Posts: 73
Threads: 30
Joined: May 2011
"A musing of unorthodox perhapsities and lack of patience for blatant disregard of common, gutter-trash literature - my work. Solemnty is definite. I'm prompted to finish my glass of Rattan and be done with it. Sincerely, Your Amplified Thoughts That Cower and Grovel Beside You" ~ Silva Damned
With Undue Respect
You complete me, oh, how my heart throbs with that cliche. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Fuck you. Would you like a condom for that hard-on you're waving, sir? Catch a moving train, why don't you. Love? Disgraceful. 'I love you.' is now in the same league as 'I'm sorry.' and 'She only blew me, I swear.' You're about as convincing as a police orifice, you prick. And while you're pissing yourself in your bed tonight remember this, obligated 'love' is treason, and if you step on my property bring some lube 'cause this double-barrel's gonna love you.
It Could Have Been
without STARS
we would
blister
up
and burst
for lack of
a
better
excuse.
Who gives a
FUCK about
STARS
anyways?
Stick your
curious
hand in
the curiouser
FUCKING
hole
and dig your
nails deep,
like your
God
said
to.
Dig, FUCKERS,
dig.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
06-14-2011, 04:08 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-14-2011, 04:09 PM by billy.)
(06-14-2011, 10:54 AM)jadielue Wrote: "A musing of unorthodox perhapsities and lack of patience for blatant disregard of common, gutter-trash literature - my work. Solemnty [should it be solemnity?]is definite. I'm prompted to finish my glass of Rattan and be done with it. Sincerely, Your Amplified Thoughts That Cower and Grovel Beside You" ~ Silva Damned haven't heard and couldn't find the quote with a google, nor have a heard of, or could find anything about the drink rattan. i take the drink for some reason to be a poison.. i like the the way the message juxtaposes with the prose poetry of the 2nd verse
With Undue Respect
You complete me, oh, how my heart throbs with that cliche. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Fuck you. Would you like a condom for that hard-on you're waving, sir? Catch a moving train, why don't you. Love? Disgraceful. 'I love you.' is now in the same league as 'I'm sorry.' and 'She only blew me, I swear.' You're about as convincing as a police orifice, you prick. And while you're pissing yourself in your bed tonight remember this, obligated 'love' is treason, and if you step on my property bring some lube 'cause this double-barrel's gonna love you.
the rant in the above prose verse actually feels a bit cliche in place but it doesn't matter for me, i get the impression that that's it's intent. it has that hate humour in it we show when we've been really hurt. i particularly like the last two lines.
It Could Have Been
without STARS
we would
blister
up
and burst
for lack of
a
better
excuse.
Who gives a
FUCK about
STARS
anyways?
Stick your
curious
hand in
the curiouser
FUCKING
hole
and dig your
nails deep,
like your
God
said
to.
Dig, FUCKERS,
dig.
the switch from prose to free verse works extremely well as an example, more so because it has little use of poetic device.
it's very cynical piece from top to toe and i have to say apart from trying to look up a couple of things i really enjoyed it. it felt like a down to earth rant poem formatted in such a way as to make me want to understand the 1st person and what had happened.
the 2nd verse feels like it's aimed at a particular person and the third to cheats in general. i'm not much the wiser after the read and will come back to gain a better insight. for me thats what good poems often do.
sorry if i rambled on. good to see you laying one down.
thanks for the read. (jmo)
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
(06-14-2011, 10:54 AM)jadielue Wrote: "A musing of unorthodox perhapsities and lack of patience for blatant disregard of common, gutter-trash literature - my work. Solemnty is definite. I'm prompted to finish my glass of Rattan and be done with it. Sincerely, Your Amplified Thoughts That Cower and Grovel Beside You" ~ Silva Damned
With Undue Respect
You complete me, oh, how my heart throbs with that cliche. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Fuck you. Would you like a condom for that hard-on you're waving, sir? Catch a moving train, why don't you. Love? Disgraceful. 'I love you.' is now in the same league as 'I'm sorry.' and 'She only blew me, I swear.' You're about as convincing as a police orifice, you prick. And while you're pissing yourself in your bed tonight remember this, obligated 'love' is treason, and if you step on my property bring some lube 'cause this double-barrel's gonna love you. Oh god I laughed at that last line.  (whatta burn!) You've got a great flow going there.
It Could Have Been
without STARS
we would
blister
up
and burst
for lack of
a
better
excuse. Love the seething fatalism here, how expertly you used the image to animate the feeling
Who gives a
FUCK about
STARS
anyways? Dunno if "anyway" is needed? No biggie, though, since it works.
Stick your
curious
hand in
the curiouser
FUCKING
hole
and dig your
nails deep,
like your
God
said
to.
Dig, FUCKERS,
dig. Great opposition from a "heavenly" viewpoint.
I really liked the control and spareness of this (mostly in the second part). The easy frankness of the first part contrasted with the almost-romance-but-screwed -up-and-turned-on-its-head vibe of the second. A rage poem with scalpel-like precision; a fascinating read.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 73
Threads: 30
Joined: May 2011
Thank you, both. It's an odd piece, I'll agree, but it came out of nowhere, no inspiration whatsoever and this monster reared it's head, haha.
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