Nightmare on My Street

[Todd]

As knives stretch from your fingertips,
the boiler’s hiss, the darkness drips,
but young men’s fears aren’t mine to take.
Could I please die before I wake?

I understand you didn’t need
young teens who only wish to breed.
I’d kill them too. I’ve lost that ache.
Could I please die before I wake?

Each day I sit in asphalt haze,
a brake light death of small delays.
Of this communion I partake.
Could I please die before I wake?

The miles form a metronome
of cell phone calls and shining chrome,
a slow decay with each mistake.
Could I please die before I wake?

From empty cube, to empty room,
the jasmine scent of stale perfume,
a window blackened now, opaque.
Could I please die before I wake?




(well, here's one of my first form poems: tear apart at will ) I meant to post this in the practice thread. I accidently made it it's own thread).

Edit: L19 (incorporated Leanne's recommendation for a more clear phrasing) thanks.

[Leanne]

I forgive you your thread ego This is superb, I'm afraid, I know you were dying to have it ripped to pieces. It's perfect iambic tetrameter -- I really like "the miles form a metronome" (see, that's only seven syllables technically, but miles stretches out into a rise/fall pattern, so you still have your four feet) -- it's a nice little play on the meter. The sense of futility and disdain for the necessities of 9-to-5 is strong throughout.

"A blackened window now opaque" is a little confusing -- if it was already blackened, it would have always been opaque. Or was it clear, and blackened by the night? If that's the case, perhaps you mean something like "a window blackened now, opaque".

I really like what you've done with this, Todd, and I like your full stop in S2, it works perfectly. Thanks for playing

[Todd]

Thank you so much for the comments Leanne. It makes me happy to pull something like this off. I'm glad the meter came together. At this point it's a play piano by ear sort of thing. I shifted four lines that clunked to me. I'm glad it's iambic tetrameter. And yes your spot on correction of the window line is actually what I meant (though I inverted the phrasing). I'll make that edit change now.

I was worried that form would make it come across stilted and clunky...free verse bias I'm sure.

Thanks for the challenge.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

Meter IS music. If you can't sing it, it's not metric (of course, if you can sing it, it's still not necessarily metric -- just that if you can't it's not, which makes perfect sense in my head!)

Enjambment often helps to get rid of that chiming effect that end-rhyme can sometimes have. Good rhyme should be unobtrusive and never detract from the poem, but help to drive the sound of it, which is why meter is so important: to make sure the rhymes fall in the right places and don't "clunk"

[billy]

great write Todd, i'm envious.

about the iambic tetrameter, again i'm really struggling.

i scan the first line as;
da--dum----dum----da---da--dum-da-dum
As knives / stretch from/ your fing/ er tips,
when said aloud i get the same stress for stretch as i do for knives.
i really want to understand how to tell the difference.

and line 8 as;
--da-da-dum---da--da-dum--da dum
Could I / please die /be fore / I wake?

is it possible for the syllable 'I' to be both stressed and unstressed in an iambic foot? if so i have no chance of getting my head round it.

[Leanne]

On the stresses, here

Billy, you're focusing too much on the words. Get the meter set in your head first, then recite. Always get into that rhythm before even attempting to write a metric poem -- you will likely have some trouble scanning other people's poems until you've written so many that the meter becomes second nature to you. Trust me, I've been doing this for far too long

Now, once you've got da DUM da DUM stuck there, try reciting the poem again. It definitely fits.

[billy]

yeah, (i think) i see the light.
thanks for persevering with me

[Todd]

On the stresses, here

Billy, you're focusing too much on the words. Get the meter set in your head first, then recite. Always get into that rhythm before even attempting to write a metric poem -- you will likely have some trouble scanning other people's poems until you've written so many that the meter becomes second nature to you. Trust me, I've been doing this for far too long

Now, once you've got da DUM da DUM stuck there, try reciting the poem again. It definitely fits.

Billy (thank you by the way), on this point Leanne made I didn't think of this at the time but she's so right. Once I had my idea firmly in mind I wanted to get a sense of the rhythm. I wrote a few lines and then I read James Wright's The Seasonless over and over again out loud to get a sense of the rhythm (it helps that it's one of my favoite poems but it fixed a sense of meter in my mind). When I looked at my words it was easier to get into the flow. I hadn't thought of it as a technique but it really worked.

http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=1555&page=3

It's the third poem down.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

to link to an exact post instead of a thread. look at th eleft of the red bar above which post you want, you'll see a number. the number on this post is #9. right click on it and copy the link for pasting. was it one of the poems posted by radlos?

[Todd]

No, it's just the poem I referenced. Did this work better?

http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=1555&pid=42451#pid42451

[billy]

yeah, thanks.