By The Mill.

[V. Dorn]

Today, an April evening and long shadows

Poured onto the peppered slabs

Parched gold scraps broken through concrete patchwork

Behind the old tower blocks away by the docks,

Within the pale, gloom of this Easter, a bird I saw, drown

By the old flour mill, where many years ago,

Tired slaves rose up on an Easter day

Bestowed the walls a history place as blood and chains were shed

A sacrificial slaughter to feed the earth,

Who opened her jaws and swallowed a seed from their lives.

A struggle for life, the spluttering ripples passionately spewed

Serenaded by the gluttonous gulls, a crying throttle

Behind the monuments of the past, and the new

A touch of salt, and wet, stings the air; the sea is not far

Collapsing visions of collapsing swells, a snowdrift flaring

Fuming into inkblots, the haze and distorted hues vanish

By the futile flapping, the bird through the tar canal

Flying through treacle, clay upon wings,

Perhaps tricked by the comatose sky

Paralysed, the bird dived, thinking carelessly of beyond, what lies

A gulf not easily passed, but by the skeletal wings,

And as the clay hardens and becomes heavy

“The sea is not far, will the bird reach the sea, and be free?”

I wonder, watching in perversity the poor body succumb,

The bird vanishing through the black-oil glass, dying

Below my feet, beside the rust-screeching train galloping

Into night.

_____________


Maybe for some context, it was written in Dublin, Ireland, and in reference to a real mill. Just a hint

Victor.

[heslopian]

Today, an April evening and long shadows

Poured onto the peppered slabs

Parched gold scraps broken through concrete patchwork

Behind the old tower blocks away by the docks,

Within the pale, gloom of this Easter, a bird I saw, drown Should that comma between "pale" and "gloom" be there?

By the old flour mill, where many years ago,

Tired slaves rose up on an Easter day Should an "and" go here?

Bestowed the walls a history place as blood and chains were shed

A sacrificial slaughter to feed the earth,

Who opened her jaws and swallowed a seed from their lives. Excellent image.

A struggle for life, the spluttering ripples passionately spewed

Serenaded by the gluttonous gulls, a crying throttle

Behind the monuments of the past, and the new Everything from "A struggle" to "the past" is perfect.

A touch of salt, and wet, stings the air; the sea is not far

Collapsing visions of collapsing swells, a snowdrift flaring

Fuming into inkblots, the haze and distorted hues vanish

By the futile flapping, the bird through the tar canal

Flying through treacle, clay upon wings,

Perhaps tricked by the comatose sky Excellent.

Paralysed, the bird dived, thinking carelessly of beyond, what lies

A gulf not easily passed, but by the skeletal wings,

And as the clay hardens and becomes heavy

“The sea is not far, will the bird reach the sea, and be free?”

I wonder, watching in perversity the poor body succumb,

The bird vanishing through the black-oil glass, dying

Below my feet, beside the rust-screeching train galloping

Into night. That last conjunction beginning with beside is fantastic.
_____________


Maybe for some context, it was written in Dublin, Ireland, and in reference to a real mill. Just a hint

Victor.

The only problem I can see with this rich and evocative piece is the strange syntax at times. Use a few full stops to mark off sentences and make them slightly simpler and this could be an almost perfect example of pure modern poetry.

[billy]

normally if we get a two named nic or a long nic we abbreviate it to the two main initials hehe, with you it would be V.D. hehe so i'll call you vdorn

did you format the poem to have so much empty space? if so for me it draws out the poem too much and stops me ejoying the read as much as should enjoy it, and enjoy it i do.
were it in the serious crit i would point out in a line by line crit but we're are not so just a couple of things.
grammar, you use it in the poem, caps are part of grammar so doesn't it make sense to use them only where they should be used (and not it's not a rule of poetry, it does help the reader to differentiate between a line end and a period stamped line end.
much to much good stuff to chose one line or image though;

A touch of salt, and wet, stings the air; the sea is not far

Collapsing visions of collapsing swells, a snowdrift flaring

Fuming into inkblots, the haze and distorted hues vanish

worked really well

i take it the tired slaves were not the slaves we usually think of. for a while i thought of bloody sunday but that was in january and northern Ireland.
in 1916 or 1917 there was the easter uprising in and around dublin led by pearse and connolly to reclaim ireland back from the english. though i don't know of the mill. thats what i take from the poem. the struggle of freedom the struggle to survive. the 'away by the docks' sounds typically irish and wonderful. an excellent poem in need of a small edit

thanks for the read, everything i said is jmo
i will add i think the poem much much better than just an average poem

[V. Dorn]

Oh, wow, thank you for such constructive feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's the first poem I've presented for any sort of critique. I think the poem could do with a structural edit, for sure.
In regards to the punctuation, I must admit that it is somewhat of an afterthought, so I can see your point
The format as well was something I didn't really antagonise over either, I typed it up as I wrote it and out it came on Word so...I'll take these very perceptive observations into account.
Thank you guys, I appreciate it.
Victor.

[billy]

hope too see more of your poems in the forum victor.

[Ris Yerg]

Hi!
I'm not "constructive"!
I just enjoyed with reading.
And found it wonderful!
Thanks.
R.Y.

[addy]

Some wonky syntax and quite a lot of run-on sentences here (you can see by the prevalence of phrases broken up in commas) but this is one heck of a beautiful poem. Bravo.