Hello Gran.

[billy]

The candlelight whispered on the walls
of the room; like her, the bed was old
and cold. The quilt was older, stitched
with her nimble fingers in the not-so-roaring thirties,
by the light of an open hearth volcano.

A cut glass perfume bottle by Lalique glimmered.
Filled with her essence, the scent of Guerlain;
it was who she was. It permeated the space
in the cedar shuttered room like words in a book
of love poems, or coloured glass in a Tiffany store.

Looking at the well worn slippers on polished pine.
Feeling the room share her breath as she did
with warm-elderberry-wine kisses on my cheek.
No longer sorrowful of her being alone
I snuffed the candle and sat for a while
In her company.

[heslopian]

This poem is so good I'm somewhat envious

The candlelight whispered on the walls
of the room; like her, the bed was old
and cold. The quilt was older, stitched
with her nimble fingers in the not-so-roaring thirties,
by the light of a huge open hearth volcano. Is "volcano" needed? That metaphor adds too much to this tranquil scene, I feel.

A cut glass perfume bottle by Lalique glimmered.
Filled with her essence, the scent of Guerlain;
it was who she was. It permeated the space
in the cedar shuttered room like words in a book This simile is fantastic. My favourite line in the piece.
of love poems, or coloured glass in a Tiffany store.

Looking at the well worn slippers on polished pine.
Feeling the room share her breath as she did
with warm-elderberry-wine kisses on my cheek.
No longer sorrowful of her being alone
I snuffed the candle and sat for a while
In her company. Does this really need a seperate line?

What I like about this is that for the most part you've evaded the trap of saying too much, using too many words, which you sometimes do in your more classical pieces. This is a soft and tender poem, charmingly rendered.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback jack.

I thought about separating the last line before posting it and decided to keep it within
the body of the verse. alone it felt a little forced to me. i agree about the vocano though i'm not sure what word to use in
it's place, (i'm not keen on changing the rest of the line) any suggestions will be gratefully mulled over.

[heslopian]

Do you need another word in "volano"'s place? The line would work just as well with nothing there except "huge open hearth" I think.

[billy]

i think i would. the image i'm trying to portray is of a young child working on her own quilt in front of large roaring fire.
often it was how many families spent their time, (i imagine)

[Aish]

The candlelight whispered on the walls
of the room; like her, the bed was old
and cold. The quilt was older, stitched
with her nimble fingers in the not-so-roaring thirties,
by the light of a huge open hearth volcano.

A cut glass perfume bottle by Lalique glimmered.
Filled with her essence, the scent of Guerlain;
it was who she was. It permeated the space
in the cedar shuttered room like words in a book
of love poems, or coloured glass in a Tiffany store.

Looking at the well worn slippers on polished pine.
Feeling the room share her breath as she did
with warm-elderberry-wine kisses on my cheek.
No longer sorrowful of her being alone
I snuffed the candle and sat for a while
In her company.

At first read this is softly beautiful. I like the ambiance you create and the character you present. You introduce candlelight and hearth in S1, then tie it up with snuffing a candle in the penultimate line. It's all kind of sepia toned and mellow, with the exception of your volcano metaphor, which is garishly out of place. And of course you already told us Gran was dead [like her, the bed was old
and cold. ]

In S1 we have homespun images of a young woman quilting by hand in the not so brilliant light of a warmly blazing hearth, and indicate explicitly the quilt is still in daily use some 70 years later. Then in S2 you expect us to believe that same humble senior citizen collects high end crystal perfume bottles and fills them with Guerlain, which isn't top shelf perfume, but also isn't dime store. And then you end the strophe with a Tiffany reference, a couture establishment. It does not ring true, unless dear old Gram had MPD.

Stand out lines for me were
[It permeated the space
in the cedar shuttered room like words in a book
of love poems, ]

and

[Feeling the room share her breath as she did
with warm-elderberry-wine kisses on my cheek. ]

[billy]

it's a young girl, if she were a women she'd be 100 plus, there's no mention of poverty, the huge fire is often a symbol of wealth. one does not a collection make lalique perfume bottles were sold quite cheaply now and then, some also came free when you bought the perfume. welcome gave away lalique with it's perfume, my partner has a cut crystal one and we're not wealthy. i paid 4 pounds sterling for it, it's worth about 120 top end and about 70 barginside. in the 30's dependig where you live, young girls were taught quilt making. even in rich families
the tiffy wasn't a reference but a simile (like 'her eyes shone like diamonds', cliché but often said of old peoples eyes) 2nd hand perfume can also be had cheaply and again while, as i said, we're not wealthy my partner has about ten high end perfumes including a very expensive largerfeld. and a few decent diamonds.
i'm certainly not justifying myself though it seems that way :hysterical. so please don't think me vain or full of ego

thanks for a good and thoughtful crit, and i promise to weigh your input carefully, i'll def do something with the volcano on an edit, more than one person has picked up on it.
most of all thanks for the time you spent on it.

---

i just sent Aish a pm saying;

i just re read my response and it's scandalous, i should have just thanked you, sorry Aish.

[Aish]

Awww, quite alright, I'm not offended.

Now, in my own defense, the last time I priced a Lalique perfume bottled the range was between $150 and $375 US dollars. I'm not a bag lady, but that's not chump change (considering it's a damned perfume bottle). My husband will tell you I can pick out the priciest morsel regardless of where I am because I'm like a fish (sparkly things attract me). You should have seen his face when I picked out an engagement ring with a $15,000 price tag (no, I did not insist on the ring, no I did not know the price upfront, and no, it was not over 3 carats). My own grandma has a rather nice assortment of upscale type paraphernalia, yet balks at the price of milk these days
My great grandma, before she died, was so thrifty she could make a silk purse from a sows ear.

[billy]

thanks for being gracious, thing is i've often spoke out when someone did what i did so i was a bit hypocritical hehe. (it's my period)

[Aish]

[Image: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v293/F.../Midol.jpg]

[Leanne]

Billy, sorry to be contrary but I really like the volcano image and find it blends nicely into the cut glass of the next stanza. I do think you could do without "huge" on that line, however, as it's implied and I don't feel it's the size that's important, but the heat.

My grandmother was dirt poor, but had exquisite taste, so the few ornaments and trinkets she had were of excellent quality. I think you've drawn both woman and memory here vividly, and it's an enjoyable read.

[billy]

bugger bugger what to do

i'm still pondering the volcano. but the huge can go without taking anything away.
thanks to you and everyone else for the input