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"she's so pretty in her casts damaged so prefectly she's so pretty in her casts the prettiest thing i've ever seen" - Pig Destroyer, Pretty in Casts
Through the mist of depression a sudden empathy
takes shape, sunlight in a graveyard,
stretching shadows on the grass.
I look at the dates regarding the day, this new burst of joy,
and their silence takes on fresh meaning.
I love whoever's reading this and everyone who's not.
I would live and die with you all, man or woman,
cruel or good, I'd find us a house with a garden out back
and grow you every shade of rose. Lilacs for the porch
and daisies in a vase by the door. We'd drink your favourite beverage
until the sun goes down. I'd be your dream catcher.
Every tidal wave of pain is visible in this moment,
as I open a porthole and see our whole race,
thrashing, screaming, staying afloat.
I cannot save a single one, and they cannot save me,
but still I love them, the useless, the great,
as we all drown together in this living sea.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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(05-30-2011, 10:55 AM)Heslopian Wrote: "she's so pretty in her casts damaged so prefectly she's so pretty in her casts the prettiest thing i've ever seen" - Pig Destroyer, Pretty in Casts
Through the mist of depression a profound empathy would comma before profound work?
takes shape, sunlight in a graveyard,
stretching shadows on the grass.
I look at the dates regarding the day, this new burst of joy, is 'this new burst of joy,'
and their silence takes on fresh meaning.
I love whoever's reading this and everyone who's not.
I would live and die with you all, man or woman,
cruel or good, I'd find us a house with a garden out back
and grow you every shade of rose, lilacs for the porch would a period be better than the comma or the 'some' before lilacs?
and daisies in a vase by the door. We'd drink your favourite beverage
until the sun goes down. I'd be your dream catcher.
Every tidal wave of pain is visible in this moment,
as I open a porthole and see our whole race,
thrashing, screaming, staying afloat.
I cannot save a single one, and they cannot save me,
but still I love them, the useless, the great,
as we all drown together in this living sea.
would on a ship of profound empathy tie up with the wave and sea metaphor in the last verse.
seriously jack, i think this is a great great write, i know i pointed a couple of things out (not to sure about the grammar nits i know) but those aside i found this piece full of love and resignation to the slaves we carry in our heads,
i like every line of the 2nd and 3rd verse too much to pick a fave,
the first i like though slightly not as much hehe.
for me this is one of those poems that can be put in print without fear of wondering if it'll be accepted.
for me it's an extremely well written piece of poetry, thanks for the read.
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What do you mean by "is 'this new burst of joy,'"? Also, do you think the first verse is weak, or is it just that the second and third stand out more? Thanks so much for the kind words and feedback Bilbo. I'll use your suggestion about the period before "lilacs."
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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sorry jack my head must gave been up my arse, i meant to ask if the joy thing were needed?
as i felt profound empathy made it a little redundant, as did sunlight in the grave yard.
i don't think the 1st is weak though depression is an intangible to some extent. i just think the other two are stronger
with more passion and feeling. i just put the verses in order of liking is all.
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Holy crap this is fantastic work Jack. I don't know what to call it... it's not exactly "life affirming", but I know it, I know what you're talking about. That gentle feeling.
I love this. Amazing, amazing stuff.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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This brought tears to my eyes Jack. You've such a beautiful mind and a heart so full... this is as good as it gets. I love it, thank you for the privilege of reading this.
Bobbi Jo
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Bilbo - I see what you mean. I'm thinking of deleting the last two lines of the first verse anyway, as I don't think they add anything. What do you think? Some mention of depression I feel is necessary to convey what I was feeling at the time, and why I felt this sudden burst of empathy, but I'll see if I can make that first line a tad more elegant.
Addy - Thanks  I'm glad you got that gentleness I was going for.
Ficosdarkness - Thank you for reading, I'm delighted you enjoyed it so much
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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i think the ast two lines work if mutedly and help biuld up steam for the next.
and sudden empathy works better than profound....for me
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I like the shorter syllables in "sudden" I must say. I'll make the edit in a mo. Thanks Bilbo. Seems you're more than just a pretty face after all 
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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for me it reads a lot better, it's amazing how such a small edit can take a poem up a notch.
nicely done.
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Thanks totalchuck
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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