Secrets

[heslopian]

During my second breakdown, when I stalked through the fields
behind my old school, as night descended like a lid.
I sought refuge with my Nan,
who arranged a taxi then waited at the door.
Then she and I shared what we thought were secrets.

I told her I was gay and she said “I know”
like a tender confirming the price of a drink.
We hugged and she told a tale of her own,
how as a girl she’d loved a boy who "everybody knew was queer",
effete and unattached as he was.

Surrounded by sedate portraits - one of a rose filled wicker basket,
another depicting dinner on the pier, a woman in a red dress,
two tuxedoed gents and a faceless waiter – cookbooks
and Wilber Smith novels belonging to her late husband,
I felt cold as her narrative reached its ending.

[billy]

During my second breakdown, when I stalked through the fields
behind my old school, as night descended like a lid
over a tub of cold chicken, and I sought refuge with my Nan,
who arranged a taxi then waited at the door,
she and I shared what we thought were secrets. the whole verse is a 51 word sentence, for me it needs to be at least three in order to let the reader see it's flow, it would be a really really minor edit

I told her I was gay and she said “I know”
like a tender confirming the price of a drink.
We hugged and she told a tale of her known, did you mean own?
how as a girl she’d loved a boy who "everybody knew was queer",
effete and unattached as he was.

Surrounded by sedate portraits - one of a rose filled wicker basket,
another depicting dinner on the pier, a woman in a red dress,
two tuxedoed gents and a faceless waiter – cookbooks
and Wilber Smith novels belonging to her late husband,
I felt cold as her narrative reached its ending.

i love the way the main poem ends at the 2nd verse and you carry on by taking in the surroundings. i also think the cold feeling has more than the one layer. though women in a red dress felt to cliché in my opinion.

the narrative as usual is exemplary, it felt like a really special moment shared, a secret moment that's only now being told, and it feels real (whether or not it is or isn't doesn't matter).

on looking back and giving it a nth read, i think the;
over a tub of cold chicken

take a lot from the seriousness of the poem.
for me;

behind my old school, as night descended like a lid
and I sought refuge with my Nan,

works better, though the choice is as always yours

great read jack thanks

all jmo

[addy]

During my second breakdown, when I stalked through the fields
behind my old school, as night descended like a lid
over a tub of cold chicken, interesting image, and for me a good set-up to your Nan and I sought refuge with my Nan,
who arranged a taxi then waited at the door,
she and I shared what we thought were secrets. Good, intriguing line

I told her I was gay and she said “I know”
like a tender confirming the price of a drink. haha, this part reminded me of an old classmate of mine
We hugged and she told a tale of her known,
how as a girl she’d loved a boy who "everybody knew was queer",
effete and unattached as he was.

Surrounded by sedate portraits - one of a rose filled wicker basket,
another depicting dinner on the pier, a woman in a red dress,
two tuxedoed gents and a faceless waiter – cookbooks
and Wilber Smith novels belonging to her late husband, I like how you take in the features of the room... it lets the reader in on the narrator's state of mind without literally having to impart your Nan's story. Your somber, distanced reaction is enough.
I felt cold as her narrative reached its ending. I really love this intentionally vague ending, the tease and the mystery of what you heard and at the same time all the sympathy and focus falling on the narrator. It strikes a great balance

Very nice job as always, Jack

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback and the heads up on the mistake (I did mean "own") Billy. I see your point about the red dress, but changing it I feel would be dishonest as she was wearing that in the portrait. Every other feature of those pictures is cliché too, I think. My Nan has a rather safe taste in art
I'll make the cold chicken edit in a mo. That verse needs fewer words anyway, as you said when you mentioned it has fifty-one and no full stops (I'm not sure where I could put those without compromising the syntax; any suggestions?).

Thanks for the kind words Addy. Is the friend who reminds you of the tender in the second verse a very clinical and expressionless person?

[billy]

During my second breakdown, when I stalked through the fields
behind my old school, night descended like a lid.
I sought refuge with my Nan,
who arranged a taxi then waited at the door.
she and I shared what we thought were secrets.

i think it could be done numerous ways, this is a top of my head one.

is it possible to give the red dress a something more then as in taffeta red dress, or something else again jmo.
that said it really is a nit and an odd cliché never did any harm, thinking about it nan was probably cliché kind of person as all nan's are so the red dress would do her justice

[heslopian]

No those full stops would work. Thanks Billy, I'll make the change in a moment. I'll also have a think about the dress.

[billy]

in hindsight, either way i think the dress works. with a modifier or without.
i think i was being fernickity (whatever that means)

[peter6]

I told her I was gay and she said “I know”

We think we have secrets that no one can see; but people experience us as we are; and even if left unexpressed, there is a knowing in their hearts. Very good line.

[heslopian]

I agree. Thanks for the kind comment, peter6.

[addy]

Thanks for the kind words Addy. Is the friend who reminds of the tender in the second verse a very clinical and expressionless person?

Oops, missed this, sorry Jack . Not necessarily clinical, but she was indeed very hard and blunt most times (she was goth as well)... I remembered because this was the exact same reaction she and her other friends had when one of their guy friends came out of the closet. Their collective reaction was "Yeah, we knew that", and the guy was inconsolable, pissed at her and her friends for days, because he'd agonized over his confession and he was expecting them to be more freaked out about it LOL

[heslopian]

When I came out to my friends in high school they were surprised I had a sexuality at all Your goth friend could have put the poor guy out of his misery and told him she knew

[billy]

keep it about the poetry guys , either get a bed or take it to one of the discussion forums seriously

[heslopian]

Well it is about poetry! I needed an answer so I could tell how the simile worked for her.

[addy]

When I came out to my friends in high school they were surprised I had a sexuality at all Your goth friend could have put the poor guy out of his misery and told him she knew

"Wait, you mean you're actually attracted to people?" LOL

Yeah, it's a precarious balance, isn't it? If she really knew (and with that particular guy she said it was obvious) she should have said something instead of being glib, after all coming out is a very hard process and support is much appreciated... on the other hand, there are some sensitive people who suspect their friend's orientation, but are afraid of being presumptuous. It's still best, I think, to let them know that you know, without judgment or pressure... just give your support until they're ready to have the conversation with the rest of the world

[billy]

any more posts not about the poem and the thread will be closed/admin