05-14-2011, 05:29 PM
Love is the disjoining pirouette of bacteria,
and the hushed kiss of infection just beneath your wounds.
and the hushed kiss of infection just beneath your wounds.
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Love Poem
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05-14-2011, 05:37 PM
The enjambment is very random here. Why not make it into a couplet, moving "bacteria" up a line and breaking after the comma, then putting "wounds" after "your"? Other than that this is a charmingly cynical slice of snapshot lyricism which forces you to think about what exactly it's telling you, a rarity these days.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
05-14-2011, 05:44 PM
I agree, I was copy and pasting so it apparently lost it's true form in translation I suppose. Sorry for the inconvenience. :/ Thank you though, haha.
05-14-2011, 06:19 PM
I meant I think you should put "wounds" on the same line as what precedes it, making this a two line poem. Just my opinion though.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
05-15-2011, 09:14 AM
Like this:
Love is the disjoining pirouette of bacteria, and the hushed kiss of infection just beneath your wounds.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
05-17-2011, 10:38 AM
nicely done edit
great couplet |
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