New Beginnings

[Verbavore]

July 8, 2003 3:18 PM

She took a bite of the apple
sealing doom grimly on the horizon
of the ocean rising and falling
as of someone breathing,
holding their breath too long
and sighing.
Another bite of the apple
exposes the seeds.
Perhaps they would learn
to grow beyond the mistakes
of the past blinding
ourselves to the ocean rising
and rising further still
downing out the past,
saving only one pious man
and his family biting
their own apples of future
destruction. But, a new
start for now.
An apple core browning.
None left for the biting.
Only seed hope is grinning
a new beginning.
My poor heart, the apple.

[billy]

great to see you posting here VB

July 8, 2003 3:18 PM

She took a bite of the apple
sealing doom grimly on the horizon (what doom, whose doom?)
of the ocean rising and falling
as of someone breathing,
holding their breath too long
and sighing. good image in L3 thru 6
Another bite of the apple for me this should be the start of a new verse
exposes the seeds.
Perhaps they would learn
to grow beyond the mistakes
of the past blinding
ourselves to the ocean rising
and rising further still
downing out the past, drowning
saving only one pious man
and his family biting
their own apples of future
destruction. But, a new i like the enjamb here
start for now.
An apple core browning.
None left for the biting.
Only seed hope is grinning the syntax feels a little off here
a new beginning.
My poor heart, the apple.

for me the poem need a spot of grammar to help with the enjambment,
other than that it works for me. it shows life goes on, so for now enjoy the moment. the sorrow is there in a kind of adam and eve way. though eve was far from pious. getting over past failures etc. again for me i thing you could do with a few images to match the lung image you have going on with the waves at the beginning.
thanks for the read VB.

[addy]

Like the idea of the fruit of original sin as the human heart. A graceful piece with interesting food for thought.

July 8, 2003 3:18 PM

She took a bite of the apple
sealing doom grimly on the horizon "sealing doom grimly" is a bit overdone
of the ocean rising and falling
as of someone breathing, my english isn't perfect, but "as of someone" sounds strange to me
holding their breath too long
and sighing. at this point I think there have been to many "-ing" words, imo
Another bite of the apple
exposes the seeds.
Perhaps they would learn
to grow beyond the mistakes I like the association of the seeds with potential
of the past comma here? blinding
ourselves to the ocean rising
and rising further still you repeated the image, but "rising and rising" instead of "rising and falling". Was the contradiction in narrative intentional?
downing out the past,
saving only one pious man
and his family biting
their own apples of future
destruction. But, a new
start for now. I like that you're speaking about the start of generations, reminding us of a "family tree" but with "seeds" instead of "roots"
An apple core browning.
None left for the biting.
Only seed hope is grinning odd but interesting phrasing
a new beginning.
My poor heart, the apple. I like this. The fruit and the seeds are not literal children, but the intangible continuance of heart and hope.

[Verbavore]

I'm going to come back to this and edit it properly when I'm done with this semester. Quick responses: billy caught my spelling error in line 5, addy has a point with the strange wording and repetitive -ing, I've got an idea to change that. The rising and rising again, I intended as a contrast to the 'rising and falling' but also a vague reference to global warming by referring to the Noah's flood myth. You guys picked up on the major points, but I like the suggestions.

[addy]

The rising and rising again, I intended as a contrast to the 'rising and falling' but also a vague reference to global warming by referring to the Noah's flood myth.

Ah, very interesting. Another good idea for an already wonderfully layered poem . I look forward to your rewrite

[Verbavore]

billy, the doom in line two is a reference to original sin induced by Eve biting the apple in the Garden of Eden.

[billy]

i thought thats what it was. thanks for the clarification