Burning Reflected

[Cthonian]

I smoke through the window,
since the room should not be
grey in the mornings.

So between
drawn crackling drags
that seem to emit a power,
and faint touches
of balled ash that fall
softly between fingers
like an insect's flight,
I regard with some
exacting illusion
the reflection of my humble flame
in the cocked glass
of my window-fold.

The living phantasm
of the reflected flame
appears to me
as a growing, glowing orb,
rising in the black sky,
exploding some hundred million miles away.

Pulsing in bright, dying orange,
this beautiful star,
in the black night of my mind,
engulfs and consumes
the unmeasured universe,
starting with this sky,
this sea, this earth,
the divine explosion
removes every trace of life
from this violent planet.
Annihilation, deletion, negation.
No bed to rise from tomorrow,
in the grey morning.

[billy]

I smoke through the window,
since the room should not be
grey in the mornings.

So between is so needed.
drawn crackling drags nice image, this is what i was in about
that seem to emit a power, are seem and a needed
and faint touches
of balled ash that fall
softly between fingers
like an insect's flight,
I regard with some is some needed
exacting illusion
the reflection of my humble flame
in the cocked glass
of my window-fold. i like this image

The living phantasm
of the reflected flame flame has been use once already would another word work
appears to me
as a growing, glowing orb, the 1st 5 lines are reiteration of the 1st verse and add little
rising in the black sky,
exploding some hundred million miles away.

Pulsing in bright, dying orange,
this beautiful star,
in the black night of my mind,
engulfs and consumes
the unmeasured universe,
starting with this sky,
this sea, this earth,
the divine explosion
removes every trace of life
from this violent planet.
Annihilation, deletion, negation.
No bed to rise from tomorrow,
in the grey morning.

for me the poem should end on the last line of the 2nd verse as the 3rd is just retelling it in the the 1st 4 lines. without the 3rd the 4th needs a little restructuring to fit the 1st and 2nd

it sounds bad but it isn't
i think the 2nd verse just needs a few words removing as they add nothing to the piece. and if done, you may have to do a little wit the enjambment.
for me the last two verse could be a seperate poem with a small edit.

i think with a small edit you have the making of one really good poem, or two really good poems, the choice is yours, jmo

[Todd]

Hello Cthonian,

I sort of free associate my way through poems. I'll give you comments and suggestions for your consideration (use what makes sense to you, ignore the rest).

I don't know if your title does a lot for you. While I think your first line is interesting you may want to consider making a variation of it your title:

Why I Smoke Through the Window (perhaps)

I smoke through the window,
since the room should not be--if you did the title adjustment you could drop the since. However my main concern on this line is the break on be. The nuance of the line broken there is that the room should not exist. If that's your intent good. If you'd like to start with an emotional mood you may want to consider pulling grey up and breaking on that word.
grey in the mornings.

At this point, I'm thinking that the narrator smokes in this way because there should be a sense of hope in the mornings (I'm reading into a connotative view on grey here).

So between--in my opinion, this is not strong enough to hold the line. I would consider moving between down a line and cutting so.
drawn crackling drags--drawn crackling drags is good writing. Solid image
that seem to emit a power,--maybe rewrite this to show some evidence of the power touching the narrator or the environment as opposed to just mentioning the power exists. It seems a little too vague but could be developed nicely if you chose
and faint touches--I like this line break a lot
of balled ash that fall
softly between fingers
like an insect's flight,--really strong evocative image. It's a great sequence. I would consider a strophe break here. It would be a great point to transition on.
I regard with some
exacting illusion
the reflection of my humble flame
in the cocked glass
of my window-fold.--While I realize you are setting up the humble flame to contrast with the galactic scope, I don't find these lines: I regard...of my window-fold doing much for you. You have a good opening and a strong image with the insect flight but this sequence just doesn't seem to add much. I would consider cutting the lines and transitioning from like an insect's flight to the next strophe maybe with an opening showing a specific type of insect playing with reflections off an irridescent dragonfly wing or something like that and blending it into the idea of the living phantasm.

The living phantasm
of the reflected flame--don't know if you really need this
appears to me--this line does have some layered meanings though you could also chose to sacrifice them and condense by dropping to me and pulling up the next line to sit after appears. Another option
as a growing, glowing orb,
rising in the black sky,--I like black here because it's not trying to be too fancy which works as your contrasting the image.
exploding some hundred million miles away.--over might be a stronger substitute for some

Pulsing in bright, dying orange,--absolutely love this line
this beautiful star,
in the black night of my mind,--Again might be a bias but I would cut the "of my mind" constructions. I think they pull the reader out of the poem and it's assumed that it's the narrator's reflections. I also don't like black night so close to black sky. The strophe works better in my opinion without the line
engulfs and consumes
the unmeasured universe,--love this line too
starting with this sky,
this sea, this earth,
the divine explosion--I would keep your parallel structure going and make it this divine explosion
removes every trace of life--stronger word than removes (scours, cleanses, a lot of options)
from this violent planet.
Annihilation, deletion, negation.--I don't think this line is needed. I think the previous lines do the work more subtly (a whisper rather than a scream). To conform to your earlier S1 structure you may want to do a strophe break and let these two final lines stand alone.
No bed to rise from tomorrow,
in the grey morning.--you might be able to make the ending a bit more evocative. Maybe try the parallel structure again:

No bed to rise from
no tomorrow
no longer any grey morning

(just an illustration to point out what I mean obviously tons of options).

I did like this poem. I think there's a lot here that you can develop. I know I gave you a lot of opinions to consider. I hope some of them will be helpful to you as you work through this piece.

Best,

Todd

[Cthonian]

Thank you both very much for your comments.

Billy - thanks very much for the pointers - I'm starting to realise which words are needed and which ones aren't. Interesting idea regarding splitting the poem in two - I might play around with that this weekend. Thanks!

Todd - I agree about the break on "be" - it would be much nicer to break that line with "grey", thanks! As for the reason the narrator smokes in this way - the idea that there should be a sense of hope in the mornings - is not something that had occurred to me. For me, the narrator has no hope, regardless of the colour of the room in the morning.

I also love your suggestion of:
"No bed to rise from
no tomorrow
no longer any grey morning"

Thank you both so much.