~Don't Look Back~

[ficosdarkness]

We drew a line in the sand then crossed it in opposite directions.
Passing me, you moved stealthily forward,
your eyes fixed on a future without me.
You passed me with such deliberation,
so fast that when I reached for you
my hand only caught the cool breeze left in your wake.
I shivered unlike any other way I had before,
when I'd felt your gentle wind caress my body.
The temperature, polar opposite
of that zephyr that cooled me on hot summer days.
It carried with it a different scent, the taste unfamiliar.
It took on a foul stench that travelled into my mouth and there it lingered.
It's the flavour that I'd always imagined black ice on a highway would have,
as it lies in wait for it's next unsuspecting victim.
The driver blind to its presence until it's too late.
If only the driver could smell it before hand,
slice a piece of the surrounding air and taste it,
maybe then they'd pull over and navigate an alternate route,
avoiding its painful possibilities.
What happened to your scent, love?
Where is that heady smell of sun tan oil, cotton candy
and sweet sweat, that clung in your back draft?
Did I change that euphoric scent to a foul odor
casting my cavalier attitudes and jaded opinions on you?
Did it slowly grow on you like toxic mold in a northern basement,
when each time you came to me, I rejected your advances?
Or was this simply the natural progression of our relationship?
A cocktail blended with unpaid bills, former lovers and children.
We belted it down like drunken sailors on shore leave.
We were taking belly shots off a dead man's stomach,
it was too rancid to swallow.
I remember a time in my days of womanizing,
when I wouldn't have noticed these details.
I would have escorted you to the door, sending you away,
with a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the ass and...
"thanks for that babe. "One goes out the back door
and another comes through the front, but that's not in me anymore.
I'm standing here, quivering from the chill you left in the air.
I want those womanizing days to return, only for this moment,
to make an easier transition from what was, to what is.
What is? I don't know. I fear the unknown...,
it's black ice on a highway.

[billy]

We drew a line in the sand then crossed it in opposite directions.
Passing me, you moved stealthy forward,
your eyes fixed on a future without me.
You passed me with such deliberation,
so fast that when I reached for you
my hand only caught the cool breeze left in your wake.
I shivered unlike any other way I had before,
when I'd felt your gentle wind caress my body.
The temperature, polar opposite
of that zephyr that cooled me on hot summer days.
It carried with it a different scent, the taste unfamiliar.
It took on a foul stench that travelled into my mouth and stuck there.
One that I'd always imagined black ice would have
as it lies in wait for it's next unsuspecting victim.
The driver blind to its presence until it's too late.
If only the driver could smell it before hand,
slice a piece of the surrounding air and taste it,
maybe then they'd pull over and navigate an alternate route,
avoiding its painful possiblities. possibilities
What happened to your scent, love?
Where is that heady scent of sun tan oil, cotton candy and sweet sweat,
that always clung to your back draft?
Did I change that euphoric scent to a foul odor by
casting my cavalier attitudes and jaded opinions on you?
Did it slowing (slowly)grow on you like toxic mold in a northern basement,
when each time you came to me, I rejected your advances?
Or was this simply the natural progression of our relationship?
A cocktail blended with unpaid bills, former lovers and children
that we belted down like drunken sailors on shore leave.
We were taking belly shots off a dead man's stomach,
it was too rancid to swallow.
I remember a time in my days of womanizing,
when I wouldn't have noticed these details.
I would have escorted you to the door, sending you away,
with a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the ass and "thanks for that babe."
One goes out the back door and another comes through the front,
but that's not in me anymore. I'm standing here,
shaking from the chill that you've left in the air.
I want those womanizing days to return, only for this moment,
to make an easier transition from what was, to what is.
What is? I don't know. I fear the unknown...,
it's black ice on a highway.

some good lines here Fd, and the form for me is a good break from the normal format you use. you did an excellent job of the linebreaks.
the only thing i spotted was the 'by' at the end of;

Did I change that euphoric scent to a foul odor by
casting my cavalier attitudes and jaded opinions on you?

would it look better as;

Did I change that euphoric scent to a foul odor
by casting my cavalier attitudes and jaded opinions on you?

the flow is spot on, and theres much to like about it. too much to pick an odd line.
wow on the form. i can't get over the change it makes for me from the usual style you have. as to the content, some good metaphor to show how we feel when the do da hits the fan in a relationship. well done
and thanks for the read

[ficosdarkness]

We drew a line in the sand then crossed it in opposite directions.
Passing me, you moved stealthy forward,
your eyes fixed on a future without me.
You passed me with such deliberation,
so fast that when I reached for you
my hand only caught the cool breeze left in your wake.
I shivered unlike any other way I had before,
when I'd felt your gentle wind caress my body.
The temperature, polar opposite
of that zephyr that cooled me on hot summer days.
It carried with it a different scent, the taste unfamiliar.
It took on a foul stench that travelled into my mouth and stuck there.
One that I'd always imagined black ice would have
as it lies in wait for it's next unsuspecting victim.
The driver blind to its presence until it's too late.
If only the driver could smell it before hand,
slice a piece of the surrounding air and taste it,
maybe then they'd pull over and navigate an alternate route,
avoiding its painful possiblities. possibilities
What happened to your scent, love?
Where is that heady scent of sun tan oil, cotton candy and sweet sweat,
that always clung to your back draft?
Did I change that euphoric scent to a foul odor by
casting my cavalier attitudes and jaded opinions on you?
Did it slowing (slowly)grow on you like toxic mold in a northern basement,
when each time you came to me, I rejected your advances?
Or was this simply the natural progression of our relationship?
A cocktail blended with unpaid bills, former lovers and children
that we belted down like drunken sailors on shore leave.
We were taking belly shots off a dead man's stomach,
it was too rancid to swallow.
I remember a time in my days of womanizing,
when I wouldn't have noticed these details.
I would have escorted you to the door, sending you away,
with a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the ass and "thanks for that babe."
One goes out the back door and another comes through the front,
but that's not in me anymore. I'm standing here,
shaking from the chill that you've left in the air.
I want those womanizing days to return, only for this moment,
to make an easier transition from what was, to what is.
What is? I don't know. I fear the unknown...,
it's black ice on a highway.

