothering my pain.

Following along that line implies a symbolic burying which I think would fit quite naturally with the grief expressed here, and is already implied with what you have written, which could easily be taken as wanting to die, and very much in line with how one feels in such a situation: symbolic death being the natural conclusion of this sort of loss.


Dale

[Philatone]

hello, Vika! just some quick ideas to ponder

As a little child...I know you want to emphasize the distance between your past and how you are now, but I don't think you need the first line. just by using the past, I think you have enough. this same point goes for the "I used to tell" a couple stanzas down--it could just be "I told"
I loved to stare up at the moon
Imagining what it would be like
To sit and watch the blue planet
Rise on the horizon ...nice image; think the 3 lines above could be a little more concise


I wished for nothing more at that time
Then to be up in the sky
Ride upon a shooting star
That would take me to a magical land
Created just for me


I used to tell you how I loved that moon
How the silver light would guide me
As I walked down the beaten road
On those nights when I had nowhere
Else to walk


Orion was my hero
He helped me through the nights...I think you could delete this line; the next one is very strong and conveys the same idea
Sheilded me with his six stars
I felt safer when he was in my skylight
Knowing pain would only be distant...I think you could delete this line too; again, the previous one is strong--kind of paints him as a nightlight; it is very personal and touching


Now, I just wish they would go away


My love for them is not lost
It will always be there
But some love causes great sorrow
A stab deeper than words ...if desired, this stanza could be trimmed completely. it is all description with little to no showing, which can make it harder for the reader to connect to


Now everytime I look to the heavens
Spot Orion defending in the skyies
Or see the luminescent moon
I can't help but cry
Finding it hard to breath


A sharp pain goes through my chest
As if a screw is being twisted in
Deeper and deeper it imbeds itself
Until it is so far in
That it cannot be removed


I don't want the light of the moon
To be my guide any longer
I wish night would drape over me
Like black silk over
A gypsy's shew stone


The comfort I once found
In the expansive twilight
Has been replaced by a feeling
Worse than being held under water
Or being burned by fire


Now, I just wish they would go away


Because they remind me of you ...wasn't completely sure who "they" is- Orion and his stars?
Of how you will never be next to me
To hold my hand in yours
And admire their beauty
Together.

many elements of this I liked, but I think some scissors could really be your best friend here. hope this is helpful

[. . . .]

OK here it goes..
A child grew up walking by the moon light under the stars who made an imaginary friend from the Orion cluster while the moon guided her. The moon was her lamp and the stars was her shield.
In her mind she hitched a ride using a shooting star to see the sites and places made just for her.
And still the moon light guided her and Orion protected her as she went to her own lands of wonder.
She dreams as a future astronaut would.

Then she grew up, almost into adult hood and the sky fell in on her head. Orion failed to protect her and the moon did not guide her away from harm. Instead of making her afraid of the dark, it made her want to submerge herself in it so she can not see the stars and moon that she once depended on. Totally turning her back on the guiding moon and protective stars else she be reminded of the painful event.

The potential astronaut died.
---
I am pretty sure I now what happened to make her feel that way. Martians came and ate her brains with a straw thru her nose? No? ok maybe not.
Maybe if she used the faithful dog star Sirius in the constellation Canis Major to protect her she might have avoided the incident?



I dont do critique since I dont know a poem from a owners manual but I can understand meaning... sorta.
Or I could be spinning on that 3rd cup of coffee and got the meaning all wrong.