some good lines here Fd, and the form for me is a good break from the normal format you use. you did an excellent job of the linebreaks.
the only thing i spotted was the 'by' at the end of;

Did I change that euphoric scent to a foul odor by
casting my cavalier attitudes and jaded opinions on you?

would it look better as;

Did I change that euphoric scent to a foul odor
by casting my cavalier attitudes and jaded opinions on you?

the flow is spot on, and theres much to like about it. too much to pick an odd line.
wow on the form. i can't get over the change it makes for me from the usual style you have. as to the content, some good metaphor to show how we feel when the do da hits the fan in a relationship. well done
and thanks for the read

Billy,
Ha! I'm so stoked I caught that "by" as well. I did away with it entirely! Just the idea that we both got hung up on the "by" thrills me to death. I'm retaining the things that I'm learning from you my friend! I also caught the mispell on "slowly" but "possibilities" got past me! I'll get it! The form that you suggested made it so easy to tighten it up and see the content clearly. Thank you for the suggestions, they were great help!
fd

[billy]

nicely done in getting rid of the 'by' all together
my spelling sucks so i have to admit that it was my spell check that
spotted the possibilities

[Ris Yerg]

Powerful! Powerful with feelings you put in this your work!
And I really like this your poem!
Thanks for sharing.
R.Y.

[ficosdarkness]

Powerful! Powerful with feelings you put in this your work!
And I really like this your poem!
Thanks for sharing.
R.Y.

Thank you so much Ris! That means a great deal as I've enjoyed reading your work so much! It's good to know I returned a good read for a good read! Capital! Thanks again!

---

nicely done in getting rid of the 'by' all together
my spelling sucks so i have to admit that it was my spell check that
spotted the possibilities

billy,
Why don't we have spell check on the sight? I'm sure that I'm not the only one that can use it. LOL! Just sayin'..
On the serious side I wanted to thank you again for your help with this piece. Shortening the sentences and changing the form was a brilliant piece of direction. It allowed me to look at my work from the readers perspective and I didn't know just how important that could be for a writer. I don't think that I've felt this good about any of my work to date! So this piece is dedicated to "maud' dib" :Relax: thanks for continuing to be patient, consistant and kind to me all at the same time, billy! You sir are a good man! I haven't said that often in my life, so I hope that you take it for what it's worth.
Sincerely,
fd

[billy]

i feel very humble , thanks you,

[kath3]

A great read indeed, full of emotion, with a song and dance experienced by many I'm sure.
I loved how you ended the poem ... it's black ice on a highway.
Thank you ficosdarkness

P.S if you add Google Toolbar you'll have spellcheck available to you always

[addy]

This is bloody gorgeous work. The emotion, the sometimes sedate but palpable pain... I especially love your narrative voice (which is very distinct in all your works), where the images and scenarios flow out like a deep, subconscious dream. There's a distinct lack of uptightness and guile to your flow and mental imaginary leaps... they sound deeply personal to you, and that very effectively sells it to the reader. I was hooked from beginning to end.

[billy]

firefox also has a spell checker add on. once you have it it works in the forum as well.

[ficosdarkness]

A great read indeed, full of emotion, with a song and dance experienced by many I'm sure.
I loved how you ended the poem ... it's black ice on a highway.
Thank you ficosdarkness

P.S if you add Google Toolbar you'll have spellcheck available to you always

Thank you kath3 I'm so happy you enjoyed the read! "it's black ice on a highway." I really liked that image in my mind and I was hopeful that others would too, I'm very pleased that it worked out! I didn't even know that I was finished with it until I read it to myself outloud, all the thru and there I was.
Sincerely,
fd

---

This is bloody gorgeous work. The emotion, the sometimes sedate but palpable pain... I especially love your narrative voice (which is very distinct in all your works), where the images and scenarios flow out like a deep, subconscious dream. There's a distinct lack of uptightness and guile to your flow and mental imaginary leaps... they sound deeply personal to you, and that very effectively sells it to the reader. I was hooked from beginning to end.

addy,
Wow and crazy love for you! Thank you for hearing me and for feeling my work! Just... wow! There are times with a poet's reader that resemble the motion of falling in love, from my POV. I give my heart to the poem, to the reader and say "I love you." Then comes those breath taking seconds were you wait to hear those words echo back to you, then if you do... WOW! I'm stumbling here... thank you addy, thank you.
Sincerely,
fd

[heslopian]

Your imagery here is almost perfect. This reminds me of Virginia Woolf, whose work often like one long dreamlike description conveying so much. Apart from the fact I think you meant "stealthily" in the first line (the other mistakes I see have already been pointed out by Billy) this is excellent. I'll give you a more in depth critique once I'd had some time to fully absorb the poem, which is incredibly rich.

[addy]

Thank you FD, for sharing this! Really, it was easy to love this. When you say you put your heart into this piece, the feeling is palpable.. it's so easy to get swept up in that raw honesty. It was more than a pleasure to read